Tuesday, July 25


i mess around with that crushed red pepper.
and cherry peppers.
and jalapenos.
and black pepper.
and cayenne pepper.
i do.
i'm not a glutton for punishment,
but i am sort of a sucker for that spice.
and if i'm gonna make pasta,
and i'm gonna make sauce,
and there's gonna be sausages....
well, then you'd better believe i'm also gonna get expert on all that sh!t,
AND bring the heat while i'm at it.
real talk.
check the teleport:

5x 5x 5x 5x 5x the colors in that pasta, neighbors!
3x 3x 3x the hot peppers in that sauce, son!
and all of it heaped on top of itself,
because too much is the right amount.
that's no joke.
i did spend extra on some upgrade 'ronis, duders.
worth every last additional dime, too.
i'm sayin',
y'all might be on some previous-level tricolor jauns,
but i'm over here reppin' two full shades beyond that basic business.
how do they taste?
the same as every other one-
but they look especially delicious, and that's not a bad thing by any measurement.
the sauce, tho.
that's some serious boomfire for your bumbum.
here's what i did, from scratch, because WTF even is jar sauce?
in a medium sauce pan, heat 3 T olive oil, to saute:
1/2 minced sweet onion;
1 small yellow carrot, macerated;
after five minutes, add:
3 T shredded red bell pepper;
3 cloves crushed garlic;
1 T minced jalapeno;
1 T minced hot cherry pepper-
let all of that wilt and melt and mildly disintegrate,
and then toss in and toast up:
oregano, thyme, rosemary, parsley; black pepper, GPOP,
fire-roasted pepper flakes, dried basil, and a shake of cayenne.
after a minute or two,
drizzle in 2 T white wine vinegar, to unsizzle the stuck-on scraps,
and pour in:
1 1/2 cups crushed tomatoes;
2/3 cup warm water;
4 tsp sugar;
let that rise up to a slow simmer,
and stir in:
3 T nutritional yeast;
4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes;
1/4 cup sliced grape tomatoes.
spicy! thick! hearty! fresh! tasty!
and homemade like a mutha.
that's what's up.
shoutouts to everybody out there keepin' it molto molto with those from-scratchables.
rules is rules,
and homemade tastes better.
believe it,..
homemade vegan sausages are kind of my thing.
i mean, whatever you add in is ok, because it'll never be grosser than the
penis-shaped butthole interiors, full of ground penises and buttholes
that constitute real sausages.
i mean, c'mon, that's just not cool, man.
i'll wager there's five or more recipes for 'em somewhere on this blog,
so i'll skip it right now if it's all the same-
suffice to say, my orifice-free tubes were damned tasty once they got tossed
and seared and browned up a bit with onion and spinach and a little pasta water.
add in fresh basil, and parsley sprankles,
and you've got yourself a rainbow partytime exxxplosion for your face,
and fairly quickly, at that.
don't be afraid to heat things up.
it's good for you.
like, metabolically, i mean.
if you're gonna be a waterbaby, and remain defenseless against the spice,
you might want to consider maybe growing a pair of adventure-globes,
and trying to improve yourself a little bit.
no pressure.
just sayin'.
let me just mention one thing-
for very nearly seven years, it's been a standing tradition
that whenever i'm in connecticut, the cones get caught at sweet claude's.
y'better believe that.
and although this time around,
the entire trip was tougher than tying shoelaces with oven mitts on,
the rules remained in effect,
and the tofutti vegan ice cream magic was mandatory for me and mine to activate.
check it:

coffee fudge.
rainbow sprankles.
my kids.
heck, even my ex-wife (the somewhat better one) was there.
there's never a good reason to skip out on a scoople of the stuff.
i'm serious.
going out for ice cream i one of the things that feels like summer.
and it feels like vacation any time of year.
and it feels as good as it tastes,
and it tastes really effin' good.
i may have had a hell of a week,
but i finished off my time in connecticut with the best possible available ending.
there's something about that cone-zone, bro.
you'll see-
go get yourself a scoop somewhere.
you won't regret it;
never quiet, never soft.....

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