Friday, September 9


you want flaky pastry hand pies?
i GOT flaky pastry hand pies.
open-faced exxxtra-sexxxy tarts are on the menu,
and in my mouth,
and quite possibly one of the finer things i've made in some time.
check the crispity-crunchin'-type teleport:

local early farmstand apples,
sliced medium thick,
and tossed with lemon juice, brown sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg,
until everybody was lookin' very deep and dark and dope indeed.
these were actually so simple to make,
i'm surprised i hadn't ever done a batch of them sooner.....
the pastry dough?
1.5 sticks, that's 12 T vegan butts,
plus andther 'nother 4 T vegan creamchee',
a pinchy-pinch of salt,
a little punch of sugar,
a splash of vanilla,
2 cups of flour,
and very cold non-dairy milk by the spoonful,
until the whole fatty-boombattie big action is jusssst wet enough to stick together.
y'gotta chill that dough the F* out. for AT LEAST an hour,
and then you can roll it out thinly, but not TOO thinly,
and cut as many circles circles from it as you can,
i think i was trimming out 6"ers? i didn't measure, i used a plate,
and i'm not about to measure it now, either.
i got six circles from the dough,
plus enough cutaway to pop those kyooooooooot little hearts out for the folds.
i doo-doo that cutesy sh!t, and i am generally  unashamed of my pursuit of pretty things.
i'm like that, neighbors.
it's part of my infinite nature,
and we all know that nature (always) wins.
speaking of moving in sync with the echoes of eternity
that resound in resonant residence within the walls of my mortal frailty-
i HAD to add more to these tasty treats.
i mean,
too much is the right amount, guys.
that's a thing.
underneath that fresh-to-death fan of apples,
i spread a sheen of raspberry jam.
that's right.
on the cold pastry circle, under the candy-coated uncooked apples,
there was raspberry jam, ready and willing to boil up
and caramelize that whole sunovab!tch into something especially expert.
..........and it totally did.
is there anything else to add?
i wanted to take 'em to eleven, naturally,
i hit 'em off the top with big demerara sugar crystal sprankles.
that's some delightful and delicate stuff right there.
baking them was an unknown quantity of time and temperature,
so i tried twenty minutes, on parchment, at 400F.
how did it work out?
well, how do they look?
tasty as a muthaF*er, right?
i got lucky,
and i'm glad for it,
because i ate so flippin' many i had to make MORE.
galettes, bro.
lazy tarts,
crop-top hand pies.
never quiet, never soft.....

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