Thursday, December 29


don't get it flipped, friends-
there's something called pizza tacos,
which i believe is pizza toppings inside a tortilla.
i'm sure that's good, but it sounds wet, and flimsy,
and just not strong enough to withstand the demands of my family
of furious shark gluttonous food critics.
i went the opposite direction,
and made taco pizzas.
i'm not sayin' it was inspired,
but if YOU were to say it, i s'pose i'd have to agree.
because we consumed a couple of expert vegan sorcerous circles
and the brought out the best in all of us.
that's no joke.
after a long day of tattooing the same tattoo, twice, (for realsies)
i came home and made the same sort of pizza, twice-
except only totally different,
also both equally F*ing delicious.
check the taco-tuesday-apizza-type teleport:

i love pizza and i love tacos and i don't always want to have to choose.
damn, it always makes me so psyched to munch up on a pie, neighbors.
i mean it.
and these jauns?
the semi-semolina dough only gets doper each time,
so the crusts always inspire me to greater feats of topping up.
1 1/2 cup a.p. flour
1 1/4 cup semolina flour
1 T salt
1 cup warm water + 1 T sugar + 1 T golden flaxmeal + 1 T yeast
2 T olive oil.
that's this most recent dough, yo.
it's enough for three pizzas.
i let it rise,
i punch it down,
i let it rise again,
i punch it down again,
i do NOT listen to chumbawumba,
i put it in the fridge,
i cut it into portions at least 8 hours later,
and i save 'em until needed.
we had a little salad.
so what?
lettuce and sh!t goes great with tacos.
take it easy.
that's what you're focused on?
get into the right frame of mind, man-
there's PIZZA to talk about.
on the bottom,
that's a pretty elite, but sorta traditional pizza.
cashew-garlic-tofu spreadable goodness is on the base layer;
a little salsa-style crushed tomato sauce
(just add cilantro and cayenne and lime, dudes);
after that,
it's a doubleheader of daiya chee', both cheddar and mozzarella,
spread evenly,
before all of that gets heaped up with homemade seitan asada-
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1/4 cup garbanzo flour
1/4 cup tapioca starch
lots of Garlic Powder Onion Powder
black pepper
2 T nutritional yeast
3/4 cup veggie broth
a splash of liquid smoke
2 T tamari
knead all that into a stickyish heavy dough,
and let it rest for a few.
a lot of folks shred it up at this point.
not me, though.
i slice mine into slabs-
as the larger the initial pieces you begin with are,
the more options for future activation i retain.
and those get SIMMERED in a big ol' pot of broth,
with liquid smoke and soy sauce,
a chunk of kombu, if you're a purist (i'm not at all)
and maybe even an onion if you're feeling crazy,
for about an hour-
i let mine cool off in that brownish bath, too, before reserving a quart of the liquid,
and packing up the 'steaks' for good stuff like asada-be-kidding me.
sliced strips of that seitan,
with oregano, and paprikas (all of them)
and GPOP, and galric, and sweet onion, and cayenne, and lime juice,
and black pepper, and coriander and cumin,
and lots of olive oil, and my steaky hottness was ready to 'za the eff out.
add on some black beans, a bunch of sweet baby bell pepper rings,
thin strands of sweet onion,
and a finisher, post-bake of cilantro sprankles???
word up.
that's the big action.
but that was just one half of the magic.
there's MORE.
there usually is.
i mean,
rules is rules.
and part two was even burlier, and thrice as heavy.
i mean it.
a base of nootch-boosted ho'sauce-activated refried beans.
then that doublechee' blend,
and a whole mess of tempeh taco crOmbles!
i had half a block of tempeh hanging out,
and a bunch of those black beans, too.
with a half a cup of those crushed tomatoes on hand,
and a quarter of that sweet onion still remaining,
i tossed all of that in a pot,
and let it stew up,
with a splash of malt vinegar,
and a splash or two of tamari,
a small scoople of bouillon,
GPOP, nootch, cumin, coriander, cayenne, and ho'sauce,
until all those little tempeh flecks were plump and pretty.
quartered grape tomatoes,
sliced black olives,
and a whole bunch of green oniony scallion spranx took it all up a tier,
and the level eleven loud fresh hardness
filled our F*ing faces with so much food!!!
instead of cooking all day, like i normally would,
harvest and maple and i went down to portland, maine,
and took down a heroic heaping mountain of vegan goodness.
i'll admit,
the time we span as a team
is better than baking a big ol' batch of bullsh!t all by my lonesome,
but it feels super weird to abandon my normally scheduled system of activities.
i mean, but like, really weird, though.
i survived,
and none of us is in any way worse off for the fun times
and family togetherness we shared all dang day from start to finish-
i didn't make nearly as many treats as i'd have liked to.
i guess that's a fair trade.
i'd much rather make memories than cake, anyway.
we have a good time, every time, when we get ourselves into a group.
i know just how lucky i am to have a couple of kids
who can stand to be around me for more than a minute or two.
i only hope i can continue to entertain and inspire them as the week wears on.
we're ringing in a new era, you nerds.
one great big child and two smaller big children,
and this mother-effing dog,
all doing what we do,
as expertly as we are able,
until our time is up.
there's a new year headed our way,
and we aim to ring it in at full volume;
never quiet, never soft.....

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