Monday, December 18


i dunno, dudes,
i wasn't ever a pop tart person.
i'm not sure we even had them at home when i was a kid.
they just seemed so budget, y'know?
my homegirl said something about pop tarts,
and i did my best not to make an extra-judgy 'this-is-a-red-flag' face.
i mean, i do what i can to give 'em what they want,
without waiting for something in return....
but, i'll confess i was NOT about to go full pop tart on my morning, neighbors.
no way.
not even for a lady.
why not?
i'll tell you why not: because t.w.p.p.d.
y'feel me?
so, i opted for a hybrid version of the vision, man-
jam-filled turnovery toastery strudelish pastry triangles, for your face.
check the teleport:

oatmeal pastry?
yes as hard as you can yes, in fact.
heartier and possibly healthier than usual,
with all the buttery crispy crackle you could hope for....
and that jam?
well, maybe it's not exactly a jam....
but it's my jam, either way.
i wasn't sure about these going in.
on the wa out, though, i realized i'd gone ferociously hard on that
no-chew bite-and-swallow shark gluttony angle.
i made one and a half dozen, and i ate a dozen by myself.
i guess i liked 'em.
you wanna get TILTY on some tri-over-turn-angles?
i'm happy to hear it, and i'm even happier to be of some help:
in your meticulously-maintained food processor, pulse together:
10 T very cold vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
3 T sugar;
2 cups flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup rolled oats;
3-6 T non-dairy milk, 1 T at a time, depending on how well it all combines.
hit it with the raw power of the professional 'cessor,
and when it clumps up when pinched, in between pulses, it's ready to get turnt out...
onto a portion of plastic wrap, to be pressed and protected
whilst it chills in the refrigerator for at least an hour (or a whole damned day, in my case)
now fast forward into the future, somewhere between 1-24 hours from now.
preheat your oven to 420℉.
while that preheats,
get a smaller  sauce pot out, get it going on medium low heat, to make:
into that pot, you've gotta add:
1/2 cup bloobs;
1/2 cup strawbs;
1/2 cup raspies;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1 T lemon juice;
that'll defrost into sauce, but that won't be enough.
you don't want super wetness inside your pocket, bro.
you know better than that.
drain the juice, slurry it with 1-2 tablespoons of organic non-GMO cornstarch,
and add it back in, with the heat brought up to medium-high.
that'll thicken quickly, and you'll see how expert it's gonna be as filling just by lookin'.
i chilled mine with all haste in the 4℉ front porch. (that's -15.5℃)
now, back to that dough, yo....
on a well floured surface, roll your cold dough to 1/4" thickness,
and fold it on itself 4 times.
that's key to luscious layers in the bake up, buddy.
next, while it's still cold,
roll it out into a thing rectangle,
and trim out 4" squares.
reroll the rest until you've used up your dough, and your counter is full of squares.
scoop a spoonful of that tripleberry delight into the center of each,
and pinch the slightly-moistened edges together, to make little pouches.
awwwwwww, s'kyoot!
now, with a splash of non-dairy milk (the sweetened kind) brush the tops,
and then hit 'em with the big crystal sugar sprankles.
do it, for sure, because that's the ONLY way you're doing it right.
seriously, rules is rules.
arrange them with room to grow, and be aware that parchment is your friend,
because jammie-jam wants to bubble and ooze, as well as burst from the seams.
let it do it's thing, kids.
sloppy rims are basically essential to this treat.
bake 'em for 20-25 minutes, of your preferred level of golden sexxxiness,
and let 'em rest for a second, or you'll melt your face on molten jam,
and steam burn your tongue while you're at it.
so be careful, but definitely eat at least one still warm.
they don't get worse when they're cool, but cripsy pastry fresh out of the forge?
that's elite.
i'd make these again, and that's the truth.
collateral christmas times.
as in:
extended family and friends gift giving overlap time-crush holiday vibes.
do you know about those?
you do?
could you explain it to me, then?
as usual, my spirit and memory are limited to those most intimately connected,
and physically proximal to my actual human corporeal form.
i've always envied those folks who have an extended holiday buying list.
not because i wish i was out buying more sh!t for more people,
(although, too much IS the right amount)
i wish i wasn't so preoccupied with everything else that i noticed and acquired
those perfect little somethings for the few people who really and truly are of use to me.
that's right.
i said 'of use'.
i don't invest time into those who aren't useful.
why would you?
i should make a mad scramble to pick up a little somethin' for my peoples.
i mean,
i don't have that many, anyway.
time (and money) have gotten pretty tight right about now,
but still,
this is the season for gratitude and generosity.
i'll figure it out, because i expect more of myself,
and i should be doing more.
that's the whole objective of every day, anyway,
especially one that goes to eleven.
some people have that kind of time on their hands,
but i need to make it out from stolen moments,
and that isn't as easy as it sounds;
never quiet, never soft.....

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