Sunday, March 26


what's more of a treat in the morning than hot, sticky, buttery,
gooey, crusty, chewy cinnamon buns??
...not much, man.
that's for sure.
after my trip to connecticut,
i needed an affirmative activation of woodsly goodness for my face.
the way hippies sage stuff to cleanse the bad vibes,
using the healing smoke to blabbity-blah blah
and whatever whatever whatever what. ev. er.....
instead of that silly sauce,
i just bake expert vegan treats to infuse the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress
with fresh-to-death delicious dopeness.
i don't remove negative waves, man,
i roll right over those imaginary juju beams with real life
positive proactive nutrients in fancily-arranged formation.
my invisible aura was cleansed through cinnamon ingestion,
and i have to tell you, neighbors-
baking in the laboratory test kitchen is just about my favorite place to be.
real talk,
everything about the process makes me psyched.
and at the end of my homecoming exercise,
i got to munch up as many cinnamon swirls as i could fit in my body!!!!
and this time, there were cranberries, too.
check the cinnamon-magic-type teleport:

i know,
i've been effin' with cast iron pretty heavily these days.
i'm about that black metal, buddy.
there's nothing more to it than that.
the key to a good cinnamon bun,
in my opinion,
is a stiff dough.
to achieve that, i always add a little scoop of wheat gluten to the flour.
and it works like a charm, every time.
here's the what and how,
in case your house is in need of some morning glory sometime soon:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 T wheat gluten;
1 pkg (2 1/2 tsp) fast-actin' yeast;
1/4 cup sugar;
4 T melted butterish;
1 cup non-dairy milk, warmed-
with 1 tsp vanilla, and 2 tsp bread machine yeast.
combine all that, and knead the crap out of it for 5 minutes in a stand mixer,
or more like ten by hand, which suuuuuucks.
let it rest for 10 minutes,
and roll it out into a rectangle,
the filling is super simple, and really hard to do wrong:
1 cup =/- brown sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
4 T vegan butts;
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger;
1/2 cup chopped dried cranberries.
cream everything but the cranberries,
spread it out leaving a 1" margin on one long side,
toss all those cranzos evenly along the sugary butts,
and roll it up, so the exposed dough can be moistened,
and fastened to seal 'em shut.
if you've really been manhandling the dough, you may want to refrigerate it
for a little bit,
so the soft butts don't squeeze out as you cut the roll into discs, y'know?
or not.
i mean, i'm not the boss of you,
so you can do whatever you want, bro.
i cut 16 sections,
that's half/half/half/half,
and arranged as many as i could fit in a BIG skillet.
14 was the number i could pack in the pan.
the end rolls were baked separately,
but they were eaten first.
how long?
how hot?
375F. around25-30 minutes,
or until they're golden and brown enough for your taste.
parchment paper is a key element in this situation.
it keeps all the stickiness contained,
and the cleanup consists of just lifting out that paper,
and then being done cleaning up..
it's like a two second action.
oh, and don't forget to glaze them when they cool off a bit.
be patient.
if you do it when they're warm, you're dumb.
c'mon, kiddo-
because, the residual heat will make all the sugary goodness dissolve.
and obvioulsy, i know the rules,
and activated a bunch of dried cranberry sprankles on top.
that's how you make 'em more awesome.
too much is the right amount,
and less cranberries is not that, at all.
making treats.
making treats at home.
making treats in my beat-up and rugged Folk Life kitchen.
that's what i always want to do.
so that's what i do.
....and then i eat way too much.
and that's just right.
all dudes on the schedule today.
pure crapola.
maybe they're cool?
maybe not.
maybe i'll have a great day?
probably not.
i will do a lot of tattooing.
i will also get paid.
on top of that,
i may have two kinds of pretty sexxxy rice i'm thinking about using,
at the end of all today's measly, mangy, man-time overlap,
there could very well be some satisfaction to be had at suppertime.
if not,
i'll absolutely just order a big ol' pizza.
i think that's ok.
after all,
nothing douses my disposition in doo-doo butter like a day full of dudes,.
no. no. no.
all the sage in the world couldn't smudge, or unsmudge,
or unbesmirch the flavor of non-stop male interaction....
so, i can't even count on cooking with it to cleanse my day at the last.
don't mistake me, here, friends-
i am grateful for the path i'm on.
i'm even grateful for these fellas coming through today.
but that doesn't mean i don't have preferences,
i hope we get to talk about all sorts of manly stuff.
i don't know about any of that.
i made a cake already this morning.
it's cooling off right now.
i need something to be psyched about while i'm trudging, plodding,
wading, and slogging through this testicle-heavy day of work.
and there will be chocolate-covered pretzels involved.
that's insurance against over-dudefication.
word up;
never quiet, never soft.....

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