Tuesday, May 2


i had to do it.
for breakfast, i mean, i had to do a thing.
i asked my daughter maple what i should have,
and she said 'like, really good muffins'.
that's a good idea,
and lucky for me, i know how to make that happen.
i fired up some MAY DAY morning muffins.
that's right.
a tasty little somethin' somethin' to start off the new month,
made with love,
and a few of my preferred ingredients.
it was cold and rainy all damned day yesterday.
and when you know you're gonna be out in the mud
marching and slogging and slippin' and soakin' with a wily, wild, white ghost dog,
y'gotta at least have a little snackie-snack to mitigate the chill and the damp
and the generally unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds you on your travels.
what's my favorite part of every day?
eating food.
what's crabtree's favorite part?
...the exact same thing.
the big difference is that he's pretty excited to eat a nearly identical meal every single day.
i wouldn't do that to my little dude, though, so i find ways to freak it off for him-
i mean, he's my homeboy, and i'm not trying to slack on our interactions....
in the mornings, we share a banana,
because we are F*ing adorable.
he gets an assortment of multi-flavored cookies and biscuits and treats-
then again,
he'll also eat wild animal sh!t with reckless abandon,
if he can scoople it before i notice while we trek through these flippin' woods,
so it's not as if he needs some serious gourmet hottness,
the little maniac also gets too hyped up over a chilled peanut buttery chew toy action.
i've never been as excited as he is.
he's sorta simple like that,
whereas i crave something slightly more sophisticated.
like really good muffins.
i love my dog.
a LOT.
but enough of this dog talk.
let's check the r.g.m.-type teleport:

that's the way to begin the month like you mean it.
they're springy and soft and buttery and sweet and fruity and expert.
how'd i do it?
that's simple.
i did it like this:
in a stand mixer, combine and whip together-
1/2 cup sugar;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1 stick vegan butts;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
when that's all one brown mudpuddle,
add 3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut;
1/2 cup fresh coarse ground coconut;
now, you've got paste,
but you need batter-
so add:
2 cups flour;
2 T cornstarch;
1 1/4 cup crushed dried strawberries;
2 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup + 3 T non-dairy milk (coconut drinking milk, in this instance)
whip it reeeeeeallllll good,
and add it by the spoonful to greased muffin tins.
i got a dozen regular-sized, and twenty midi-muffz, too.
before i baked them, at 350°F, for thirty minutes,
i had to activate the tops, too though-
rules is rules.
i dropped some raw sugar sprankles on there.
then, i scattered a little MORE coconut to that.
but, then i remembered something verrry important-
too much is the right amount.
so i put the last of the crushed-up strawberries all over 'em, too.
i tattooed the heck out of a whole bunch of ladies yesterday.
i really do prefer that.
this region is a rough one for woke-A* dudes.
no. for real.
most of these dudes aren't fresh.
at least most women up here aren't getting the omega-level redneck tattoos
that their menfolk seem to insist on.
i'm not the good idea police, by any means, but i am a F*ing snob.
i feel the same way about tattoos as i do about food;
...keep that ugly stuff away from me.
luckily, it was all hearts and flowers all day long.
that's the best.
it almost didn't even matter how whack the weather was.
i'm sayin',
i was indoors, dry, and warm,
chatting and cracking jokes, dripping sarcasm and charm (debatably)
and making all the freehand tattoo magic i could muster on the fly.
i credit the muffins, honestly.
the little ones went down so easily
that i couldn't help but keep tuning them right on up.
good days are always welcome,
good tattoos on good clients with good muffins and good vibes?
the only way it could get any better would be if crabby was there with me,
hangin' out, and socially butterflyin' around the spot.
then all the best parts would be happening all at the same time;
never quiet, never soft.....

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