Saturday, March 11


let me just say,
i cut the flour into squares, to see if that makes a difference in anything.
you see all that fat chefs always doing the triangles of tortellini.
so i figured there must be something to it.
......they taste the same, and they cook in the same time,
but the look a little bit cooler,
and that's reason enough to do it again.
pretty food is always invited to dinner over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's a thing.
i got home late from work, again,
that doesn't change the rules, buddy.
not one bit.
it's marzo italiano,
and i knew i still needed to bring some bellissimo boomfire to my bellyhole.
i mean,
arriving a little later than usual is not an excuse to take it easy.
that's what the unimpressive and unambitious people do.
we can't have that kind of weak sh!t up in here.
the woodsly goodsly warrior poetry of excessive expertism cannot be denied.
i felt obliged to get after it on some quick and sexxxy foodstuffs
with red-alert-level alacrity.
so, after a belated greeting with my little homeboy,
and a quick trip outside to relieve some built-up pressure,
and maybe even pee on a tree or two....
crabtree devoured his crappy dinner,
and i had a 50/50 semolina dough straight-up kneaded and relaxing on the counter,
while the makings of a sauce and a topping and a filling
took turns being attended to, too.
what i came up with was nothing short of righteous.
i mean it.
i impressed myself.
check the tortellini-type teleport:

the dough for the pasta was as straightforward as it gets-
1/2 cup semolina flour;
1/2 cup white flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
2 T olive oil;
1/2 cup warm water.
that's all you need, as long as you knead it for at least five minutes,
and rest it for another fifteen or so, covered with a damp towel.
i rolled it out on a floured surface as thin as i could get it
it was a stiff dough,
which i attributed to how effing dry it is in my house these days...
shoutouts to windy wintry weather sucking the fun,
and the moisture, out of everything.
i had sixteen 3" squares to fill once everything was rolled and cut.
the filling was awesome.
there ain't no other way to say it, it had me going apesh!t-
4 T custom nootch-boosted cashew-garlic-tofu chee';
2 T minced daiya mozzarella;
2 cloves sauteed garlic;
2 T minced sauteed sweet onion;
2 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1 T olive oil.
dash of nutmeg.
a small scoople into each prepared pouch,
with a moistened edge, a fold, a squeeze, a crimp,
and a little time to dry out,
and tortellini are in full mother-flippin' effect just as simply as all that.
the SAUCE, tho, bro.
1/2 small diced onion;
1 1/4 cups chopped butternut squash;
1 clove crushed garlic;
1 cup vegetable broth;
dash of nutmeg.
^ saute the onion and squash  in a big glug of olive oil for a few minutes,
then add the rest and let it all get simmered together until it's soft.
you could even add a pinch of sage. (i did, but i'm just like that, y'know?)
in a blender, a food processor,
or, if you're expert, with an immersion stick-mixer,
crush all that stuff into a smooth orange puree.
you cold try to do it by hand, i s'pose, but i bet it won't be as dope.
maybe if you smoosh it through a tomato ricer?
i dunno.
after all, i used the expert option.
a big scoople of that on the bottom of a plate,
with the tortellini,
boiled until they float in a big pot of very salty water,
and you'd have something special on your hands,
if you were only qualified to eat something special for regular folks.
that's right.
too much is the right amount,
and expert is as expert does, neighbors.
that's why the hottness couldn't end there.
no way.
we still needed to activate the hotter-than-hot-hottness.
3 T vegan earth balance butter,
in a hot skillet, melted, with 1/4 cup chopped walnuts,
and a bunch of fresh sage leaves, fried together until the butter gets brownish-
it wont darken like real dairy butter, so be prepared to adjust your expectations a bit.
when the leaves are crunchy,
and the walnuts smell like heaven, it's ready.
here's the plan.
squash sauce on the bottom,
tortellini tossed with walnuts in the butterish, stirred up to coat,
and dropped right in there.
the sage leaves go next,
followed by a coordinated compliment of fire-roasted tomato sprankles,
chopped parsley sprankles,
and cracked black pepper bits.
there's all the flavors and textures,
there's a whole lot of it,
and all of it was over and done with in about a half an hour.
that's some effective, efficient, excellence of execution in effect.
and that's what i want my life to be about more often!
i'm not excited about getting all blarped out.
oh, that's a real thing, for sure-
you try eating molto italian food for weeks in a row
and then tell me you don't feel fatter, too.
vegan or not,
i've been dominating dish after dish after dish of decadence,
and i'm beginning to wonder why the heck i constantly do this to myself.
hold on.
i mean it.
i'm alone in this house.
yeah, yeah, crabby is here with me-
he can't have what i'm making, so that's not relevant.
i am compelled to see these inane goals through.
i toss out these decrees,
and then i follow them to their preordained conclusions.
pasta and pizza are what's poppin' at the moment.
i can't imagine when your man from dublin by way of rome shows up,
which is to say-
the very famous saint pasquale,
or as most know him saint patrick,
or paddy, as he's called by his drinking buddies,
his celebration, even without the use of alcohol in THIS household,
is still unlikely to offer much of a respite
from this starchy month of critical carbohydrates
when the big day finally rolls around next week.
i mean,
it's a potato-heavy day.
that's all i'm sayin'.
i'm blarping out.
going into a caloric deficit is the least likely of scenarios
so long as my desire to create outweighs my desire to abnegate.
there are lots of forms of self destruction.
my personal favorite is dinner construction.
i appreciate the perversity of my creative side
perpetuating controlled demolition on my digestive side.
the good news is it's all expansive-the recipes and the waistline, both,
and it's all really happening, which i suppose IS sort of the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

1 comment:

Garnet said...

Mm. That looks really good. If I weren't so unambitious (with food, anyway) -and not wantin' to feel fatter- I'd certainly give your recipes a try. Love the scintillating commentary that goes with them, too! Yum!