Friday, September 2


i didn't bake the cookies.
that's the essential technique in this case, kids.
i mean it.
they aren't called no-bakes just for giggles, y'know?
they ARE pretty flippin' expert, though.
and that's no joke.
take a look:

usually, they're drop cookies, i think.
clumpy blops of chunky gunk, left to settle in and firm up in a heap.
i don't know why folks like them to look like pooplumps,
but i can't hang out with that, neighbors.
it's just not within the basic framework of my infinite nature.
i'm a mess-with'er and a fiddle-about'er and a can't-leave-it-aloner,
which makes following recipes hard,
and eating ugly food even harder.
i got my silicone shapes out, and i stuffed all the stuff in 'em,
so that i could have the pretty pieces all on a plate.
stay ugly, eat beautiful, stay dope.
^^that's the only amendment i'm prepared to allow at this time.
here's what i did to conjure the spirit of cookie monstrosity:
1 stick of vegan butts.
1 cup of sugar (coconut sugar is what i used, but it doesn't matter what kind)
1/2 cup of non-dairy milk
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup chocolate chips
^melt all that sh!t up, on lowish heat, until it's a soup of sweetness-
you should have a big bowl full of:
3 cups rolled oats
1 cup medium flake unsweetened coconut
1 cup of peanut butts
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1 tsp vanilla (again)
a pinchish of salt
that's all there is.
stir it together- don't burn yourself, maybe wait a minute or two-
and then take that crusty pulpy poopy goop,
and press it into some molds,
if you're lazy, or you don't have something as handy as a mini-muffin tin,
do the doo-doo butterball thing.
i'm not the boss of you,
so do what you like.
why'd i hit 'em with the kapowdered sugar sprankles?
because i'm not a F*ing A*-hole, that's why.
don't be dumb.
if we can sexxx up the food with a little confectioners' lingerie,
then why the heck  wouldn't we?
i mean,
on the ones,
you all already know MY opinion on the subject:
too much is the right amount.
i wouldn't allow myself to get involved with anything less.
real talk.
september is a cute little segue here in new england.
the woodsly goodness is in a perpetual transitional state,
and september sees the best aspects of that transformation all month long-
the weather is still summery for a spell;
apples are poppin';
pumpkins are out of their gourds;
kids and tourists are outta here after this stooooopid long weekend;
september is rad.
if work can remain steady in the face of fleeing second-homeowners
and the collegiate cleanse (not a lot of academic achievers up here),
i'm sure that the waning final third of 2016 can still stir up something worth a damn.
i guess we'll have to wait and see-
only a fool would try to speed up time;
never quiet, never soft.....

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