Tuesday, March 7


i waited and waited until my bananas were ugly, man.
days of staring at those little yellow bastards,
watching them get those age spots and whatnots,
and then, just like that, yesterday morning,
they were ready.
...and so was i.
check the elvis/black-elvis-type teleport:

that's soooo much flavor, dudes.
i have a question for all my vegan bakers out there.
no, i'm not excluding any regular bakers,
but your experience is likely to be a bit different,
and not precisely suited to answer my query.
any of you vegan nerds have the experience of every single cake and bread
taking significantly longer to bake through than you'd have thought?
i mean,
i've always believed banana bread to need a 45 minute oven hangout.
am i right?
well, not this one.
after an hour of baking, it's solid, but softer in the center.
i'd have eaten it regardless, but i'm making RECIPES, man.
we don't want the weak sauce to be represented here,
just the new hottness.
i baked it.
what do we do to MAKE it?
that's easy.
we do this:
1 cup brown sugar;
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt;
^creamed together,
and crushed up with 3 ripe ugly brown-spotted big bananas.
that makes a sort of slimy sludge that is what we need for the next phase.
2 1/4 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt.
stir all of that up into a fudgy batter,
and divide 1/3 mixture into a separate bowl-
here's where we get expert on the blendy wizard sh!t, neighbors.
in the larger batter,
add 1/4 cup + 2 T peanut butter,
it should be the natural kind.
you know- slightly greasy, sorta gritty-ish,
and way less uniform and lame and sugary than the big brand label jauns.
honestly, why are you using that other stuff?
get the oil-separating weirdo real-real big action.
if you don't you're probably a jerk,
and your bread is gonna suck, too.
so, moving on,
also add in at least half a cup of chocolate chips, too!
peanut buttery chocolate chip activation is now on the scene.
what's next?
black elvis, OBVI.
y'feel me?
we're taking the other 1/3rd, adding 2 T non-dairy yogurt,
and almost 1/3 cup of cocoa
(i'll admit i didn't measure, but i'm willing to be it was almost a third of a cup)
cocoa makes things dry.
it does.
that's why there's exxxtra yo-yo, bro.
and once you've got your two types of buh-nay-nay-noonoo ready,
marble them up in a greased and floured loaf pan any way you see fit.
....then, it's bakey bakey forever and ever time.
it took about 60 minutes, at 350F, for the tester to come out clean.
(i turned it up to 375 for the last fifteen, i don't even give a F*)
that hour i set aside was well-spent with crabtree.
he likes the attention, and i like the exercise.
then, we went for a walk, and when we returned-
colder, older, and more tired than when we began,
there was just enough time before work
to heat up some chocolate and powdered sugar and vanilla,
and make a ganache'd-up drizz for the top.
of course, that only represents one side of the flavor domination we've created.
and, not for nothin',
but too much IS the right amount.
that's why there's that peanut-buttery, powdered sugar and soymilk-blended icing
also keeping it exxxtra sexxxy on top.
how much of that is there?
i dunno man.
a little splash of 'milk, a scoop of peanut butter, a big shake of sugar,
and low heat to get it all melty.
it thickens quickle off the flame, so don't be fooled if it looks a little runny.
it'll get itself sorted soon enough.
and last, but not least, just because rules is rules, and MORE is what we need:
chocolate chip sprankles on top.
moist, sweet, rich, and very cakey, surprisingly.
this one was a hit,
and also,
this one got torn into by the dudes i work with especially hard.
i can never tell if that means it's really good,
or just really readily accessible to the average palate.
i'm just sayin'-
adventurous eaters they are NOT.
it was a hit,
and we all beat it up all day long.
i'll take that as a win.
i've had a decent stretch of fun and pleasant clients.
i'm still plenty busy at the tattoo studio,
and for the most part, i'm able to pick a bit of what i do, and when.
the whole place being a baby bit being shorthanded
means that i should probably do more of the tax-return dirties,
and other assorted dude-heavy redneckery and rural banal buttholery,
if there's anything i've learned over the years,
it's that cultivating a specific clientele is THE BEST way
to not end up hating tattooing,
especially in the late second decade doldrums.
no joke.
sorry 'necktards, but i think i might just be all booked up,
with no available time  for those siiiiiiiiick american flag wolf tattz;
and that's for the foreseeable future.
no more bad days, dudes.
not with the job i've got.
that's dumb.
i started tattooing forever ago because i couldn't see myself being
a boring day-in-day-out doo-doo buttery doldrummer in the regular world.
so when i noticed my mean-spirited mien at the start of each day,
i knew i had to change something.
and that's being accessible to generic and ordinary ideas,
on that exact level of client-
who happen come equipped with incompatible budgets, to boot.
is that judgmental?
a little.
100% correct?
no doubt.
pick your battles, brothers.
i'm choosing the wrench, just like always,
but these days it's got a perfumed pink handle.
the rest of these realtree rejects can go sniff a bicycle seat;
never quiet, never soft.....

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