Saturday, June 10


once in a while,
from the deep depths of my dismal and abysmally abyssal perspective,
a little bioluminescent glimmer of goodness pops up.
like those sharp-toothed monster fish from miles below the surface,
with the lights that lure in dumber, more curious sea-dwellers to their doom...
now you get it.
except, it's not a F*ing fish, because they're gross,
and it's not luring dumber creatures to their demise-
it's just a bright thought,
bubbling up from the crushing pressure of billions of megatons of doldrums
buried in the darkness that is the dearth of delightful new and exciting ideas.
i'm over here having a reactor meltdown over what treats i should bake,
as if my life depended on what comes out of my oven next.
and i hate it when i can't think of anything on that new-new tip. guys probably just use a cookbook, huh?
man, that seems SO much less psychologically destructive, now that i think about it;
rules is rules,
and what the eff is recipes?
besides not invited to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
i choose the wrench, friends.
and that's always the harder way.
i think it makes treats taste better, too, but what do i know?
every so often, in the midst of my frustrating stretches of lamentably lacking creativity,
i remember something from outside my wheelhouse,
and i let it roam around inside my brain for a minute or two.
a lifetime ago,
i used to live with an avid and avowed cherry-flavor-hater,
who also happened to hate on chocolate in general.
the effects of a decade of conditioning against cherries
stuck around for far longer than she did.
but no more, neighbors,
cherries are allowed. artificial cherry redness can still go die in a dirty pit,
but real-time high-def 360° surround-sound red roundies?
they're back on the charts with a bullet.
and chocolate is there, too, for good measure.
check the teleport:

this is IT.
and that's no lie.
it's got all the flavors,
it's got fresh fruit.
it's got two-tone cheeky chee' in full-effect.
and, it's even got frosting!!
how could there not be?
i'm sayin': too much is the right amount.
here's how to make your very own totally kick-A* plant-based chee'cake,
straight out of the newly-mined wells of days long gone,
but also, live and direct from the future.
preheat your oven to 375.
in your trusty food processor,
pulse 1 pkg graham crax + 1/2 pkg chocolate graham crax;
3 T sugar, and 3 T cocoa into crumbs.
transfer it to a medium sized bowl,
and stir in:
1 tsp vanilla;
3-4 T melted non-dairy butterish;
non-dairy milk, 1  at a time, until the mixture clumps together and sticks when pressed.
get yourself a pan: springform, pie, fluted tart, whatever,
and form your crust inside of it.
bake that for 11 minutes, and set aside.
in the same amazing food processor,
1 1/2 tubs vegan creamchee' (tofutti is the best choice by a galaxy's length);
1 block pressed and rained silken tofu;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
3 T cornstarch;
3 T tapioca;
3 T flour;
4 tsp lemon juice;
(i added a litttle lemon zest, too, since i was right there with my microplane.)
blend that up into a smoothie,
and reserve half, as is, in a bowl
you'd be wise to have a big ol' container o cherries on hand.
it IS cherry chee'cake, man. and the canned stuff would probably work,
but that's F*ing lame, bro.
i want the freshie-fresh jauns on MY treats.
i had two and a half cups of halved and pitted cherries
simmering with 1/3 cup powdered sugar and 2 tsp vanilla bean paste on the stove.
low heat, and patience had me deep into perfect cherry territory in almost no time.
before i let those stewed and softened cherries cool,
i drained off the sweet cherry juice,
and added it into the remaining chee'cake batter,
along with 3 T cocoa powder,
and reblended that, until it formed the loveliest mauve magic in all the land. was almost time to get it together.
but first,
i had to activate the secret sexxiness that turned it into a triumph ✖11.
melted dark chocolate black-bottom hidden track extras are how it happened.
that's just 1/3 cup chocolate chips, + 3 T s'milk, liquified over low heat,
and spread on the bottom of that crackery crumb crust!!!!!
do that, duder, and bask in the accolades that accompany each bite.
word up.
chocolate on the bottom of the chocolate crust,
then, chocolate cherry chee' over that.
i baked the first layer for 11 minutes, to firm it up.
the cherry juice made it a little wetter, a whole lot better,
and honestly, a few exxxtra ovenly minutes solved any problems before they started.
the reserved chee' went over THAT,
and i baked it all together for 33 minutes.
...that's awesome.
when it was cooled, the cherries went over it, and turned it up even louder.
a little overnight chill,
and a good morning frosting exxxplosion had me happy to be alive.
it's SO good.
i mean, for really real.
even those folks who aren't cherry people couldn't stop eating it.
that's a compliment and a half.
shoutouts to cherry chocolate combo creations,
and no-fives to the long-lost and good-riddanced weak-sauce that had it out of my head.
now that it's here,
it's here to stay.
being busy at work is great.
it is.
but being busy as heck, with regular-A* tattoos,
on ordinary-as-F* folks feels less than great.
that's such a douchey thing to say, and i recognize that.
that doesn't make it any less true.
on the real,
i'm here for you, anyway.
i can do regular-A* tattoos.
i can interact with ordinary-as-F* folks.
it's just not the most effective nor productive usage of my skillset.
i'm on some post-full-moon werewolf sh!t over here.
like, howling, hirsute, resolute ragnarokin' breakbeat berserker sh!t.
warrior poetic acrobatics;
polysyllabic semantic capoeira cartwheels;
tongue-and-tiddy-twister red-right-hand-left-foot-green-type
constant consonant contortionism;
i'm on some other other sh!t,
and it seems like such an incompatible use of force versus necktard non-readers.
i know, i KNOW,
i might be kind of an A*-hole,
but i'm not wrong,
and that should cancel out the aggrandized high-horsemanship of the statement.
i won't turn it down just because you can't follow the rhythm.
it's happening right now, in this moment, and sometimes,
that's what we need;
never quiet, never soft.....

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