Thursday, February 23


scallion, spring onions, green onions-
you know the ones.
the green ringlets that look SO DOPE,
and taste SO GOOD,
and make everything you use them in/on more expert.
that's the stuff.
they're included in every last thing i made yesterday for dinner.
i wanted scallion pancakes.
those oily crunchy outsides,
the soft, doughy layers,
the bite of those awesome little green onion leaves.
that's. what. i'm. craving.
and that's what i made.
of course, a meal of just those would've been pretty good stuff,
but i'm on a strict regimen of overachieving and overeating
and generally overdoing, overreacting, and overindulging across the board.
that's the sort of behavior that leads to a seriously savage stormswept smorgasbord.
...and that's exactly what happened.
check the regionally-non-specific-site-variable-asian-type teleport:

too much is the right amount!
you'be better believe it,
and you're F*ing right that's the truth!!!
damned straight...
the menu was on point,
the the flavors were off the hinges,
and the textures ran the whole spectrum.
this one was a good one.
my buddy carlos came through and helped me eat it.
i'm so glad.
i mean,. honestly,
i would've taken down the whole spread solo,
and almost certainly regretted it.
as it was,
there was a whole entire other serving of everything,
so i still managed to be a great big dumpy dumplestiltskin,
especially when it came to those dumplings!!
let's get started, shall we?
glutinous scallion and garlic rice cakes!!
that's 1/2 cup brown rice flour;
4 T glutinous rice flour;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/2 cup warm water;
1/4 cup scallion butts-
those're the light green lower stem bits-
minced, and wilted, with a clove of crushed garlic.
add ALL of that together,
into a batter,
and steam it up for 30 minutes or so.
now, in the interests of full disclosure:
these tasted amazing,
but daaaaaaamn, they were dense.
thick, gummy cakes weren't what i was aiming for,
and i think next time, i'll make them much thinner.
no, not the batter.
i mean the actual poured cakes.
y'see, i made little foil cups, in a circle mold,
and put the batter in each to steam.
i should've made twice as many,
but i was improvising pretty heavily,
based on my memories of what chive dumplings are supposed to be like.
i was soo close, too.
next time, dudes.
next time, they'll be the embodiment of perfection.
word up.
when they cool off from their steam bath,
sear both sides for a few minutes in HOT oil.
and what goes better with scallywagglin' ricey jauns,
AND pancake magic, than some elite SAUCE?
you need sauce, neighbors.
otherwise, you're totally effing up.
dippin' SAUCE!
2 T tamari;
2 T rice wine vinegar;
1 T agave;
1/2 tsp ea. Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;
black pepper;
1/2 tsp sriracha;
1/4 tsp ginger;
dash of sesame oil.
let it sit, stir it up, feast your face.
i'm sayin'-how easy is it?
too easy NOT to activate it!
the garlic sauce was on point as well.
possibly the best version i've had at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
my guest use the term umami several times.
it was expert, i'll have to agree.
garlic SAUCE!
1 tsp sesame oil;
1 tsp garlic oil;
2 T soy sauce;
2 T rice wine vinegar;
2 T agave;
2 cloves sliced garlic + 1 small clove minced garlic;
crushed red pepper;
1/2 tsp ground mustard;
black pepper;
1/4 cup seitan broth!
this stuff brought it.
let all of that sit together for a few hours.
you won't regret it.
and right before you add it to your stir-ups?
well, you'll need to add 1 T cornstarch, slurried in,
so it gets thiccccck AF when the high heat hits.
and that, naturally brings us to  the tofu and broccoli hottness!
tofu & brox to rock your sox!
1/2 block exxxtra-firm tofu, cut into wedges,
sauteed in sesame oil, so all sides are browned and sealed.
1 small red chili, sliced into strips,
and 1 T scallion bottoms, (the white parts) shredded and slid in there, too.
i cut little carrot hearts, but the high temps turned them all but invisible.
i'll need to make them bigger next time, for sure.
but, in order, it's tofu, then the veg, then the broccoli,
one big head's worth, chopped up to whatever size it is you like....
covered, so the whole thing steams up just a touch,
and then, once the broccoli isn't raw and rugged,
you put it on blast, turn it up,
and douse it with that fresh-to-death sauce.
wordimus prime.
i know that you know that we both know that rules is rules,
and that therefore getting decadent is the only way to get going,
y'all don't even know about this new and vastly improved red oil jaun.
holy sh!t.
this is definitively that new-new hottness.
no, really, i wish i'd made waaaay more.
red oil dumps on your face!!!

look at that chunky, spicy, elite fattie-boombattie burly batch
of what just may be the best dang dumps you wish you were eating.
ok, ok, that's not very nice,
but it IS the truth.
don't despair.
i'll gladly tell you how to make 'em, man.
let's start with the sauce!
since i've got limited access to asian supermarkets
(read that as: 1+ hr drive in any direction)
and i didn't know this was where i was going when i woke up,
let alone several days ago,
when online ordering would've been feasible for ingredient gathering-
i made do with what i had.
here's how that went:
makeshift red oil sauce:
3 T garlic oil,
heated with
2 T rice vinegar;
1 tsp soy sauce;
1/4 tsp sesame oil;
red chili flakes;
1 tsp chili garlic paste;
1 tsp HOT paprika
1 /2 tsp paprika;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
1 tsp fried garlic sprankles;
get it hot, and then take it off the stove
and let the whole bowl cool down all together.
you'll have the reddest, hottest, big sexiness that most dumplings
could only hope to get coated in as a result.
and the dumps?
that starts with standard dumpling dough:
1 cup flour;
1/3 cup warm water;
kneaded, relaxed, rolled, and cut into 3" circles,
filled, folded, crossed, and rested.
these guys get boiled, so it's always a good idea to let them dry out a touch first,
so you don't get ugly blowouts.
that's not cool.
when they float in hot, bubbly, salted water,
they're ready,
drain 'em, and douse 'em in sauce....
...and don't forget to swirl them in all that oil that drips down to the bottom.
that's important.
but what's IN 'em?
now THAT'S the business:
i combined two bunches of scallion bottoms and two cloves of garlic and
two smaller slabs of minced and mashed seitan,
with two splashes of soy sauce, two dashes of GPOP,
and two shredded leaves of collard.
that's all it takes to bring flavor into the future.
on the real real?
these were probably one of the most rewarding things i've made in a minute.
finished off with a few cilantro sprankles, to cool off a bit of that heat,
they were TOO delicious.
now i'll be dreaming of dumps for days i'm sure.
and that brings us to the 'cakes.
the inspiration for all of it,
scallion M-F pancakes!!

these are the supersexxxy boomfire for your face, folks.
i saw a weird internet technique, while browsing among the foods of the universe,
and it stuck with me for days.
i knew i had to try it,
and i'm glad as heck that i did.
i love a good scallywag mancake, bruh.
1 1/2 cups flour + flour for unsticking;
2/3 cup warm water-
i used the stand mixer to beat it up,
and then folded it over on itself for another 'nother minute,
and let the dough rest, covered in a moist cloth, for about half an hour.
(to be perfectly honest, i was busy making all this stuff, or i might not've waited)
i divided it into two equal parts,
and rolled each out into a big ol' thin rectangle- about a 10"x 8" or so....
each one was liberally greased with sesame oil,
spread with salt and lots and lots of scallions.
i used all the greens from a whole bunch-
and now, here's where you do the cool thing-
you roll it up like a cinnamon bun, cut it into two lengths,
and coil each one!!!!
that's layers on layers of panniecakey awesome, in the least steps ever!
let 'em hang out for a few. they're sticky sticky,
so use something especially nonstick to sit 'em on,
while heating up a pan exxtra-hot. gotta use a high smoke point oil, because we wanna fry 'em right on up.
patty-pat on those coiled-up jauns with your hands,
to make flatties
and lay them into that hottttt oil for a few minutes per side,
and you'll be freaking the eff out over the experience of munchin' on 'em!!!
cut into sixths, for 24 wedges of wonder and wizardry.
SO expert.
and i'm STILL not losing my mind with creativity.
i'm cooking, i'm baking,
i'm decorating,
but there's something missing.
sure sure,
having my friend over for supper was terrific.
on the ones, eating alone eats sh!t.
there's just some component that i can't quite name,
but i can note that it's absent.
like the missing spice in a recreation of your favorite food from your favorite place
from your best vacation ever....
you don't know what it's missing, you just know that it is.
in the meantime,
i'm doing all of it as hard as i ever have.
it's all really happening,
and i'm working at it, on it, and through it.
that's all there is to it;
never quiet, never soft.....

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