Friday, May 12


tarts on tarts on tarts!
that's what i want!
and also,
lots of fruit.
tons of it, even.
heaps of fruit.
...and frosting, too.
i like frosting.
guess what?
i've got the kind of clout to make that happen.
actually, there's no clout to speak of...
but i DO have the ingredients,
and that's more practically applicable anyway.
neighbors, i did it.
i really did.
check the teleport:

this is absolutely inspired by their nut-crust custard jaun,
just like the one i had on my twentieth berfday,
waaaaaay back when.
i did a few things differently, naturally-
making vegan stuff usually means you have to, anyway-
but i still did it, and i'm glad i did, because it tastes F*ing great.
that's graham flour shortbread for the crust!!!
you wanna make graham flour shortbread?
(*spoiler alert-
you just replace almost half of the flour in regular shortbread with graham flour)
1/2 cup butterish (1 stick);
1/2 cup graham flour;
2/3 cup a.p. flour;
1/3 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
dash of salt;
^in the food processor, i cut all that together until it was doughy,
and then i tucked it all around my tart pan with my stiff little fingers,
until i had it all nicey-nice and evenly distributed-
i baked it at 365℉ for thirteen minutes,
and let it cool completely, before i whipped up some
expert vegan vanil'lemon pastry creme!!!
1 1/4 cups non-dairy milk ( i used soy)
heated up on medium-high heat,
combined with a slurry (made in a blender) of:
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla bean paste;
2 T flour;
2 T cornstarch;
1/2 cup soymilk to emulsify it all...
you add the cold one to the hot one-
make sure you turn the heat up all the way at this point-
and whisk it for all your worth.
it'll thicken up fairly quickly.
when it begins to bubble up like a beige tar pit, it's ready.
remove that sh!t from the heat,
add 1/2 tsp vanilla extract and 1/2 tsp lemon extract,
and give it one last thorough swirl with your whisk.
let it cool 5ish minutes,
and pour it all into your prepared crust.
when THAT'S cooled to room temp,
slice up your fruits.
any fruits.
all the fruits.
keep in mind,
some fruit oxidizes and looks like pure sh!t.
lemon juice those ones, if you are determined to use 'em.
i prefer berries, personally.
they're just sorta nicer.
decorate the top however you see fit,
and then seal it up with a very special superpectin glaze!
3-4 T apricot jam
1-2 T lemon juice,
low heat, a small sauce pan, and constant stirring.
that's the recipe for success on your fruit sealant.
it keeps everything locked up, and also, makes it shiny.
how neat is that?
yeah...that's pretty neat.
i could've left it alone it this point.
maybe i should've left it alone at this point.
but, rules is rules, kids.
and too much IS the right amount.
that meant i was obliged to activate one last tier of tasty new hottness.
raspberry and orange frosting swirls are where it's at.
i had 'em, and i used 'em,
and everything was much improved by their presence at the periphery.
that's real.
i take my treats to eleven.
that's the right path to take.
my throwback semi-memory-based creme-fruit tart had me feelin' a certain kind of way.
that'show i was feelin'.
i like that.
it didn't last.
it never does.
my constant companion does his best to undermine my efforts at fulfilling feelings.
and he's reaaaaaalllly good at that.
somehow, at some point, despite my constant vigilance
crabtree ate some sort of plastic wrappers and bits.
and as usual, they ravaged his poor stoopid bellyhole,
so that he puked and pooped a country mile of  filth, bile, plastic, and pulp,
all throughout his crate, out the grates, and onto the floor.
it was a prison of golgothan effluvium, which seems terrible to sit in-
it was also one of his own making.
and also, this is nowhere near to being the first time.
guess who spent some not inconsiderable time mucking the stall, so to speak?
i didn't even eat dinner, i was so repulsed by the situation,
and also,
i was /am very worried that his competitive shark-gluttony
will perhaps be the literal death of him.
.......and i'm also grossed out by diarrhea.
if you're not grossed out by diarrhea?
i don't know why you are not.
it's gross, bro.
for real.
it's all really happening, folks.
the sweetest tarts, the sourest sh!t soup.
ups, downs, highs, lows, brights and shadows.
this is it.
never quiet, never soft.....

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