Monday, May 29


i want to eat ALLLLL the plant-based big action.
that's a true statement.
i had some sandwich plans for myself that started simmering in my skull
while i was on my way back home from my old home in connecticut last week.
a good sarnie is a wonderful highlight to any day's mealplan.
no joke.
and while i sure do like to munch up on the big action,
i really, really like to overdo the biggest action even MORE.
too much is the right amount.
you know that's the style i rep the hardest, neighbors.
and when i get it into my head to dominate a crucial BBQ sandwich,
ain't nothin' and not nobody gonna get in my way.
word up.
check the teleport:

that big-daddy-sized megabun?
the shredded sitan?
heck yeah!
the pickled onions?
wordimus prime.
the mutha-'ucking SAUCE?!?
you know it.
this one brought the kaboom-boomfire to the party.
we'll start with the bread-
preheat your oven to 400℉
in your stand mixer.....did you get it? you got it! now use it!!
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/4 cup wheat bran;
1 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
3 T olive oil;
1 pkg yeast;
1 cup warm water;
1 tsp bread-machine yeast;
1 tsp agave-
knead it with the mixer, and the dough hook, and the power!
rest it for thirty.
divide it into thirds, (or whatever)
i wanted massive cheeky buns for myself, so thirds it had to be...
if you;re feeling expert,
add a little olive oil and cracked black pepper sprankles on the tops,
give 'em a slice or two, let 'em rise for another 15-20,
and then bake those babies for 22 minutes.
that's that.
big buns for big 'guinis.
i toasted mine with a bit of butter, and then the sarnie saga began in earnest.
the seitan is my custom stuff,
and sauteed with a splash fo oil and a little onion, until it's beginning to brown,
at which point it's very necessary to add in a crucial barbecue SAUCE.
for those who don't know,
if it isn't crucial, it's just a piece of sh!t.
...adjust your plans accordingly.
here's my take on it.
it's homemade,
hey man, look, you should feel free to activate the jar sauce,
but also, you should be prepared to be openly judged as a slackass diaperturd.
real talk.
1 6 oz.can tomato paste;
1/4 cup agave syrup;
2 tsp raw sugar;
1/4 cup white vinegar;
1 tsp ea. GPOP, black pepper, ground mustard, basil, thyme
1/2 tsp cumin;
2 tsp smoked paprika;
1 dash liquid smoke;
2 tsp soy sauce;
4 T seitan broth (or water, or whatever, man, don't worry, it just needs the wet)
-on medium-low heat, let that simmer around, until it's all thickened,
and darkened, and aromatic in all the most tangy and spicy ways.
it's spoonfuls of this expertism that're gonna caramelize on the seitan,
and make it sexxxy...
then, when it's all coated.  add another 'nother tablspoonful,
or two,
depending on how wet you like your pulled-style barbecution,
and get that sh!t ready for sandwich activation.
the pickled onions were especially delicious this time around-
one red onion, shredded, and enough cider vinegar to barely cover it,
with celery, mustard, coriander seeds,
crushed red pepper, and black pepper,
salt, sugar, and a little baby boil for just a few minutes was all it took,
but their addition was integral to my enjoyment.
the assembly was tight and tilty and totally awesome.
big pickles.
arugula, for that sharp bright bite.
red onions, for savory, slippery smoothness.
barbecutie-pie unporkish pulled protein, with molto sauce.
cool, crunchy, crisp slaw-
purple and green cabbage, pea shoots, cilantro, yellow carrot, radish,
and a little bit of scallion, with a splash of lime, a dash of salt, and a slap of vegenaise.
and then, because rules is rules,
even MORE crucial sauce on the top bun.
i even had those little baby dill pickles on hand,
just in case i needed exxxtra bites.
(and i did)
that little cucumber salad was a nice touch,
and also, it was mostly overkill.
...with the extra slaw, and the salad, and that 7" bun,
i was full to bursting, and fit to wallow in a sty.
my appetite is going to kill me eventually.
i s'pose i can live with that,
but only in an oxymoronic sense.
i'm still a whole day behind in my true life meals and ordeals,
but i'll bet i can catch up if i really wake up early tomorrow.
it's all really happening,
more than i can recount in a reasonable amount of time, even.
i do think that's a good thing,
as livin' should always be greater than relivin';
never quiet, never soft.....
i AM working today, 
just like every day... 
so all you 3-day weekenders should totally complain about how lame it is 
that you're going back to work tomorrow, 
because i SO sorely would love to hear all about it.

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