maybe you're under 30,
so, like, i meant the hashtags.
y'gotta do the fork thing...
i'm getting ahead of myself.
you have got to do the fork thing, true,
because rules is rules,
and classics never go out of style.
well maybe you should,
because i'm talking about PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES!!
with the F*ing fork thing on top.
you mofos must know by now that i'm a huge fan of cookies.
cookies are expert.
...and plant-based vegan wizardry with exxxtra peanuts ranks near the top of the list.
check the crosshatch-type teleport:
PEANUT BUTTS FOR YOUR GUTS!!!
i just love cookies.
and i basically pretty much always want MORE cookies.
so i keep on making them but there are never ever enough.
somehow, the disappear faster than they arrive.
peanut butter cookies are normally kind of crumbly.
that's a thing.
peanut butter is just about the most drying semi-solid you can add,
and that gives you the dry and lame crOmbles.
not my favorite.
with my sincere savant senses, i made myself a batch of these SOFTIES in a jif
pun intended, don't buy those gross preservative and sugar peanut butters...
seriously, unless you're dumb, you already know those are for sh!t.
that means there's natural peanut butter in 'em.
it's wetter, and greasier, and generally more awesome, so we're starting out on top.
but, what else do we do to do this the right way?
i'll give you a list, bro.
i'm nicey-nice with it like that...
preheat the oven to 375℉
in one medium bowl, cream together:
3/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup dark brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
add 2/3 rd cup hippie-A* peanut butts;
3/4 cup applesauce;
^ that's the smoothie-softerizer, kiddo^
fire in 2 3/4 cups flour;
1 1/2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2/3 cup crushed roasted unsalted peanuts.
could that be simpler?
but the crushed peanuts are a tasty F*ing bite,
and you'll be glad you added a little crawnch to all that smooooooooth.
roll out little gold balls in your hand, flatten 'em out,
GIVE THE THE FORK DESIGNATION ACTIVATION,
and bake them for 13 minutes.
i had two dozen+, and now i have none.
you want magical sorcerous sexxxy peanut butts for your face?
this is how that happens.
try it, you'll like it, unless you're allergic, and then, you'll just die.
either way, you're welcome.
a fulllll weekend of bigger badder more dudelike tattoos is here already.
i appreciate the trust my repeat clients have in me.
that's a huge deal.
i rarely get tattooed, despite my deep desire to get waaay more.
time is tight, even when my money is long,
and you need both to make the big action a big reality.
maybe this summer will be the one?
the one where i get all the lightning zaps i've been waiting for.
i hope so,
any reason not to go swimming is alright with me.
here's the thing-
nobody wants to see me mostly disrobed, splashing around,
and that includes me.
what if there was a whole new skin over the old ceremony?
i think we'd all be more comfortable.
it's hard to feel naked covered in tat-F*ing-toos, neighbors,
and it while it doesn't exactly look better,
it doesn't have the same unsettling sensory suckiness
of watching a somewhat hairless/hairy skunk-ape lope around the rim of any body of water.
it's all really happening, except for the getting tattoos,
although so many tattoos are getting administered to everyone else.
this is it, and that's all there's time for.
try the cookies, friends, they're good for you;
never quiet, never soft.....