Tuesday, December 20


do you call 'em cinnamon buns?
or cinnamon rolls?
i find myself interchanging the terms to mean the same thing-
i used to bake each one in a muffin tin,
so that they individually got especially crispy on the outside.
these days, however,
i've found that the monkeybread approach,
with all the the packed-tight, tucked-in, swirled-up squish that keeps the centers
all sorts of soft and pull-apart gooey,
while the bottoms and tops get caramelized and crusty,
just seems to be a more rewarding way to produce righteous results.
are they rolls or buns?
i dunno!
call 'em whatever you want,
the nomenclature won't stop me from dominating a few too many too quickly.
that's the kind of fella i am, after all-
i doo-doo that goo-goo-type freaky-diki sh!t,
and the more ridiculous the add-ons and mix-ins, the better-
too much is the right amount, neighbors,
and i made the right amount...
check the teleport:

c'mon, man,
that's the new hottness for sure!
dried cranberry bits IN the dough,
and crushed almonds in the filling,
with more cranberries,
and more almonds,
all over the flippin' place.
on the ones,
it's a good thing i am motivated to make major moves early in the day,
or i might've missed out on all this good stuff...
my best ideas happen at 5 a.m.
this one was inspired by my man travis,
over @vegan_magic_time.
a good idea is a good idea,
and an upgraded bunroll recipe,
in the cast-iron, parchment-pape'd and ready to rock?,
that's about all the direction i require to emote like a maniac,
and chew the scenery with my melodramatic morning makery-
it's not doing it i believe in, bro-
it's OVERdoing it.
rules is rules.
here's how it all unfolded:
3 cups of flour (i did a 2:1 white to white whole wheat blend);
1 T wheat gluten;
1 pkg fast-moving yeast;
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp salt;
1 T ground golden flax;
1/2 cup +/- chopped ried cranberries;
a shake of cinnamon-
and then,
y'gotta add in the business:
1 cup of non-dairy milk;
w/ 1/2 stick melted vegan butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond extract;
2 tsp bread-machine yeast
^^ yeast has it'sown flavor, and it's good,
and it never hurts when moving quickly towards breakfast
to have more than you thought you'd need^^^
beat it up, preferably in a stand mixer, and let it rest for a hot 15 minutes.
your oven is at 375F if you know what's good for you.
while that's happening,
you're gonna want to do a couple thing-
add a pat of butter to a skillet,
toss in a handful of sliced almonds,
and when it starts to smell amazing>
splash 'em with a tsp of vanilla,
and then toss em into some powdered sugar-
that'll melt onto those slices and take 'em up a notch immediately.
also, in a mixing bowl, cream up:
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2+/- vegan butts;
1/2 cup sliced almonds;
cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger;
vanilla and almond extracts ( just a splish )-
that's the filling, friends.
when it's super creamy,
and the almonds have been crushed down smaller than my prospects for a bright future?
roll out that dough into a rectangle,
and spread that sh!t tip to tip and end to end....
i even threw in more chopped cranberries, about 1/2 cup?
rules is rules, after all.
roll it as evenly and tightly as you can,
adjusting the ends to keep the tips from becoming tunnels of terrible,
and then get your pan ready for the main event.
the parchment paper is key here, as i learned immediately.
get it crinkled into the iron, and take a minute to be excited
about how so very little sticky cleanup is coming your way.
cut your rolled cinnamony almondberry spiral swirl in half,
now cut each haf in half , and now, cut each of those in half-
eight beautiful big buns, bruh bruh.
that's the stuff.
after you arrange the pieces in the cast black skillet,
trim the paper,
and give 'em about thirty minutes to get used to their new home,
before they ride their new house right into that hot oven.
you're gonna wanna bake 'em for at least 30 minutes,
or until they're dark enough, and bubbly enough for your personal tastes......
from there,
you're most likely going to wait a little minute or ten,
and then glaze the tops with the icing, frosting, or sugar of your choice-
i used a tablespoon of vegan creamchee, with vanilla extract,
5T powdered sugar,
and just enough soymilk, gradually added, to make it a thick'quid,
and let it actually glaze the surface-
from there, i dropped more cranberries,
and of course, those candied almond sprankles.
holy sh!tballs, guys-
i took down three in a row before i even registered what being a fat-faced
shark-gluttonous ultyra-ingestigator was really all about.
there were eight,
i had five.
i am a F*ing pig,
but i hold no regrets about my decision/compulsion.
i finally caught something resembling the ghost of XImas past.
uh huh.
that or a cold.
they're very similar.
the thing is, a little holiday spirit is in the air,
and i'm letting it kindle the embers of my hibernating heart.
was it the prospect of lovely ladies that did it?
heck no.
it was the presents, man.
for realises,
i normally fixate all my fresh-to-deathly hallows on these ho-ho-hoes-
these hoes ain't loyal, man.
my kids, however, will be here, and that counts for a lot.
they may just be here for the gifts,
but that's more than i can say about those who have left behind
a missing stocking space on the mantle-
presents, tho.
crisp, sharp-edged metallic foil paper.
color-coordinated bows.
stacks on stacks on stacks.
that's what gives me the chimney tingles.
i've been over here worrying about shystie piles,
agonizing about post office deliveries,
stressing that the overall rpesenation would be lackluster,
by the time i got just half of the stuff wrapped up?
i realized i'd done it again.
i brought the boomfire to bear, big time.
and i haven't even stuffed a stocking yet.
turns out,
i just want my kids to have an expert time up here,
and that's all the inspiration i ever really need.
that's hardly a holiday miracle,
and it's a little late in the game to fully rally the reindeer for a full comeback,
but still,
it is a very welcome sensation, and i'm grateful for it.
i'll be seeing most of the rest of my family soon enough,
and there's something to be said for that, as well.
maybe some kind of the-end-of-a-christmas-carol,
goose-and-god-bless-us-every-one jauns are in the works?
could be.
it'd be really effin' weird for that many werewolves
to do much besides bite and howl,
but after a fashion,
i s'pose that IS a christmas carol.
it's ALL really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

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