Friday, February 3


if you don't love pizza dough;
if you're the type to leave the crust;
if you call it 'pizza bones';
if you eat more than one frozen pizza, by conscious choice, 
in a non-apocalypse scenario;
stop reading.
this is not for you.
friends, neighbors, aficionados of all things expert,
this is a blog about pizza.
real pizza.
sexxxy, homemade, crisp-crusted hottness, 
freshly baked on a hearth stone, 
at high heat,
all the way live, and directly aimed at your face!

i got that crust game poppin' at the moment.
i do.
30% semolina, that's it.
sourdough starter AND commercial yeast.
a little exxxtra gluten to keep the thinnest crusts from tearing.
a pinch of sugar to feed that active monoculture jaun a little turbo-charge,
so it can pump it up, and go apesh!t bananas in the proof.
here's the current version of the dough, 
for you to explore and adjust in your own way:
2 cups flour;
1 cup semolina; 
2+ tsp salt;
1/2 cup lively white sourdough starter;
1 1/4 cup warm water
+ 1 T sugar
+ 1 T bread machine yeast, stirred and bloomed;
2 T olive oil;
1 T wheat gluten.
^ a stand mixer is key here.
because if you let it beat the sh!t outta that dough, it comes out better.
kneaded for 5 minutes,
and allowed to bulk, covered on the counter, for one hour.
from there, it sat in the fridge for a full day, 
before being divided, 
and re-refrigerated until needed.
a looooong slooow proof like that really lets all those yeasts,
wild and cultured, develop a relationship.
the result is a burly, bready blend of sour and flour,
and it is DOPE.
how good does it taste?
it tastes like sweet dreams, dude.
if you're a regular visitor to this blog,
you know i'm pretty obsessed with pizza.
i make a lot o it.
i eat a lot of it.
i document and i detail my doings, diligently,
and i share some of the highlights here,
for all my other other 'za-heads out there.
i believe that's the best course of action for someone who is compulsively
concentrating on creating better and better versions of their favorite things.
i made my favorite combo for supper, guys.
it's been too long since i tuned up some o this particular blend,
and i'm SO glad i did.
check the teleport:
that's that wooo-wooo sh!t.
you eat it, 
and then you shout out a couple of ric flair wooos,
because your mouth just became a 16x heavyweight champion.
brussels sprouts are the clear choice for those of us 
who know about keeping it one-hundo.
brassica baby bud stalk-cabbages, 
with twice the flavor, 
all the layers,
and eleven times the cuteness!
seared in oil for a few minutes, 
dashed with a couple teaspoons of soy sauce 
and a couple more of water,
and allowed to caramelize and steam at the exact same time.
how do you know when they're sone?
when they're softish but still nicely green.
but, what if they turn olive in the pan?
well, then you effed up, and they suck now
they're taste like gonna taste like acrid farts, 
and i think you should still have to eat 'em,
because rules is rules.
if you're trying hard, and paying attention?
i think you'll be just fine, now that you know what to look for. 
tempeh bacon is great.
no. it's very dissimilar to bacon actually,
but, it's smoky, sweet, and salty, and that's what i'm looking for.
1/4 cup of uniformly chopped tempeh bits, 
simmered in a bath of oil, agave, liquid smoke, and soy sauce, 
with a dash of GPOP, and a smidge of bouillon, 
plus enough water to almost cover them.
i don't ever measure this,
and you shouldn't either.
just think about it first.
then, jump in with both feet.
caramelized onions are the BOSS!
i love onions,
i really don't think i could cook a dang thing without 'em.
they're too rad, and too tasty, and the hold the key to radical vegan hottness
in each and every layer.
i used to live with an borderline onion-hater years ago.
that's all the signal you need, man.
i should've known she was a bad person, 
it was right there, looking me in the face at every meal.
there's good news in the here and now, though, bruh-
it's just me at the dinner table.
i can terrorize all the oniony magic i want with no averse reactions from the critics.
...and i doo-doo that onion overload sh!t.
this version of my truest love got halved cherry tomatoes on top,
an fried garlic sprankles, too.
i mean, c'mon.
how are you gonna avoid those crispy little delights?
they're too damned good.
heck yes.
just enough fresh green to sexxx it up.
daiya mozzarella and crushed tomatoes  are there, too, of course.
it's my favorite pizza, buddy.
i hope you love pizza.
it's the foundation of friendship.
i've only met a few people who don't,
and honestly,
i instantly disliked them,
and it wasn't until after a bit of probing into their hobbies and interests 
that i found out why.
i am instinctively averse to that kind of F*ery.
there's food, there's treats, and then there's pizza.
it's it's own thing.
and that's a real thing.
i couldn't just dabble in pizza, 
as a side project for my food-head focus.
i'm all-in, and i'm down to go all-out.
it's not a negotiable action-item, it's a gosh-danged necessity.
pizza done right is a thing of poise and grace and beauty.
be that.
do that.
get after it.
it's good for you;
never quiet, never soft.....

No comments: