Friday, December 30


i get into the quasi-asian sensations.
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t when i think it's appropriate.
and when my dearest darlings are trapped inside on a super wintry
heavy-duty snow day?
what better time to warm it up with some fresh fattie-boombattie boomfire
for all our faces?
you know our style-
too much is the right amount.
and we got into it like we really meant some serious business last night.
check the teleport:

jasmine rice?
good usage of the homemade seitan?
purple cabbage, hidden just off frame?
the picture is worth a thousand words,
but purple and cabbage aren't two of them.
we persevered,
and we devoured a disgustingly delicious and dominant dosage of dumps
while we were at it.
that's riiiiiiight.
we activated,
we dominated,
we appreciated,
and were rewarded with sated appetites,
and warmer wishes for the impossibly powerful
stormy weather whaling away without our redoubt.
seitan strips, onion strips, and sesame oil-
sizzling away for a spell,
with a bit of GPOP and ginger tossed in got the party started.
then, the broccoli made it's appearance, and the whole of it was steamed just a tad,
with a liberal blast of seitan-stock, and a well sealed lid.
green brox are key.
y'don't want your veg turning olive drab and doo-doo buttery.
so, don't overdo it.
make sure the seitan is sufficiently browned first,
and the onions aren't all raw and suckie, too.
then brox, then broth, then steam, then sauce.
yeah man.
garlic sauce is the TRUTH.
and this one,
based on the garlic content, at least, must'be been brutally honest, too.
what's in it?
this is:
tamari, rice wine vinegar, agave, GPOP, ginger, coriander,
a drop of liquid smoke, black pepper, red pepper flakes,
ground mustard, sesame seeds, sesame oil (just a drip),
huge garlic slices, crushed garlic, and arrowroot, all slurried up,
and ready to thicken quickly at the very end of the road.
how much of all those things? man, c'mon.
eyeball it.
if you like it extra gingery, use more of that,
if you're alone, and nobody is coming to your makeout party,
go exxxtra heavy on the garlic,
if you're a spice-head, (but not like in dune) freak kit off with cayenne.
you got this.
i believe in you.
make me proud.
the rice, and seitan and brox and sauce were all set.
i even gave it a poopie little plop of microgreens, to kyooten it up.
yeah, you do.
as always, who stole the show?
those diaperloads of dopeness did.
every time they're around,
they always do that.
make your own dump skins-
1 cup flour;
1 1/4 cup brown rice flour;
a pinch of salt;
a little shakey-shake (>tsp) of xantham gum;
1 T of flax seeds;
1/2 cup hot water.
that's it.
knead it, rest it for five or ten,
roll it on a very heavily floured surface,
and cut out some 3-4" circles with whatever you've got handy for that purpose.
the filling in these particular tasties was made mostly by maple.
thanks, kid.
1/2 block of minced tofu;
1/2 small onion, diced so nicey nice;
1 little carrot, chopped into the tiniest bits;
sauteed in sesame oil,
seasoned with splashed of tamari and rice wine,
spritzes of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
1 clove of crushed garlic,
coriander and grated ginger,
plus about six shreddily chiffonaded brussels sprouts.
why is dumping up so F*ing good?!?!
i mean,
i sear mine for two minutes in hot hot oil,
and then splash 'em with liquid-
in this case the last of the seitan stock-
and steam the sh!t outta that whole pan until all the liquid is absorbed.
then, i give 'em a few more minutes flipped on either side,
to put that brownified fry-up to the skins, bro.
you love it,
we love it.
everybody who is any good loves it.
and if you don't love it?
you're not any good, obvioulsy.
rules is rules.
everything got fully-operational and totally activated with a little cilantro,
and a bunch of scallion sprankles.
that's dope.
and straight up,
we had ourselves a pretty good dippin' sauce too.
what's the deal with dippin' sauce?
you take all the stuff you like,
some wet stuff, some spicy stuff, some sweet stuff,
and you stir it all together.
then.....oh, i dunno,
maybe dip your dumps in it, dude?!
sauce it up like a saucy little boy.
it snowed a lot.
as in-
and the whole of this lovely forest realm is surely going to be stuffed,
from the toes to the nose,
with the biggest batchh of the b!tchbaggeriest babies from all points southerly
as the long weekend begins with feet of fresh powpow for all these d!ckturds
to slalom and gnar out on.
my least favorite portion wintertime in the woodsly goodness?
white people on vacation.
summertime folks are vastly different from the hordes of volvos and rovers
that take each turn at two miles per hour every twenty feet
from here to anywhere within an hour's drive.
i may not ever understand why people come here for all the winter hottness,
but remain shook and horrified by any display of winter weather.
on the real-
if you're terrified by the roads when four flakes fall?
just stay home until later, man-
i've actually got places to be,
and accounting for diapery waterbaby roadweaklings is not the warriors' way.
     dear white people-
                  maybe if you got tattooed more often,
                  i wouldn't mind you clogging up my town as much.
                  i can appreciate how complicated your coffee order is,
                  at the F*ing drive-thru, no less.
                  i'm also delighted by your kids always being in pajamas,
                  in public, at all hours of any and every day.
                  and by all means, carry on enjoying your innate sense of infinite
                  privilege on the roads and in restaurants and at every store
                  i happen to be shopping in...
                  but, please,
                  just once in a while,
                  maybe try using a directional signal a few seconds BEFORE
                  locking your breaks in a two-lane crossover surprise
                  outlet mall turn-in?
                  i don't actually want to drive up your tailpipe.
                  or not,
                  i mean, you are on vacation,
                  why be considerate in any way?
                                                                            thanks anyway,
                                                                                       your pal,
     it's so adorbs that you're watching frozen on four televisions in your car,
     instead of watching where you're going.
     smooches from me to you
dog walking is about to suck balls, y'all.
the snow is deeper than crabtree is tall.
and he's a great big baby about even a few inches.
i'm ready to trudge and plod like a yeti,
and if he isn't on board?
he's coming for the walk, even if it becomes a real drag,
figuratively, or literally.
thanks, ma nature.
you win again;
never quiet, never soft.....

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