Friday, June 2


y'gotta have a treat for the first of the month, man.
rules is rules.
i know it.
...and i do it,
because i'm the one who decreed it.
and this month?
this month calls for some superfancy unnecessariness.
i'm activating the exxxtra hottness,
to counteract the pervasive and literal lack of hotness.
it's only been fortysomething℉ every flippin' damned day when i wake up.
that's cold for june.
and generally speaking, there's very little meat on my bones,
so warming up is hard to do.
the woodsly goodness can really be a sunovab!tch, neighbors.
that's real.
the thing of it is,
i can adapt, or at the very least, endure.
so, i'm wearing a hoodie indoors, which is not rad,
i'm also eating expert boomfire elite tart magic.
and that's better than being warm by a mile.
i'm chilly every morning and every night,
but i'm still keeping it real in this kitchen regardless.
check the linzer-type teleport:

the dough is dope.
the filling is fresh.
the sprankles are sparkly.
all told, it's a F*ing victory over the elements,
and that's especially sweet because i made it up as i went along.
the best thing about baking bread,
besides fresh-baked bread, which is the best thing....
the second best thing is that i usually have a hot oven hanging out
waiting to work it's hot hot hot alchemy on all my baked greats.
i mean,
i've got a cube of sorcery waiting to transform stuff into way better stuff.
i love that.
and i also love a good ol' buttery linzertorte.
the berries are just barely tart-
there's sugar and vanilla and lemon and almond aplenty, keeping that jammie-jam
all sorts of sweet and neat.
and the crust?
it's good.
reallllllly good, actually,
and i'm gonna tell you how to make it.
in your trusty food processor, combine:
1 1/4 cup almond meal;
1 1/4 cup flour;
3/4 cup raw sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond extract;
1 tsp lemon extract;
1 stick (8T) plant-based butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
lemon juice enough to make it all barely stick together.
pulse pulse and pulse it all up,
and then wrap it,
refrigerate it for AT LEAST an hour (overnight is better),
and then, and only then, should you heavily flour a work surface,
and roll this crumbly complication out for tartifying.
listen, friends, i rolled out and cut out that lattice-top,
but i ALSO froze it before i slid it in place atop the berries.
the dough, being equal parts crumbly nuts and wheat,
wants to fall apart a little bit, so, steps were taken to prevent the collapse
of all things crusty.
it's a delicate operation, but i think you're up to it.
and that star border?
i like stars. it's that simple.
there's microplaned lemon zest and raw sugar all over the surface, too.
that's a mandatory addition.
if you don't do it, you're demoting yourself to subpar-treat clearance,
an you'll no longer have access to all the flavor.
and MORE flavor is always on the list, right?
F* yeah.
too much is the right amount.
don't settle for less.
the filling, tho.
that's the other half of the whole point.
those berries were essentially passive in preparation,
which was pretty good news, since i had my hands full with that dough...
12 oz of frozen raspies;
1/4 cup sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp lemon extract;
1 tsp almond extract;
1 T lemon zest;
2 T cornstarch-
heated up, on the low, until it all married together,
and thickened up slightly.
that's it.
allowed to cool, and spread out inside the crust.
you could make that happen in your sleep!
so, make that happen.
it's good for you.
baked at 415℉, for 25ish minutes....
listen kids, if you don't know what a sexxxy golden crust looks like,
i don't think we can hang out anymore-
bake it until it looks like it's supposed to....
you feel me?
when it's all crisp and luscious, it's ready.
i'd also strongly suggest you let it cool,
or that slippery butterbomb will slop around and bum you out.
with a little patience,
you'll have a great reward awaiting your whole heart, and your mouth,
and your soul or some sh!t like that, if you believe in that.
june is FULL of dudes.
i mean,
at work.
and here's the catch.
dudes generally want bigger, cooler tattoos....
they lose points for conversation,
and for curb appeal,
and for referrals,
and for general interest.
i've got a LOT of cool tattoos to do,
on dudes,
which, in the best case scenario, will ganer me a whole massive mess of movie checks,
and perhaps impress upon other dudes they should come by and get more of all of that.
except, dudes. tho.
there's a maybe one:eleven chance  of a good time,
and a 0% chance of my natural infinite nature working wonders on their sentiments
while i use my monster-sized strangler's hands to work my magic on their skin.
....terrible, like i said.
i AM grateful for the time and the space and the opportunities i have been given,
and for the relative comfort that my discomfort provides.
(trust me, that makes sense)
like one of my confidants told me yesterday-
he wishes i was way dumber,
because the i might be happier with less,
if only for my lack of awareness that it's not enough.
that's a hard style,
but i'm comforted knowing that knowing the difference holds a higher weighted value
than accepting less than too much with a happy heart.
good is good, guys,
but bad is everything else;
never quiet, never soft.....

No comments: