Friday, June 30


you feel like a nut, dudes.
i have been racing around doing stuff like mad,
and then tattooing exxxtra long, on exxtra-regular-A* people,
and then making some sort of supper,
before poring over internet content about the comparative merits
of different barber chairs and credit card machines...
...........what big fun that is.
on the ones,
nothing says 'effective usage' like reading about vinyl and encryption.
ANYway, while that sort of investment can make you go a little crazy-
sort of like how only some people in a room want to fly-
you might also go a little nuts.
and not just any nuts, neighbors.
because they're the ones most commonly associated with joy.
real talk.
if you're gonna bore yourself to death with details,
then you'd better put a little devil in there, too-
and when it's time to get hella hottness into your mouth,
it's obviously time for cake.
cake is good for you,
and it makes all that tedium transform into tackleable tasks in a tic.
i mean it.
and then of course, there's that joy.
check the fixing-the-drudgery-type teleport:

who gives a sh!t which card reader you get?!
not me.
i'm on some almond cake jauns, and that's waaaaaay more interesting.
c'mon, man,
it's got all the stuff you'll know you needed, as soon as you bite into it.
i DO love a lovely wedge of cakey magical goodness.
and this one has all that almond heavenliness in one place.
here's how you can have one, if you'd like to experience the taste of elation for yourself-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
in your amazing and efficient stand mixer, combine:
1 cup sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond extract;
1 stick earth balance butts;
1/4 cup crushed almonds;
1/2 tsp salt.
whip it like a problem that came along,
and then whisk in:
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
now, here's where it gets good:
2 cups flour + 2 heaping T cornstarch;
2/3 cups coarse blanched almond meal;
2 tsp bakey pow';
1 tsp bakey so';
1 cup almond milk.
all of that is what's up.
and when you blast it up into an aerated frenzy,
it gets really fluffy, for a nut-filled density bomb.
pour/spoon it into a 9" greased and floured springform,
level it off,
and bake it for about 40 minutes, or until a tester comes out clean.
the frosting is whole other 'nother matter entirely.
and it's expert.
remember, let that cake cool all the way,
or you are going to be very disappointed in your results.
this frosting is molto TIGHT tho:
2/3rds stick of vegan butterish;
2 cups of powdered sugar;
vanilla and almond extracts;
a dash of coconut extract oil;
and a few splashes of almond milk.
that's key, kiddo- don't douse it, or you'll get runny garbage.
just a drop or ten, until it's fluffed the F* up.
now, you're gonna wanna make it sexxxy, right?
rules is rules,
and ugly food is not invited.
toast up some almond slices, and float 'em on top.
if there are any with a lot of almond skin on 'em, set 'em aside.
that's a good idea,
especially if you want that new-new on there, too...
i ground those toasty niblets up, and added them into the frosting,
so that all the swirls are double-almond exxxtra-toasty,
and therefore, even more expert than ever before.
i could've left it at that,
if i ws a little waterbaby diaperb!tch...
but that ain't me, dawg.
i also hit it with one final layer of almond crumble sprankles.
yes i did.
too much is the right amount,
and that's a damned fact.
any day in june, goon.
that's how it goes.
right up until today.
because today is the day.
yes it is.
the last one of the first half of this effing year.
too soon,
too fast,
too late,
too bad.
bye bye, june.
you sorta slipped through the cracks,
and that was somethin';
now, with july coming down fast like a helter skelter bomb shelter swelter,
there's got to be MORE.
bigger, better, louder, fresher, harder, and more magnificent than all that has come before.
there's something y'all should probably know about me:
i have a terrible tendency towards taking everything too far.
to eleven as it were.
and while i don't know if it's most-accurately considered big-timin',
or grandstanding,
flossin', stuntin', flexin',
or just representing.....
i DO know this:
it's ALL really happening,
and i'm rolling forward like a juggernaut.
here comes july,
and here comes your boy;
never quiet, never soft.....

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