Sunday, February 5


hey guys!
i did a thing.
i did.
i tried out an idea i had floating around in my brain these last few days,
and i'm very happy to report that it worked out just like i hypothesized.
seitan nuggies, hot wing-style,
in thai sweet-and-sour chili-garlic sauce.
i'm serious.
and i'm pretty psyched on this new-new, for realsies.
a stiffer than usual seitan was where i began,
and that was the right call, y'all.
check the teleport:

cruelty-free hotties sans baby-sized bird wings and legs.
that dismemberment plan is horrifying.
i mean,
two dozen wings and legs means six juvenile chicks lost their limbs
to the luxury of all those buffalo-style superbowlery F*ing A*-holes.
real talk-
i HATE everything about the superbowl.
always have, forever and ever, and that's unlikely to change anytime soon.
haaaaaaaaaaaaate it.
and this year, it's even worse.
because, selfishly,
as an avowed temperant teetotaller,
and a bull terrier owner,
the fact that bud light has resurrected their spuds mckenzie campaign
means EVERY F*faced F*hole is gonna be beering me up
with their observations about crabtree come monday.
just one more reason to say that drinking is lame as it pertains to my life,
and that the superbowl spreads idiocy at a plague-like rate.
          dear every person i'd normally never talk to,
                  you watched the superbowl?
                  well, then yes, please,
                  do tell me more about my ugly beer dog.
                  why yes, of course i was hoping to talk to strangers
                  about my two favorite things: beer and sports-
                  especially as to how they now pertain to my pet.
                  thank you, in advance for ruining everything good.
                                                                       your pal,

we could probably cure cancer with the amount of money
that gets invested in this sportsball pageant.
yuck yuck yuck yuck.
and the idea that the commercials are as important as the halftime spectacle
which is as relevant as the actual sportsing around on the field????
what are you?
an A*-hole?
what can i do?
i s'pose for starters, i'll have to abstain from watching,
for the millionth time in a row.
and maybe make supergay vegan versions of all the food.
which is where i was headed when i first started typing this out-
i think we got a little off-topic there.
weren't we talking about NUGS?
back to the real matter at hand-
stiff seitan:
6 1/2 oz. of wheat gluten. (3/4 cup);
plus 3 T tapioca;
plus 3 T chick pea flour;
heavy GPOP, light nootch,
black pepper,
and 2/3 cup of broth, with a splash of soy sauce,
and a dash of liquid smoke.
it's just a slightly adjusted proportion,
but, it made a big difference.
and here's where i got into some new sh!t-
i kneaded it and pressed it out into 1/2-3/4" density, like a sheet.
and i used a 1 1/2" circle cutter to chop into it,
making slightly-irregular rondelles,
which just so happened to impressively approximate skinless,
boneless nugs of birdlike protein.
and when simmered in stock (for at least 30 minutes)
the inevitable ballooning that comes with absorption,
made them even MORE akin to the size and shape of what i was aiming for.
lucky lucky.
a dozen or so of those, drained, pressed, and dredged in arrowroot
made the up base for my big idea.
fried up in a shallow boiling batch of vegetable oil,
the exteriors got molto crispy, the insides stayed hella juicy,
and the sizzling pan was perfect for caramelizing the sauce.
if you aren't working with a decent sauce, you may as well just skip it altogether.
that's the truth.
the sauce.
the sauce.
the SAUCE.
it's got a lot going on,
but it's got all the right moves.
here's what you do, if you wanna get on my level-
1/3 cup mae ploy thai sweet'n'sour sauce;
(get a big bottle of it. it's not good for you, but it's SO GOOD for you)
2 T sriracha;
1 tsp texas/louisiana ho'sauce;
2 tsp thai chili-garlic paste;
(sriracha makes some that's excellent)
3 T agave;
1 tsp minced cilantro;
red pepper flakes;
1-2 tsp lime juice.
stir it up, and let that marinate all day.
i cook early and late, and the whole span of time when i'm at work
is for dough proofing, marinating, flavor activating,
and other various forms of passive/active non-participatory processes.
take half of that sauce, and reduce it to a sticky thickness,
for dippin' into later on,
and the rest?
dump it down on those nugs,
and let 'em glaze up in the hotness, to create the hottness.
it will do just that in under five minutes.
now you've got glazey sauce,
and dip-dip sauce, and a teon of flavor exploding in every direction.
don't get lazy now, buddy.
mince up some scallion,
and chop a little cilantro,
and sprankle-garnish the crap outta those spicy hot jauns.
well OBviously you've got to include celery too.
rules is rules, man.
here's the thing-
that bias cut is ten-hundred-teen percent sexxier looking
than just using some thin budget stalks.
don't cheap out in the home stretch, homies.
nobody like a weak finish.
garnish with a couple of squeezable wedges of lovely green lime,
and you've got something worth talking about.
i'm think i'm gonna veganize all the superbowl foods.
i mean,
i've gotta do something to stop having such animosity
towards this pervasive, invasive, imbecile extravaganza.
it's not healthy to hold onto styles this hard.
if i can just correctly portion all of it into single-servings,
it'll still be more than one man should reasonably consume in one shot-
since too much is the right amount,
i'm probably already getting as close to the spirit of this stoopid day as i can.
it's all really happening.
now who wants to not watch it at my house with me?
that's cool;
never quiet, never soft.....

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