Sunday, May 28


the cinnamonkey vs the rollbot, dudes!
F*ing awesomeness is right at your fingertips.
and if you have a stand mixer,
like, for example, if you're awesome, and smart,
and not effing around in the kitchen,
than you can whip this right up like a g-darn expert.
cinnamon sugary monkey bread is the awesome.
i hadn't thought of it, really, in ages.
i used to use *gasp* the pilsbury tube biscuits to make it,
like, twenty actual linear years ago,
well before i knew what it was like to NOT be a total  A*-hole.
decades later, i'm over here double-fisting a batch of devil's causeway hexagons,
crusted with cinna'sugs, and absolutely drenched in plant-based butter.

damn, dudes.
this was a good one.
a really good one.
a buttery soft sweet sexy swirl exxxplosion for my face, even.
yum, and double-yum, and also yumyumYUM.
i was trying for  pinecone pattern, but it went off on it's own and did a thing.
i'm super oka with the results tho.
i mean,
just LOOK at that tortuga shell of solid sexxxiness!
how many of those did i eat?
i'd rather not say,
as the number is synonymous with self-imposed body shaming.
i will go on record, though, affirming the incredible taste,
and texture,
of each and every bite.
you know you want some of this.
here's how you do it:
combine 3 cups flour;
1/2 cup salt;
1/4 cup sugar;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1 pkg commercial yeast;
1 cup warm non-dairy milk + 4 T melted butterish;
cooled enough to bloom 1 tsp bread-machine yeast,
with 1 1/2 tsp vanilla, to make it nicey-nice.
and use that stand mixer to beat it up util it form a smooth dough.
let it rise while your oven preheats to 375℉.
roll it out thin on a well-floured surface.
(i cut mine in two pieces first, to get thinner better sheets...)
and sprank it up with a generous dusting of cinnamon sugar.
(that's cinnamon and sugar, combined, for those of you who have traumatic brain injuries)
a few teaspooons of that, and a tight roll-up from end to end,
ten pieces per sheet,
stacked close together, on parchment,
in a 10" cast iron pan, is the way to set it up,
if you're setting it up for success, that is.
let that rise for another 'nother fifteen minutes.....
but only after you drizzle 3 T melted butterish all over and between them.
that's essential hottness activation, kiddo.
trust me.
and when they're all greased up?
sprankle MORE cinna'sugs on top!!!!
too much is the right amount, man.
get with it.
i baked it for twenty minutes,
removed it,
basted it with MORE butts,
dusted it with MORE sugar,
and gave it another 7 minutes for good measure.
i will be making this again.
...and again and again and again.
the meltiness and the sweetness and the happiness were all on point.
i went wild and ate a TON,
and i brought the rest to work, where it promptly disappeared.
that's always a good sign.
i think you'll be pleased if you make some,
so make some.
i'm still playing at catch up,
although i don't play when it comes to getting after it.
there are only so many hours to do all the things,
and making is better than documenting,
even if both are essential to my overall well-being.
true stories told truly, in their own due time, kids.
that's where i'm headed,
that's what we're sharing.
this is all that there is,
and sometimes, that's all you need;
never quiet, never soft.....

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