Sunday, September 4

september scones.

i made scones.
i did.
i even ate them on the floor.
i did.
floor despair lends itself to scones like clove cigarettes go with listening to the cure.
floor despair is when everything is lookin' pretty grim,
except for those scones-
so you wallow in your gluttony,
and eat five and a half scones, fast, in a row.
i did that, too.
also true is that i did have some hope that scones would improve my day.
...and they did.
check the teleport:

you wanna make some of these jauns?
here's what you gotta do-
2 1/2 cups of a.p. flour
1 cup spelt flour
1/2 cup tapioca (because F* dry-A* weak scones, neighbors)
1/2 tsp salt
1 stick plus 3 T vegan butts
4 T creamchee'
1 1/2 tsp baking kapowder, 1 tsp baking soda
cut the fats into the flour, until it's chunky, but all together.
then, y'gotta add-
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp allspice
1 1/4 cups raisins
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt OR sourcream (i used the cream, and it was expert)
1 cup non-dairy milk, plus 1 T lemon juice, plus 1 T vanilla.
the batter is sticky, but that's good.
in all honesty
i prepped the dry ingredient blend the night before,
and the fats were allowed to cool in the fridge all evening.
when i added the cold wet deliciousness,
the whole thing was wholly perfect, and so much nicer.
true story.
the secret is to fold the batter, then turn it;
and then fold it, and then turn it;
over and over and over and over.
eventually all the dry parts are wet, and all the wet parts are integrated.
i lost count of how many individual folds and turns i made,
but y'all can SEE the puffed up flaky moist luscious layers up there.
so, DO that.
it's good for you.
the batter is enough to cut in half,
press flat into two 1" high circles,
and slice into sixths.
that's three asterisk-style cuts, kids.
that way, you get a dozen doses of delight, and everybody is happy,
even through the floor despair.
i dusted the tops with cinnamon,
and put the wedges in the freezer for a few before baking.
you really want that butts to let the tiers of terrific get so sexxy,
and if it's too soft, it's too late.
what are you waiting for?
you're waiting for about twenty minutes, duders.
get it?
at four-hundred succulent, searing, scaldingly superhot fahrenheit degrees.
that's it.
then you have the thing you want...
i could've been content with that result.
.....if i was a half-steppin' sucka-lickin' sap-hole.
i know what's really good,
so i turned 'em up to eleven with that cinnamaple icing.
too much is the right amount.
maple syrup, confectioner's sugar, cinnamon, ginger, vanilla, and a splash of soymilk.
what happens next?
you close your eyes and die a little happy death with the very first bite.
make a scone, buddy.
lay down on the floor in an unlit room,
and eat it.
i guarantee you'll gain a new perspective on your whole entire life.
do it;
never quiet, never soft.....

No comments: