Sunday, May 14


today is their day here in the states.
and everybody had a mother at some point.
they freakin' make us inside them.
that's pretty cool.
if yours is around,
you should give her a call.
if you really like her, maybe pay her a visit,
if you really really like your ma,
take her to brunch.
those ladies LOVE a good brunch.
and if none of that is especially applicable,
for whatever reason,
maybe you might still give a little thought about how there'd be no you without her.
get on with your day.
i mean, c'mon.
pancakes are cool,
while mimosas are super F*ing lame,
and flowers are a probably nice touch,
but we've got other sh!t to do, dudes.
i know i do.
i just spent two hours in unseasonably chilly temperatures
(it's snowing, for real, 30 miles north of here)
in the driving rain,
walking my dog, who refused to get on with it.
he can't use logic, so he believes that being an A*-hole is the right choice,
which i wholeheartedly respect and agree with,
save for the fact that he was only punishing himself.
seriously, i had on a raincoat, man.
the thing is, i made a big brekkie for myself first.
i do that.
slightly better,
and more impressive, to my mind,
were the em-effin' strawberry shortcakes i had on saturday.
shorty cakes of sweet crumblebuttery layer after layer,
sandwiched and topped with sugary, syrupy strawb'ly sauce,
and an encouraging/discouraging coconut whipped cream.
check the teleport:

the strawberries were super simple:
cut 'em up.
blast 'em with pow-pow sugar,
wet 'em with a splih of lemon juice,
and activate the whole thing with a little pasty vanilla bean...
the cream was another matter.
i skimmed the fat from a semi-frozen full-fatty-boombattie can of coconut,
and combined it with a few scoops of powdered sugar,
added a tablespoon of solid-state coconut oil,
a dash of vanilla,
and this stuff called versawhip soy protein.
here's the thing-
i could've and should've checked the serving size, or process for that stuff,
or maybe even the expiration date on the package...
but nothing other than the name of the product was on the bag.
yeah, i know, the internet has the answer to everything,
but i was feeling confident.
i went for it, kids.
and at first, i was sure i was a super-genius.
it was the thickest, sexxxiest, most expert whippy whip-whip of
whipsmarty-pants power and loft and fluff.
too bad it had a little bit of a chemical taste.
the coconut was great, but the battery-lickin' aftershocks were NOT.
i think maybe i just used too much,
based on the normal operating ideals over here...
it had such a rewarding look to it, i figured i was a-ok.
then i tasted it.
and then, i made a bush-league mistake.
laughable, man.
i tried to fix it.
with more sugar and coconut.
so, after i ate the first two cakes,
the cream got reactivated. and immediately became a foamy pile of sh!t.
sorry, everybody who had some yesterday, but i saved you by denying you,
if you catch my drift.....
the biscuits were exceptional.
that's no joke.
preheat your oven to 450℉
in a medium bowl, combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/3 cup raw sugar;
1 stick vegan butter;
1 T baking kapowder;
1 tsp baking soda;
cut and blended into a chunky sandy crumble
3/4 cup non-dairy milk;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 T + 1 tsp lemon juice;
2 T maple syrup-
stir it togetherish,
then fold and turn, scone-style, over and over,
until it's all combined.
press it out flat, cover it with raw sugar sprankles,
and cut out ALL the circles.
i got 11 3' jauns.
dent the centers with a two-finger poke,
and arrange them on a tray so that the edges just barely almost touch.
bake those up for 15-18 minutes,
until they're golden delicious, and the smell rocks your socks from the other room.
you could totally make those right now if you wanted.
that's how easy it is.
i believe in you.
it's rainy.
it's sort of lonely.
i think my appointments all cancelled.
it's mother's day.
and i'm soaked and stuffed and seriously concerned about my dog's butthole.
turns out, it may take a day or two,
but rice and sweet potatoes will eventually plug it right up.
that meant all that waling got no results in terms of constitutional elimination.
i s'pose it happens,
but i hope the finale doesn't finally happen while i'm at work.
this is what my life is when it isn't revolving around food and work.
it's pure sh!t.
but, don;t worry, guys-
i only mean that literally;
never quiet, never soft.....

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