Thursday, February 16


another 'nother foot plus of snow,
another 'nother perilously poor performance by my plow guys,
another 'nother morning of treacherous icy dog walking,
followed by even more treacherous, and far more costly,
slippery road trip to the tax preparer's office,
to find out just how deeply i'm indebted to my uncle samuel.
that's a frosty awakening.
heck, if we're being honest,
the extra six or so inches on the ground,
after i shoveled out the walkway trench,
just so crabtree could make a three a.m. peepee in relative peace,
that i awoke to THIS morning was just as frosty,
if not a tiny baby bit even more so.
all this shoveling,
all this slipping and sliding,
all this trudging through waist-deep snow,
with my bully baby boy sharking his way beneath the surface,
has me working up one heroic appetite.
that's no joke.
and when it's time to really get serious about nourishing a depleted body?
that's when i'm big mutha-'ucking ben, neighbors.
okay. not actually-
big ben is the bell inside the giant clock,
still somewhat applicably,
i'm definitely gonna rock the bells whenever i rock the stove for all it's worth.
word up.
this time around, i put a somewhat southern touch to my meal-
i mean, c'mon.
there's no harm in conjuring images of warmer climes as i look out my windows,
directly into a F*ing snow bank.
anyway, i got it poppin';
and it gave me the strength to endure a little bit longer,
and tolerate a little bit more of this wild wintertime woe and despair.
check the gravy-baby-type teleport:

this spread stuck to my ribs,
and spread to my toes.
everything expert was everything that i wanted,
and that's exxxactly what i made.
a simple slaw: two cabbages, carrots, salt first, and vegan mayo second,
chilled out in the fridge for the freshest crunch i could capture.
arugula and shaved cucumber, tomato, pea tendrils,and microgreens,
with a semi-sweet lemon-white-wine-olive oil vinaigrette-
1 T lemon juice'
1 T white wine vinegar;
1 T lady madonna-style olive oil (you get it);
black pepper, basil, and a pinch of sugar.
easy, easy. just enough to sexxx that bitter leafy love up all nicey-nicely.
seared collard greens, with olive oil and a dash of salt,
topped with cornmeal-crusted black-peppery fried superfirm tofu steaks,
topped with homemade gravy and lots of ho'sauce.
gravy is easy, kids;
melt 3 T butterish with 3 T flour,
let that get golden brown.
add 2 cups of light broth,
GPOP, nootch, and any herbs you'd like to see featured,
on high heat, while you stir for all you're worth,
until it's thick as heck.
homeboy homefry fritters?
one smaller potato, boiled with half of a smaller onion,
mashed up with 1/4 cup arrowroot,
paprika, smoked paprika, Garlic Powder and Onion Powder, and nutritional yeast.
a dash of liquid smoke, a drizzle of olive oil, and a splash of soy sauce,
and voila!
make your medallions, and fry them in vegan butter,
on high-ish heat, so the outsides get crispy,
and the insides don't moosh out!
i put parsley sprankles on mine,
just because i wanted them to look prettier.
feel free to use cilantro, or scallions, or whatever....
yeah there's ho'sauce on top.
they're homeboy homefries, man.
keep up.
and what about that hash?!?!
hell yeah, kids.
sweet corn, pan-toasted with poblano,
and a chipotle chili powder blend-
oregano, smoked paprika, chipotle, cumin, coriander, and sugar....
it's F*ing barbecue-flavored, bro.
with red,
onions tossed in just in time to soften up just a scooch,
and retain enough texture to turn  this meal into a triumph.
c'mon, friends.
that's some good stuff up on that plate.
you know you want some.
i ate it all.
just sayin', i'm a verrrrrry hungry man, man.
what's up, though?
i KNOW you're looking at those exxxxtra-luscious flaky, buttery,
vegan buttermilk biscuits!
wordimus prime!!!
those jauns are the tenfold TRUTH !
you want some?
do this:
preheat your oven to 450F.
make a cup of vegan buttemilk
that's 1 cup of non-dairy milk, and 1 T lemon juice.
let that hang out and curdle while you pastry-cut 5 T ice-cold butts
into 2 cups of flour,
sifted with with 1/2-3/4 tsp salt,
1 T bakey powder,
and 1 tsp bakey soda,
when you've got that mixed, so the butter bits are there,
but the consistency is that of a somewhat-combined crumbliness-
add in the buttermilk,
and stir it up gently.
don't beat up the dough, yo.
fold it in on itself a few times, until it's layered and mixed,
and press it out about 3/4" thick, by hand,
and cut out a bunch of 3" circles.
you have a set of multi-sized circle-cutters, right?
i  hope so.
i mean, get into the game, guys.
if not,
you probably have an empty can or a glass or something.
figure it out.
cut 'em out,
i got nine, 7-8 is good too.
lay 'em on a baking sheet, touching.
(that's key for proper rising)
and poke a dent in the center of each.
if you don't dent 'em, they dome, and that tastes the same,
but looks less like real biscuits and more like your a chump.
melted earth blance on top of each one is important too.
it gives 'em that golden good-good.
you wouldn't want to miss out on that, would you?
for realsies-
what are you?
some kind of an A-hole?
use the butts, and thank me afterwards.
bake those b!tches for 15 minutes,
and then feast your slathering salivating face on those flaky delights-
everything expert.
like i said.
i've got another 'nother acre of snow and ice to relocate,
before i go and tattzap my life away in the studio.
in between, crabtree and i are gonna climb up some snowbanks,
and get in our daily cardio together.
there's a routine in place over here.
somehow, i've managed to get the same amount done each day,
even with the added degree of difficulty that snow removal has placed on each hour.
i must've been wasting that time before.
stands to reason that if i'm doing a whole exxxta hour's work,
i must've had that to spare.
that, OR,
maybe i'm just not sleeping at all anymore.
i'll let you wonder about which it is,
i've got miles to go before i go to work;
never quiet, never soft.....

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