Tuesday, February 21


holy sh!t!!
i did a thing,
and i'm reallllllly glad that i did.
i just did not have it in me to make cinnamon buns again.
hold on.
take it easy.
i LOVE them.
i do.
but i wanted something newer and nicer,
and i took that thought to full fruition.
i'm psyched on it, too.
cocoa and chocolate and holy effin' crapola, neighbors!
i had an epic breakfast,
hot on the heels of my last lament about blarping out.
too much is the right amount,
even in the face of fat-bellied rotund ruination.
i doo-doo that overindulgent sort of behavior.
before you hold me in contempt, though, kids,
take a look at what i was up against-

c'mon, c'mon, C'MON!!!!
big, fluffy, borderline-doughnutty spirals of pull-apart pastry,
rolled up with a big batch of mother-effing chocolate.
that's molto expert!
i ate a lot of them.
more than was advisable.
here's the thing, though-
they're so delicious, it'd be insulting to abstain.
a whole walled-rectangle baking pan, full of deep dark delicious delights,
fresh out of the oven?
only an unfortunate suffering from an allergy should resist,
and even then,
it'd be acceptable to call your folks and be very, very cross with them
for passing down those faulty genes.
i mean it.
unless that chocolate would anaphylaxically shock the sh!t outta your body,
you should be preheating your oven while you read...
and even if you ARE deathly sensitive to the stuff, consider this:
if you aren't likely to contribute much to society in the longview,
maybe you might still want to munch one or two up real quick-like,
and go out on a tasty last gasping mouthful of magic and mystery.
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'.
make these.
you'll be cooler if you do.
preheat your oven to 380F.
if you've got parchment, and you should,
tear off a sheet slightly larger than a rectangular baking pan.
in a stand mixer, if you're about that life,
or by hand, if your life sucks,
3 cups flour;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp bread machine yeast;
1/4 cup sourdough starter, for flavor more than function;
whisk it gently together,
and warm up a cup of non-dairy milk, with 4 T melted butterish,
and a tsp or two of vanilla.
you want it around 110F, so you can add 1 pkg (1 T) fast-action rapid-rising yeast.
let that bloom,
and pour that greasy 'nilla-nuanced liquid into the dry stuff.
mix it for five minutes' worth of voiolence,
and let it rest for 15-30 minutes until it's thick and sexxy as heck,
roughly 2x the size it was when you started
roll that out into a rectangle on a well floured surface,
and spread it generously with a combination of:
4-6 T vegan butters;
2-3 T vega creamchee';
2/3 cup brown sugar;
>1/4 cup powdered sugar (which acts like adhesive. its a good move);
1/3 cup cocoa;
1/2 tsp vanilla.
that's the stuff, but it's not enough.
MORE chocolate is essential here.
so, give it a dose of mini baby dark chocolate chips.
i guess you could use regular ones,
or, if you're a crazy person, you could cut normal-sized jauns in half.
i'm not telling you to do that or not, but you might be crazy if you do it,
since they're gonna melt anyway.
so, leave 1" unspread, and moisten it when you tightly,
and confidently,
roll the whole thing up.
that'll lock it up, so they don't lazily blow apart.
refrigerate the roll for five-to-fifteen,
until you estimate that the insides aren't so soft they'll squish out when you slice 'em.
i'll confess to you guys that i made sixteen rolls,
as in: halved, halved, halved, halved.
however, if you're astute. you see there's only fifteen on the pan.
well, man,
i had a spare.
and i baked it separate, and i ate it first.
true story, told truly.
YOU however, may want to plan things differently, or not.
either way, make sure you put the sexxxy side of each slice facing up.
arrange them evenly,
let them proof a little longer- 20-30 minutes,
and bake them for 25.
what you'll get is the best thing you've eaten in a dog's age.
.....especially if you let them cool just enough to drizzle some ganache on top,
and maybe a little kapowdered sugie, too.
i had four.
maybe five.
they were too flippin' good.
i didn't even realize i was already three deep into 'em,
until looked down at the pan, mid-bite.
that's immersive sensory indulgence,
and that's a pretty decent signal that one or two things are true:
1. the food is good.
2. you are a fat pig.
i apologized to my belt for being strained,
and demoted it another 'notch outwards.
what's for dinner tonight?
i DON'T know!
it's gotta be something that rocks the socks off of my body.
i've had lazyish  rainbowls too often the last few days.
i know, bruhbruh.
it isn't as though i want to stop making food,
i wish do there was a stepping stool of technique i could stand on,
and get myself a better vantage point on the menu.
until then,
i'll be doing all the other other stuff that needs my attention,
until inspiration or dinnertime arrives at my feet;
never quiet, never soft.....

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