Friday, November 18


everybody knows about pumpin' out the pumpkin in october.
i mean,
rules is rules, and that's totally a real thing-
pumpkin does make a mid-NOvember resurgence.
in the form of pies and what-have-you's for all the thanksgivingly
gratitude and generosity that supposedly stem from eating a lot.
i'll buy into that, for sure.
thanksgiving is one of my favorites,
because it combines two of my most favorite things:
giving thanks, genuinely, for whatever meager measure of good you've got,
and shark-gluttony taken to eleven.
i'm sayin',
too much is the right amount,
and a whole day dedicated to overindulgent eating,
to remember the kindness bestowed to a bunch of buckle-shoed suckas?
i'm down.
and in order to build up some momentum for the thing,
i've started early.
check the teleport:

word up.
that's everything you need right there.
moist pumplestiltskin hottness;
plump raisins;
hearty oats;
molto spices;
brown sugar;
raw sugar sprankles;
and two kinds of creamchee' frosting!!!!
it's like carrot cake, only less dumb.
i don't eff with carrot cake.
the carrots could be left out (proven),
and replaced with superior orange vegetables,
and the whole damned thing gets more expert for the substitution.
believe that.
the spices are off the hinges in this big mama, too.
i added two bags of caffeine-free chai tea,
and then MORE cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and clove.
here's how to make this mean mama-jama-
1 stick + 2 T butterish
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup plain ol' sugary sugar
lots of cinnamon, ginger nutmeg, allspice,
and a liiiiiittle baby bit of cloves
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup pumpkin
2 'bengal spice' tea bags, emptied
(why this? because this is what i was drinking a the time,
and i had it on hand- don't feel like you shouldn't go full custom,
and add black pepper, cardamon, anise, and whatever.
i mean go crazy, buddy)
2 cups flour
1/4 cup tapioca
3/4 cup non-dairy milk
1 1/2 tsp bakey kapowder
1 tsp bakin' soda
1 cup thick rolled oats
1 cup fat raisins
^^^it's so sticky and thick, but it's gonna get so good in the oven^^^
put it in a 9" greased and floured pan-
i go springform, because i want that quick escape-
dust it with raw sugar crystals on top to glisten and glam it up-
and bake that baby at 350F, for probably close to 40-45 minutes?
test it after 35, just to be sure,
when it's cool?
it's SO cool.
i did a lightly lemony tangy creamchee' frosting,
and then an upgrade with cinnamon-cider-activated expertism on top of that.
that's real.
i can't give you the recipe for that.
oh, i would,
but it's entirely fabricated by eye-
...and my eyes have seen the glory, man.
and also, my mouth has had more than a few slices of that glory already.
no joke.
it's so moist and rich,
and the frosting is so thick and sweet,
and those raisins?
raisins are borderline gross,
since they used to be firm, juicy grapes,
and now they're withered old wrinklebags,
they soaked up all the flavor,
and that's pretty good news for people who like flavor.
like me and you, i'm sure.
oats are always a good idea, and i use them as much as i can.
they give the whole crumb a big bodycheck of burliness
that benefits the integrity of the cake, as pumpkin is a notoriously wet
and disruptively spongy additive.
...not with oats tho!
they glue it all back together again, buddy.
that's how to doo-doo the freaky sh!t like a professional.
the next week is a total A*-hole.
non-stop working, on doo-doo buttery dumb dudes with dreadful ideas,
and also roundtrip round-the-clock driving...
maybe i'm getting my car back?
oh, that's right, longtime readers,
i'm still in a rental.
my broken face is now just scars and dull aches,
but my vehicle is still in the shop!
i did a really good job of ruining both.
i'm a ruiner of the first order, in most ways.
lately, though,
unforseeably unfortuitous circumstance has got life
launching some external ruination right back at me.
lots of work, and all of it awful, is better than the alternative,
but it's hard to grateful for gruel when you're not even hungry.
days on days, stacked with crap, are what i'm trying to slog on through-
there will be family togetherness,
and food,
and ostensibly some sort of fun,
by this time next week.
i've just got to get there in one piece-
.....good F*ing luck;
never quiet, never soft.....

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