Friday, August 19


let me clear my throuat-
*coffeeeeeee caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!!!
i'm on it.
by now, you prpbably already kow how we do it-
when it's time to get fresh,
and there's big, thick, old-fashioned silver palate rolled oats
hanging out on the counter,
daring you to use 'em up,
you've GOT to doo-doo that freaky sh!t,
and you've got to do it like a flippin' champion.
my kids and i fired up a little somethin' special.
and i think we did the right thing-
check the blue-ribbon-grandma-jaun-type teleport:

one big ol' buttery-bottomed burly batch of all the best bits.
and that's no joke.
brown sugar?
oh, hell yeah!
what's the secret?
plain soy yogurt.
it makes the crumb so grandly grannyish,
and it puts that punch to the tastebuds that really real coffeecake heads crave.
i'm just sayin',
if that doesn't look good to you?
you're probably an A*-hole.
that's a thing.
you want to make some?
here's how it goes:
1 cup brown sugar
1 stick + 2 T butterish
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp cloves
^^^^cream all that up,
and add
1 cup plain soy yogurt
1/4 cup soymilk
1 1/2 cups flour
1/3 cup tapioca
1/2 cup ground oat flour
1 tsp each bakey soda and kapowder
^^^^stir it up, and get ready for the bigger big business:
2 cups of those THICK oats,
1/2 cup powdered sugar,
1 tsp cinnamon,
4 T melted butter, tossed and combined,
and layered on the bottom of a greased 9 x 11 brownie-style baking pan.
that's what you gotta do,
BEFORE you put the batter in there.
does it make a difference?
does building a house on a solid foundation make a difference?
c'mon, man.
get with it.
when the two tastes are stacked,
y'gotta fire up some streusel.
without streusel,
you ain't got no damn coffee cake, son. just got cake.
1 1/2-2 MORE cups of those oats,
1/2 cup of powdered sugar
1/2 cup oat flour
cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice,
and another half stick of butter,
smashed together into a crushed-up crumbly knobbly oaten awesomeness.
i mean, seriously, though.
that's the good-good.
350F, of course, for close to 40 minutes or so,
and you should have the hottness for your face.
a la mode?
rules is rules.
one vanilla almond scoople,
because too much is the right amount.
with a little cinnamon dusty sprankle on top,
just, y'know, to take it where it needed to go;
which is, of course, to eleven.
i don't know if you're making any of these things at home.
if you are,
i'd like to know how it's going....
if you're not,
well, hey, man, that's cool, too.
it's just that i'm making it up as i go,
variations on a theme an' that;
i'm interested to see how y'all other mother'uckers do with it.
there's more where that came from.
there always is.
we've got our ways about us,
and our wits,
and our wheats,
and it's all really happening.
that's kind of the whole entire point;
never quiet, never soft.....

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