Wednesday, July 5


lump charcoal.
lighter fluid.
one match.
and hot coals in fifteen,
for a full force fuego exxxplosion for your face!!!!!
that's how real americans do real sh!t.
that may or may not even be accurate,
but i grilles up some stuff,
and i fit it all into a hectic day of dog dominance readjustment.
oh, yes, that's real.
crabtree decided yesterday, unilaterally, of course,
that maybe HE should be in  charge of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
fitting, his recalcitrance coinciding with a holiday about resisting oppression.
how about that, hhuh?
my little english bull terrier fomenting rebellion on OUR rebel'iversary!
he's literally, and figuratively, sure got a set of clankers on 'im, for sure.
the little nerd was on some other other sh!t ALLLL day,
and it honestly exhausted me, (which never happens)
and ate huge swaths of my holiday time right the eff up.
i managed to work around his wreaking and wrecking,
and tune up some terrific and terrible and tremendous tastiness.
i may have skipped the fireworks,
but i had bombs bursting in my mouth for dinner.
real talk.
check the super-patriot-type teleport:

i'm on some america-the-beautiful-style freaky-diki up in here.
that's rainbow slaw-
with purple and savoy cabbage, radishes, purple carrots, scallions,
lemon, pink salt, black pepper, parsley and cilantro, and vegenaise.
expert. crunchy. veggie. delights. in. full. effect.
up top, in the corner-
that's sweet corn, with a pat of earth balance.
hell yeah!
get that corn outta my face and into my body, bro!
i like those jauns on the cob an' that.
sugary yellow gold on a handy dispenser!
speaking of gold-
those tomatoes in the cucumber celery sesame oil salad were tight, buddy.
and a few microgreens don't actually DO very much,
but they make the food prettier, like eyeliner does for some people.
i like a lot of eye makeup.
don't judge me, kid.
i have my preferences just like you have yours.
of course, when it comes to eye makeup, and food,
one rule applies to both-
too much is the right amount.
how about those grilled brussels?
i mean, c'mon.
they got the big drizz of balsamic-soy-agave glaze, with black pepper and GPOP.
expert AF.
it's a 1:1:1, plus a few shakes of the rest,
after a quick toss in olive oil.
they sizzle on the grill, slightly removed from the heat,
with 1/3 the glaze in the cut side,
facing up.
after five minutes,
they get a flip, and when they seem softish, but not too burnt on the pretty side,
another 'nother flip, and a dousing of drizzle, to complete the look.
holy sh!t, you want to eat these.
they're essentially the cure for being lame, and that's nature's medicine, friends.
let's get serious, and get all up into the big action:

barbecued seitan!
dirty dawggg with house-recipe relish and horseradish dijon mustard.
sausage and mutha-effin' pepzzzz!!!
that's how you do it.
big sandwiches.
big flavors.
big action.
big deal.
the dogs are custom.
of course.
the seitan, the barbecue sauce, and the relish?
uhh, yeah, man, they're all from scratch.
rules is rules.
and are those homemade buns by any chance?
here's a highlight reel:
preheat your oven to 400℉
in your stand mixer (which i know you went and bought already)combine:
2 1/3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 T sugar;
1 1/2 T dry yeast;
1 T egg replacer powder.
1cup + 2 T  warm milk,
with 2 T melted butterish-
and beat it all up in that mixer for five full minutes on that dough hook.
divide it up,
i made three big dwag buns, and two decent sandwich circles,
let 'em rise about 30 minutes, with a drop of olive oil rubbed around on the tops,
and bake those babies for about +/- 20 minutes,
or to when they're golden  enough for your tastes.
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup pure vital wheat gluten;
1 T ea. Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;
2 tsp smoked paprika, black pepper;
1 tsp ground fennel seed, sage, thyme;
basil, ground mustard, rosemary; oregano; dried parsley;
whisk to blend,.
in your food porcessor, mash:
2/3 block firm tofu, undrained;
1 tsp vegan bouillon soup base;
3 big dashes of liquid smoke;
1 punch nootch;
mix the wet and the dry into a sticky fbrous dough,
and separate it into hand-rolled sausages, whatever size you'd like.
wrap each in foil,. crimp and twist the edges together, to keep their shapes,
and now, you've gotta seal em.
that's real.
i boiled the big boys, and steamed some smaller jauns for later.
boiling was smart, it turns out, because they stayed juicy on the grill.
word up!
let it be known i F*ing hate sweet pickles.
i didn't use 'em, and i won't, ever, either.-
1/2 cup chopped baby dill pickles;
1/2 cup chopped fresh english cucumber;
1 small orange sweet bell pepper;
2 T chopped pickled jalapeno;
scallion, and cilantro;
a drop of agave, a drop of ho'sauce, and a bowl to shake all that around in,
and suddenly,
your dawgs are so dirty, you'll be embarrassed if your mama sees 'em.
the barbecue was too good.
pickles, scallions, and red onion, plus kale and pea shoots on that baby b!tch had me
hammering hunks into my maw like i'd been starved for a week.
sausage and peppers is an old favorite of mine since forever,
and i was happy as heckfire to have it again for dinner.
everything was expert.
and the level of intensity went to eleven in every aspect.
the only thing missing was company.
i mean,
that meal's a party in itself,
but not really, if y'feel me.
it isn't the worst thing in the world to be by yourself.
i mean that.
i drove through town earlier in the day,
and i do not feel badly about being absent from that congregation.
what i'm talking about is something else.
regardless, i'm still pretty damned grateful for the time and space i have been given.
it's all really happening,
and it's all moving towards the future;
never quiet, never soft.....

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