Tuesday, March 14

Pi DAY!!!!

i'd LOVE some pie!!!!
that's the only answer i acknowledge when i think to myself:
would i like some pie, by any chance?
pie is dope.
pie is great.
and on 3.14,
which is to say, today,
it's pretty much mandatory that we have PI(E)!!!
if you didn't know about that,
likely because you're a luddite
living in a deep dark electricity and internet-deprived cave,
now you've been informed of the clever numberwang
that is the date, and also the PI for your eye,
made out of PIE!
get it?
i got up early, and got into some fruity activation for everybody.
if pie is good,
then MORE pie is better.
that's a fact.
because today is the day,
and site-specific new hottness is sort of my thing,
i baked not one,
but TWO pies.
that's how you doo-doo that celebratory sh!t.
and lord knows i'm all about that life.
so without any more of this preamble,
i'd like it very much if you would check the teleport:

that's a raspberry blueberry lemon-zested black-bottomed pie!!!
and that's F*ing expert.
my preferred pie dough was displayed to great effect, i think.
would you like to make some?
do this:
* pastry dough!
2 1/4 cups flour;
dash of salt;
punch of sugar;
1 tsp vanilla extract;
11 T vegan butterish;
3-4 T vegan creamchee';
food processed with dash after dash of nondairy milk
until it barley holds together as crumbly mass.
press it into a disc, wrap it in plastic, and refirgerate it for at least an hour,
but longer is really the smarter play.
trust me.
...i use a lot of it.
there's very simple black bottomed blops on the base of the piecrust.
melted chocolaty chips thinned-out with a splash of soymilk, to smooth it out a bit.
that's all there is to it.
so dope,
but, like, also super easy.
so much so that anybody, and by that i mean even you and i, can make it happen.
and that fruity filling?
12 oz of frozen raspberries,
and a full 16 oz of frozen wild blueberries,
warmed up with a tsp of lemon extract,
a tsp of vanilla,
1/2 cup of powdered sugar,
a few T of agave, just because,
and a slurry of 3 T cornstarch once the juices began to flow.
that's that good-good.
but that was just phase one.
too much is the right amount, man,
and the other one was everybody else's favorite.
check it out:

a full pound of frozen strawberries,
4 small apples, peeled, cored, and chopped,
and lots of ginger.
that's the stuff you're gonna want, buddy,
i mean it.
simmered slowly until soft,.
and tossed with a heavy handful of quick oats to soak up all the exxxtra sauce,
so the pastry wouldn't get soggy....and there's the obligatory cinnamon swirls,
plus a sh!tload of snowflakes.
both pies were baked at 415F for twenty five minutes apiece,
until golden and majestic and totally set-up and special in all the ways that matter.
expert is as expert does, dudes,
and experts know to keep it real,
and make it pretty while they're at it...
big ups to that cinnamon awesomeness, friends.
and a hearty no-five to the snow.
oh, yeah.
today we got well over a foot of fresh miserable late winter powder,
in an attempt by ma nature to really eff up our day.
shoutouts to spring break kids who came home for the week.
womp womp.
so, it's a snow day,
and it's a tough one at that.
anything can hapen on a snow day,
but only the sh!ttiest stuff went on,
starting from the fall of the first flake in the early hours of the morning.
an abominable blizzard of winter wizardry was whizzing
around our heads all damned day, and i still went to work,
because that's what i DO.
...and was the studio busy?
you'd better believe it, bro.
it's income tax return time, and the weirdies, the dirties,
and the ugghs all manage to stay warm with that loot burning holes in their pockets.
everybody came through, and i was busy all damned day,
while the skies dropped terrible tonnages of frozen F*ery on down our heads.
so, i'm buried under all the weather,
just in time to spend my one day off digging out from below...
i ate enough pie to keep me motivated to get sweaty for long enough
to melt off some of that flaky pastry piggishness.
i am a glutton for good things,
and i took that pie apart, slice by slice by slice.
i started with two pies,
and by day's end, less than one half remained.
that's how it's done, folks.
anything else is lazy work for lazy people.
that's the rule.
don't forget it.
and happy day, too;
never quiet, never soft.....

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