Saturday, May 13


chocolate creme pie.
it's just that simple.
it's rich,
it's thick,
it's superturbo chocolaty,
and it's SMOOTH.
as an introduction to tofu, it's genius.
the silken stuff is virtually undetectable in a chocolate creme pie.
so, when that first bite gets munched, then a second and third,
and the ooh's and ahhh's begin?
yeah, that's right, dummy- you just ate tofu;
and you LIKED that sh!t.
no. no.
it's too late to take it back.
chocolate is good for you.
chocolate pie is great for you.
and when you add a few exxtras?
everything is right in the world until there isn't any more pie.
check the tofu-pioneer-type teleport:

i could eat a whole one of these in one shot.
like, in minutes, it'd be hiding inside my body...
my brain is aware of the multiple thousands of calories that reside
within the creamy dreaminess of that brown on brown roundie,
and won't allow that epic level of ingested irresponsibility to come to pass.
i mean,
there's a lot of sugar, and a ton of chocolate,
and no tofu intervention could ever make you call this healthy.
but dope?
you've GOTTA call it dope.
because it IS, bro.
and it's crazy simple to reproduce.
i mean it.
3/4 pkg graham crax;
1/2 pkg chocolate graham crax;
4 T oats;
4 T coconut, unsweetened flake;
3 T cacao nibs;
2 T sugar;
^pulverized in your trusty food processor,
or tediously crumbled and cut by hand,
until it's a coarse scree of debris-
combined, in a mixin' bowl, with:
3-4 T melted butterish;
1 tsp vanilla;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time,
and smooshed together with a spatula
until the whole mixture sticks together when squeezed.
the cacao nibs give it crunch!
the coconut and oats give it firm and solid body!!
the dual graham crackies just look cool as heck!!!
...that's important, too.
pressed in a pie pan, and baked at 350℉ for 11 minutes,
you've got yourself a solid foundation of fresh-to-deathly domination in full effect.
i like that sort of thing a whole bunch.
the filling is a snap:
1 block/pkg silken tofu, squeezed and pressed;
2 T arrowroot;
2 tsp vanilla;
pureed in the food processor,
and then again,
but with the addition of:
1 pkg melted chocolate chips;
3 T powdered sugar;
3 T non-dairy milk, to emulsify.
the warm chox and the cool 'fu and the binders all mix up together
into the expert vegan hottness we all adore-
and when spread in that crust, and allowed to chill,
y'know, so that the chocolate semi-solidifies,
while all the rest keeps it from actually hardening?
...and amazingly rich.
...and preposterously addictive.
here's the thing,though, guys:
too much is the right amount.
so i HAD to whisk up some chocolate frosting for the edges.
you don't need to, really, unless you're trying to do it right.
in that case rules is rules, and you'd better get on it immediately
and what better way to complete the circle, than by using the remaining crumble
to top it all off as a multifaceted sprankle exxxplosion?
i have ideas in there, and occasionally, they are good ideas.
my appetite has been tempered by the terrible terrier turd tempest i've come home to
the past few days.
have any of you ever tried to eat sharp weird plastic?
i mean,
i know dogs don't learn the way we do,
you'd think if you were guaranteed to ravage your innards every single time
you sought out and destroyed an overlarge piece of indigestible polymer shrapnel,
maybe (and i'm just tossing this out into the aether) you'd stop doing that?
seems reasonable, no?
not if you're crabtree.
he LOVES them, much more than he hates exploding his whole body,
although, the two are closely related.
i honestly can't overstate that i have NO idea where he finds this stuff.
i spend all day hovering over him, monitoring his infinite natural inclination
to devour all things.
he's like a dumber, less diabolical fenrir,
but, instead of tyr's hand,
it's plastic wrappers and containers.
so dumb.
the good news?
it's been weeks since my mishaps with clay heads,
and with a bit of paint, and several layers of weathering,
and some enamel nail polish,
i salvaged some of the bits,
and made a whole new thing.
all the time when i'm not cooking,
i'm still cooking up some magic.
i can't stand still.
and i couldn't allow one minute more time to elapse between
the last wicked wizardly wodengeist and the next....
is it the best i've ever made?
i dunno.
is it superfancy and completely unnecessary?
so i guess that's one step towards being the best.
i think he should be ready to unveil tomorrow,
so, if you like things that aren't edible,
but are still hand-crafted from scratch and homemade,
you may want to check back in and check it out;
never quiet, never soft.....

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