Wednesday, July 5


...and then,
when i was at my most comically resigned limit of human interaction,
i turned on the original recipe argumentative albie rock patronizing elitism,
and the lady was both confused and frustrated, and went back inside......
hey guys-
no big deal,
just over here reminiscing about the lady who accused me of animal abuse yesterday.
oh, yeah, that's a thing.
it's okay, really.
we all know better.
and honestly, i'm glad she gives enough of a sh!t to stand up for what she thinks is right.
how many people speak up when they witness something they don't like?
so, shoutouts to that lady,
but also,
mind your F*ing business, bih.
there's not much backstory:
crabtree thought he was in charge of our walk, or rather, he was done walking,
so a few super-momentum leash pulls had him sailing through the air towards me.
it's a fairly common occurrence.
he tries to be in charge,
i pull him back to the present moment,
and we continue on with a refreshed understanding.
no adverse effects, no hard feelings.
......and no, he doesn't give any effs about kind words and cookies.
at any rate, she saw him take a tug to the dome,
and came outside like an animal control officer!!!
i don't know what she thought was going to happen-
i assume she didn't think about it at all, which is pretty dope, if you ask me!
knee-jerk active participation is what's good in these streets.
no question.
i was patient until i wasn't, and she was mad until she realized i'm an unflappable arguer.
that's no joke.
.....but here's where the story gets better-
half an hour later, a whole entirely different woman told me i was an A*-hole!!
that's for realsies.
how often do you feel comfortable telling someone they're an A*-hole?
how about someone you see regularly out on the road, but don't know very well?
here's how THAT unfolded-
her (unsolicited, unprovoked conversation):
"your dog is the best, even if you're a piece of work"
me: "he's okay; let's not get carried away"
her(angrily): "you're an A*-hole, you know that!?"
me: "literally already heard that half an hour ago. that's a new record"
her(walking away): *middle finger salute*
america goes HARD on the fourth.
the rest of the day passed quickly, without any further confrontations.
maybe it was my american flag tank top that made me seem accessible
and available for opinions to be offered up at my expense?
i dunno.
what i DO know about are the rules, bro.
berfdays are the worst days,
and fireworks aren't any fun if you're all alone-
but cupcakes?
those can always stop by and say hello.
real talk.
a batch of big black and white and red and blue bombs for bursting in your belly
are exxxactly what everybody needs in their lives.
and i made 'em, and i shared 'em, believe it or not.
that's real.
but first, check out how much 'MERICA i activated:

chocolate cake!
vanilla bean frosting!!
and captain effing america on a bull terrier, neighbors!!
how many did i eat?
a LOT.
maybe one more than was a good idea.
too much is the right amount,
and being american implies being a gluttonous overindulgent d-bag.
i think that's a thing, or at least, it's a thing for the year-round flag-wavers, for sure.
people always ask me to 'bring the a treat'.
i HATE that.
i do.
i mean, you want me to deliver free treats to your dumb doorstep?
i'm not that guy.
i'll give you ALLLLLL the treats i've got, but the pricetag is attendance.
you don't even have to participate, but you do have to at least show up.
......except yesterday.
some tattoo dudes from portsmouth are vacationing literally 1/2 mile away from my house.
when the usual 'bring me that' showed up in the comments section of my instagram?
 i brought them a dirty dozen while i was out and about.
that's just a one-time thing, but it was definitely a thing.
good to see them for a minute,
and it'll likely be another 'nother four years before i do again.
grocery shopping on the fourth of july?
no jokes,
they had the D team on those registers.
not the not-as-good-as-the full-time B team,
and not even the replacement alternates from C squad.
i know that's NOT very nice,
i'm apparently some sort of an A*-hole, remember?
but it was excruciating.
nobody knew what they were doing, which started out amusing,
there were also no managerial types to direct the doo-doo butter,
so it just sort of smeared itself all over every register.
it felt like the child soldiers of a besieged city were taking up arms,
despite obviously having NO training or qualifications to wage mortal combat,
in a last-ditch effort to bag up some cilantro,
and maybe not crush tomatoes under a half gallon of soymilk.
this one was for the readers out there.
hope you enjoyed i inversely to how much i enjoyed MY day.
it all really happened,
so there's that, although i failed to see the bigger picture.
today is a new day to refocus and gain new perspectives.
everything else is over,
and now is underway with full forceful reckless abandon;
never quiet, never soft.....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

For the dips that don't know anything about bull terriers, you try walking one and see how you make out. One mile walk is like three hours at the gym.

Auntie Patti knows!