Tuesday, May 30


sunday was national burger day.
that's a thing.
and, while beef can remmain on the hoof forever, as far as i'm concerned,
there IS something very moving about a great, big, tasty burger.
and i'm not one to want to miss out on a burly, bountiful, beautiful sandwich....
you know i love the sandwiches.
and if i'm gonna stunt on some burger-time,
i'm gonna stunt especially hard, like a plant-based barbarian conqueror.
word the F* up.
check the teleport:

no, but, for real, tho.
get right on up in there and look closer:

double decker domination is the name of the game, guys.
and just for scale,
take another 'nother other look,
with my massive monsterman hand holding this heavy hunk of new hottness:

i was so full i sort of hated myself,
but it was so tasty i definitely loved every minute.
that's real.
the bun was one of my custom jauns from saturday's crucial bbq,
toasted up, with butterish, again.
...because there's no real reason to believe in too much of a good thing.
too much is the right amount, in fact,
especially if it's something good.
classic topping time was in effect, neighbors.
lettuce- both red and green leafy varieties;
and tomato- the fattest, most massive hothouse gargantuan i could find;
and shaved red onion,
because the L and the T need that big O to complete the look;
there are pickles, because rules is rules,
and sandwiches are sexxxier with pickles;
then we took a detour through veganville,
and freaked it off with a couple non-traditional additions....
hummus, because it's dope.
pea tendrils because they're super-nutritious and good for you,
and also because they look cool;
and avo-effing-cado, too!!
that's right.
avocado is integral to the smoothness and the squishiness
of a superlatively supple sarnie 'sperience.
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t when it's national burger day, bro.
what're the burgers?
oh, MAN.
i'm excited to tell you about these jauns.
red bean and seitan firminators!!!!!
damn, kid, i did a thing, and i did it like i was trying to win a prize.
i guess i kind of did, because those circles of pure sexxxiness rocked my whole wide world.
real talk.
here's the low down, for your face:
1 cup of seitan, absolutely destroyed in a food processor,
until it looks just like store-bought veggie crOmbles-
sauteed in light oil until barely browned, and added to:
1 cup crushed red beans;
1/4 cup chick pea flour;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 tsp pink salt;
1 T starch-based egg-replacer;
2 T nutritional yeast
GPOP, cayenne, black pepper, smoked paprika;
plus, pinches of cumin, sage, and ground mustard-
with 2 T ground flaxmeal/chia blend, plus 3 T hot water,
and 3 big glugs of olive oil.
when you squish it all up, together,
and give all those binders a chance to tie the whole shootin' match up nice and tight?
you get the hones-to-goodness super-expert TRUTH, son.
i mean it.
i made and baked four big burgers, at some undetermined preheat temperatures,
while i also had the fries rising to crispy doneness in an oven climbing towards 450℉.
fun fact:
i just toss the fries, in this case, the spicy jammers, right in the oven
while it's getting hot.
by the time it gets to the right place on the thermometer, they're ready.
who the heck waits around for an oven to be ready for fries?!
not me, bro. not even once.
i gave those burglies about 10 minutes in there, coated with olive oil on top,
and then pan seared the outsides on a skillet,
for ultimate textural diversity.
crispish, thiqqq as heck, burly, beefy, and damned delicious.
national burger day was a plant-based, cruelty and murder-free achievement,
and it was all ready in well under an hour.
nobody has to get killed to make a good sandwich,.
don't be an A*-hole your whole life,
maybe try some alternatives to being mean to those dummyhead cows an' sh!t.
i'm just throwing the suggestion out there,
for y'all to consider it, or not.
it's unseasonably cold,
it's unenjoyably rainy,
it's underimpressive here in the woodsly goodness at the moment,
and that's being very kind.
flowers are blooming, doing their best to act in accordance with the passage of time,
and the availability of light.....
(they're definitely watered enough)
but it's cold, and gray more often than it's tight and bright, warm, and sunny.
as if the events of each day weren't dreary enough,
the weather surrounds us in similar fashion.
it IS all really happening, and that's somethin', i guess.
the idea that there is always a fight,
that's what i wonder about.
why's it gotta be like that?
i must like it, right?
the striving and vying and intentional endurance of unenviable conditions?
i have a job that should be cooler,
i work so much i should be wealthier,
and still, i let it choke me....
the unspoken, the whispered, and even the out-loud yelled frustrations
of living like a weirdie hermit on the edges of a community i still do not understand;
to give succor and sustenance to the very people who seek to undo and destroy
the self-possessed purpose i pursue,
while literally sucking down the dollars and the donuts that i produce,
is a very grim prospect, indeed.
i'm speaking specifically of the working world,
and the predicament of responsible adulthood, with all it's expenses and burdens,
in the face of desires and dreams that collect dust in my mind,
while i get older and older fighting for the next step....
does that make sense?
how about this?
i have the coolest job, yet i'm so unfulfilled.
i remit an heroic hunk of my wages,
earned by executing bad ideas on worse people,.
and taxation without representation isn't cool, buddy
with a huge infusion of time and money,
i could be out on my own,
doing all the things in all the ways i'm SURE will work better,
and develop into more soundly, solidly, and superbly-crafted results
without the interference of those less capable at the helm.
i have the best house, this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress;
but, it's in need of a huge infusion of time and money
to get back to it's former twentieth-century glory
on the register of historic manorly hottness-
i also have the best meals.
that one there's really no complaints about...
save maybe that i eat too much, and all alone, most nights.
the thing of it is,
to get more money, i use more time,
to get more time, the inverse is true,
and the catch?
there has to be BOTH , for the plan to work.
there is only a limited amount of either,
and i give samoan-sized swaths of each to people and places that do NOT appreciate it,
because the only other alternative,
at the moment, is to have much LESS of one or the other.
and that's a dumb play, in any game.
i'm cold and wet and and out the door,
ready for grudging dog-walkin' drudgery and trudging,
while crabtree trots and sniffs and pisses and generally remains awesome.
it's nice to have a happy friend,
but it sort of takes a lot on my part to keep him that way-
shoutouts to complaining, huh?
i've heard it keeps you healthy.
so, here's to good health over bad vibes and hard styles;
never quiet, never soft.....

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