i made a pie.
really, it's a tart.
but,
whatever you call it,
it's effing delicious.
i'm serious.
i tried to be clever about it,
and wrote a bunch of witty election wisecracks,
because i can't take those things that are important to you seriously.
nope.
not in the slightest.
and while all of that was funny to me-
white people went crazy,
and voted, hard,
and put a big jerk into the white house.
(for the record,
i would've written that last part,
[{sans white people} substitute: diaperbabies]
regardless of who won.
however,
i still somehow won the day,
and then i repeated my victory again in the night,
with a few big slices of this smooth sugary tasty treat.
what?
hahahahaha.
yeah.
i won for eating the best tart/pie with my mouth
mmmmmhmmmmm.
sorry, guys,
but i didn't vote, again,
and i don't plan on doing much differently now that it's over.
i'm here,
in the woodsly goodsly remote, rustic, rural ruins of the modern world,
up in the high hills,
tucked aways away, always, in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
doing my best to be my best.
...and that includes making these treats.
check the post-election-results-type teleport:
THIS SH!T IS THE PRESIDENT OF BEING expert!!
almonds, graham crackers, oats, butter, sugar, and vanilla,
pressed together, make up the crust.
i baked it for 11 minutes, at 350F,
to get it firm enough so that it'd hold up to all the good stuff inside.
yep.
that's important.
then, i added the pastry creme.
italian bakery-style pudding-type hottness, only vegan as F*!
make it yourself:
***********
1 1/2 cups of non-dairy milk, heated in a pan
1 more cup, in a blender,
with 1/3 cup powdered sugar
4 T cornstarch/arrowroot
2 T flour
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp almond extract
1/2 tsp lemon extract
blend all the stuff, and add it into the hot milkiness.
then stir like you don't want it to suck,
and burn,
and basically be the worst,
which is what'll happen if you don't.
let it cool once it's pretty thick. you'll know it when you see it,
or, if you can't tell by feel and sight-
it'll begin to have big, fat bubbles like a tar pit.
turn off the heat and stop it.
let it cool, fool, or you'll melt your crust.
it can be warm, and pourable, but hot is bad for crusts, neighbors.
trust me.
***********
i had a pair of pots going in tandem
as i warmed up soem red-state raspberries.
bitter, sure, but ultimately victorious, with powdered sugar,
and lemon, and lemon zest and a little vanilla and lemon extracts added in,
to upgrade that sh!t, before i starched it into a thicker spreadable gloppity gloop.
i did the same for the bleeding-heart blueberries,
and i split 'em half and half.
had i known the outcome,
i'd have made it way more raspberried,
but, hey,
i'm bipartisan in my berry dispensation, bro.
it's only fair.
-
3 T butts
2 T creamchee
one tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp lemon extract,
and a steady stream of lemon juice,
added to two cups of powdered sugar,
and i had frosting to compete my tricolor trifecta.
white and tight,
just like a surrender.
awwwwww.
from the patriotic pastry to the flag-colored fruit and frosting combo,
i made myself feel little bit better about the big ol' mess we're all in together.
it's all really happening,
and that's the craziest part.
this is real life.
i'm gonna need a lot more of this tart to see me through the night;
never quiet, never soft.....
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