Monday, May 29


y'feel me?
flaked out, layered up, fruit-packed, chocolate-chipped wonderwedges!!!
that's real.
that's what's up.
that's a thing that i sometimes get into,
and whenever i do,
it's an impressive, expressive, exceptional breakfast scene here in the woodsly goodness.
check it out:

i'm psyched on scones, bro.
i love a good scone.
i mean, c'mon, you've had an overly dry one before, and that's no fun.
y'ever have one that's so bland that while chewing you just feel dead inside?
i have done,
and i sincerely hope to enliven and revive all your internals with MY version.
...that's because i'm inherently a good person,
trying to do my best at becoming expressly expert with all my interactions,
as i travel to and fro, throughout the wider waking world.
dudes, that definitely includes scones.
no joke.
how can you walk around being awesome all day if you began it
with a bad butt-A* brekkie?
you CAN'T, man, that's why i'm over here cultivating improved sconage for your face.
first the scones get better and better,
then your attitude,
then your actions,
and before very long at all has passed,
those exxxtra minutes i spent adding layer upon layer to my biscuits
have elevated the human condition a peg or two on the expertism chart.
doesn't that sound kind of....well, kind of F*ing great?
i think so.
and so i'm sconing up on my treats, and honing in on the answers,
and bearing down on the dough, time and again, to get the compressed success i crave.
oh, yes, i am.
these jauns were a variation on my usual tried-and-true morning glory,
and i really have to say: i'm pleased with the results.
try it for yourself, and maybe you'll agree-
preheat the oven to 420℉
cut the following all together in a medium bowl:
1 stick vegan butterish;
4 T vegan creamchee';
1/2 tsp salt;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup coarse-ground flake coconut;
3 cups flour (i couldn't care less what combination you use,
but i repped 1 cup spelt as well as 2 of wheat)
4 T tapioca;
2 1/2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda-
once combined, into a crumbly dryish mixture,
3/4 cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk;
1/2 cup raisins;
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips;
1/2 cup chopped dried cranberries;
1 1/2 tsp vanilla-
stir it until it's very loosely a crumbly dough,
then get your hands dirty, buddy.
fold, turn, fold, turn, flip, fold, turn, flip, fold, flip, turn, etc etc,
until all the dry stuff is stuck together,
and all the layers are stacked on stacks of stacked layers,
and the dough is lookin' molto righteous.
on a floured surface, pat and press it down to a roughly 1" thick circle,
and coat the top with raw sugar sprankles,
rules is rules, man,
and those spranks are essential to the process.
i cut a dozen thin triangles.
you could make them bigger, if you want less, but also more.
i personally prefer eating a TON of smaller ones,
instead of feeling slightly fatter eating two huge ones,
but that's just as you like.
baked for 25 minutes,
with half that time on the convection setting of this luxurious gas-powered firebox,
and i had the crustiest, flakiest, moist, lofty, buttery, pull-apart, sweet and lovely scones
anybody could've hoped to share.....
and share i did.
i'm good like that.
were they appreciated?
i know my clients were grateful, and enthusiastic,
whereas my co-workers helped themselves without eve so much as a thank you,
moreso in their own best interest,
a resealing of the container to maintain maxxximum freshness.
i'm just sayin', neighbors,
entitlement and expectation aren't pretty,
but ruining the treats for yourself and everyone else is downright ugly.
when you make yours,
make sure that if you share 'em,
you share 'em with folks who give a sh!t.
that'll leave a better aftertaste than any scone ever has or ever will.
gratitude and generosity.
i love those two things.
that's kick-A* lightning-striking viking virtue,
and if you don't have both,
you don't have a damned thing.
remember that, because it's a true story.
i'm lucky to have the time i do,
to do the things i do,
because the urges to create and destroy are all-consuming.
fortune smiles on me, in it's own thin-lipped smirking way.
i'll take it,
and i'll use it,
and i'll even maybe make more scones-
even better than these,
but possibly with a little passive-aggressive note on the box
to remind those unglamorous and ungrateful dirty dirts
to CLOSE THE F*ING LID, y'scuzzy scuzzers.
it's all really happening, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
weird as it might be,
ugly seems to be compulsory,
so i'm doing my damnedest to at least be good and ugly.
bad and ugly is not invited;
never quiet, never soft.....

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