i made the sh!t outta some indian food.
it took all the pots,
and the oven,
just a little ingenuity,
most of the spices,
and my ridiculous appetite,
plus a whole mess of patience.
i don't even know why i do this.
why not just make one really good thing,
instead of making a gigantic mess and a humongous mountain of dishes,
just to be the same level of stuffed to the brim
as if i'd simply made more rice?
i mean, really.
why's it always gotta be the hard way?
i just remembered something.
only diapery doo-doo babies wimp out when faced with a big idea,
because too much is the right amount,
and taking it easy is F*ing lame.
i WANT the big deluxxxe,
and it's not gonna happen if i'm taking it easy.
what am i?
except for how i brought the thunder and lightning to my stovetop,
and blasted out a big ol' barbarian batch of curried vegetables and stuff,
in several styles.
check the mutha-'ucking teleport:
INDIAN MAY DAY SUPER DOPENESS!!
what even IS all that?
for starters, there's basmati rice.
rules is rules, man.
and that's the first rule of indian food.
y'need the rice.
it's a good idea to have a little bread, too.
that's black peppery paratha cut up in the bottom right corner.
pan-fried bread is good, buddy.
and it's got, like, the least ingredients in it.
1/3 cup flour;
pinch of salt;
1 tsp fresh-ground pepper;
1 T melted butterish;
2 T hot water.
plus a HOT as heck pan and one flip.
then it's ready and you're done with the bread portion of the program.
but, you're not DONE.
take a closer look:
c'mon, man. that's what's up.
but, for real though,
what even IS all that?
i'm going to tell you:
that's rainbow potatoes, parboiled,
and added to a butter-fried batch of onion, garlic, chilis,
and so many spices, toasted up.
like, cumin, turmeric, cinnamon, nutmeg, cardamom,
ginger, paprika, coriander, cayenne, fenugreek, and asafoetida-
all of that!
added into a tomato base,
with green peas rolling around in abundance,
and little green onion sprankle garnish.
that's half a cup of red lentils, with diced carrot, celery leaves, onion, garlic,
and a cup and a half of broth,
with exxxtra GPOP, some ho'sauce, a splash of lemon juice,
and a TON of cracked black pepper,
it cooks the fastest, gets the softest, and flows the smoothest.
oh, yeah, and with those cilantro sprankles?
it's crazy delicious.
that's no joke.
cauliflower and spinach?
first you toast up a huge spice payload, with onion and jalapeno,
in vegan butter, which is basically the consistency of clarified butter anyway.
heavy on the turmeric, with celery seeds and mustard seeds,
cumin, of course, GPOP, and a dash of mace,
ginger, a tiny dust of cinnamon,
mustard powder, coriander, etc etc etc........
spices are awesome,
spices are where all the secret magic is contained.
they're spell components, basically.
roll about 2 cups of cauliflower around in that spicy butter,
add some seitan broth, and another 2 cups of baby spinach.
it's almost easy.
the real star, though?
spice-fried and clay-cloche baked tandoori seitan.
check it out:
salty, lemony, and so spicy!
i mean, peep game on that glazed hottness right there.
butter and oil, to sear it.
and hot paprika, smoked paprika, GPOP,
coriander, anise, turmeric, cumin, mustard, and a little tiny bit of agave,
with a splash of seitan broth to deglaze the pan.
a little red onion to seep the juicy juices out and around those steaks.
all of that, plus a 375°F oven, and a terracotta cloche,
for about twenty minutes post fry-up.
on the ones,
IT LOOKS HALF AS GOOD AS IT TASTES,
and it also looks twice as dope as anything else.
where're the specific recipes?
you aren't gonna make it.
so who are we kidding?
i gave out as much info as anybody needs to know if they want to make something like it.
it either looks and sounds good, or it doesn't.
i overdid it.
and i ate it all.
i guess that's my problem, neighbors-
i will NOT take it easy.
but i will take it eleven-
that makes for a lot of dishes to do,
and each one is a trophy.
a testament to triumph over moderation.
i only believe in overdoing it.
i'm skeptical and suspicious of anything less;
never quiet, never soft.....