today is the day,
or more accurately,
tonight is the night.
if you've been naughty, you're sure to get a thrashin',
...and if you've been very naughty,
you may just get carried off to HELL.
those germanic jauns rep a hard style, for sure-
and while the rest of the us worry about coal instead of cool stuff in our stockings.
the deutsche-speaking world knows that well in advance of Xmas,
the really realness gets poppin' tonight.
it's KRAMPUSNACHT, neighbors!!
santa's hairy hellspawn, tasked with spanking the baddies,
and also reportedly the son of hel, lady of the underworld,
and the monstrous grandson of loki,
from the oldschool norse pantheon
of powerhouse lightning-striking vengeful viking deities,
he managed to survive christianiies purge of all things pagan,
and somehow still bring the savage stormswept capricorn-faun-satyr severity
down on all the bad little boys and little girls!!
the horned skunk-ape was pope-proof,
and he's still revered and feared to this very day.
if you don't get down with krampus,
you're probably an A*-hole.
it's been decreed.
as for me?
i might've been requested to come out of retirement,
and produce an effigy of our dear sweet demonic duder.
you want some krampus?
i got you, b.
check the krampusnacht-type teleport:
if you're recalcitrant and naughty,
your butt belongs to him;
and you may even get carried off to hell for a year.
and that's after a whippin', a thrashin', and a pretty epic beatin'.
be good, for goodness' sake.
it's been a verrrrry long time.
a prolonged absence;
an estranged strangeness that's too long been left to languish;
a space i didn't even know needed filling,
but DAMN if i don't feel a whole heck of a lot better now that it's full-
y'know what i mean?
it's been seven years since the last time,
and that was waaaaay before y'all started tuning in for all this food.
back in the days when art makery surpassed cake bakery
as the prime ingredient of this open-letter to all interested parties.
here's what you might not know-
i didn't forget how to get fresh.
and i'm pretty happy to have proven that time and distance
have only made my approach a whole bunch better than before,
as previously unapplied skills have been practiced, and implemented,
to the benefit of the bigger picture-
after all this time,
the new-new hottness is substantially more expert than the old hottness.
...which was pretty hot for it's time, in my biased and unhumble opinion.
the thing is,
this right here makes me very psyched:
and i mean,
the cloven hoof, and the humanoid foot, because that's what he has,
on goatlike legs?
that's some sh!t.
the shackles are a borrowed technique from my foam-crafting costume skills-
the rest, well, oversized fleece-lined camp socks,
and a whole lotta wire, glue, paint, pins, faux hair,
and some little bitty tricky tricks make for a more effective effect.
the nail polish on the eyes and teeth to make them shinier and wetter-looking.
i'm pretty psyched to return to something i really loved doing,
and i'm feeling very lucky that somebody out there remembered me for it.
i'm grateful for the time i've been given, guys,
and i'm a little bit proud of this doll, too.
i did this.
from the sculpted polymer clay,
to the painted high-and-low lights,
the armature in the tail, and the foam-and fleece ears,
this is it-
santa sent this mutha-effer,
so take it up with him;
never quiet, never soft.....