Saturday, December 17


that deep d, dudes.
i got that.
oh, c'mon.
you know what i'm talkin' about, though-
thick as heck, taller than y'all,
and stacked with multiple levels of tasty new hottness for your face.
not everybody can hang out with the deep d-
that's a thing.
some folks just don't have the fortitude or physical prowess,
the appreciative openness to shark-gluttony,
or even just the ingestive capacity to consume the really-realness
that we have all come to know and love as the deep d.
if everybody was awesome, nobody would be....
so really,
let's all say thank you to the weak-sauce watery daperbabies
who can't hang out with our expert edible excellence,
because that just means there's MORE for those of us who came prepared
to get busy with the big action like a bunch of burly berserker battle-beasts.
that's right.
too much is the right amount,
and that's the only amount of deep d there even is, neighbors!!
i'm about it.
and it's about the best part of any mealtime.
check the teleport:

 i added a little cornmeal to the crust, to complete the grittiest,
butter-bombin' toothsome dough i've made in little minute, man.
it went like this:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1 1/2 cup semolina flour
1/4 cup cornmeal
4 T melted butterish
1 T salt
1 pkg fast-actin' no-dissolve commercial yeast
1 tsp sugar
1 T wheat gluten
1 1/2 cups warm water
2 tsp golden flaxmeal
2 tsp bread machine yeast (the refrigerated stuff)
a squirt of agave
^kneaded up,
and allowed to rise 2x, punched down,
refrigerated for 6-10 hours, divided,
and put back in the cold proof until needed.
in this case, the next day.....
i always butter the pan, and i always use a springform jaun.
because then i can get at the edges immediately out of the oven.
that's efficient.
this pizza right here, though, bro?
it's stacked up with alllllll the good things,
and it's about as cheesyish as it could be for all it's inherent veganism.
underchee' is on the bottom obvi.
them there's shredded baby kale.
on top of that, i layered daiya provolone circles,
which melt down into such stretchy strands that the cheesy pull is off the charts-
then, it was time for caramelized onions.
obvi, man.
rules is rules,. and that's where the flavor hangs out.
word up.
daiya mozzarella on top of that,
and then crushed tomatoes to make it look like a pizza.
from there,
the choice to fry up and lay down some homemade sausages was self-evident.
i mean,
y'gonna NOT be dope when the materials to do so are right there?
what are you?
an A*-hole?
sausages it is.
and custom homemade tofu mozzarella?
cashews, tofu, olive oil, nutritional yeast, soymilk, and GPOP,
pureed together to make a freshie-fresh melty mass of massively yummed-up stuff?
and then i kicked it into overdrive with chunky fried garlic sprankles,
and took it to eleven with fresh basil.
pizza should be an experience that's worth talking about.
if you can't get into it,
what're you even doing here?
you know i gotta bake a b!tch for about 30 minutes?
when it's super-buttery, and that sauce is wet to death,
and there are four chee's that need to get hit up with the highest heat-
it takes time, kid.
i'll wait.
i'm not about to let myself down.
the holiday is right here.
around the corner.
in a week, we'll all be sleeping with visions of sugarplums and sh!t.
maybe you're not into christmas.
that's cool, but your sh!t is SO weak.
i'm a self-admitted holiday-head.
i like 'em.
and look, man, maybe it's because you're not christian
that you can't hang out with christmas.
if you don't like that the holiday has nominal religious undertones?
jesus-heads stole the sh!t from barbarian pagan dudes,
who made it up based on recurring patterns of seasonal change an' that-
ALL holidays are fabricated to evoke a feeling,
semi-arbitrarily assigned to a timeline that marks the march of  the heavens.
and not the ones with cherubs, stoopidhead.
look around you-
if you're  a hater of the holiday, it is likely because you're doing it wrong.
presents are dope.
gift-giving is dope.
gift-getting is probably dope.
people you like are definitely dope.
people who like you are almost certainly dope, because of their excellent taste.
the only people who should have a bad time at christmas
are everybody who is super-religious.
i mean it.
regardless of which team you cheer for,
sports are F*ing lame.
i don't say merry christmas to everybody
but i DO acknowledge that it's christmas season.
it's kind of like how dudes up here in new hampshire rep the boston red sox.
because they're the most predominantly merchandised franchise in the area.
get it?
christmas has the best PR team.
sorry hannukah, the eight nights of hottness are cool,
(i mean, MORE is usually a guaranteed win in my book,)
but dreidels and chocolate gilt are sh!t gifts...
but, i'm just sayin'-
throughout the whole month of december,
i certainly don't keep christ in christmas.
that's obsolete technology.
but i DO keep the malcolm, sadat, racer, weapon, and DM' in XMAS.
get with the times, buddy.
also, i concentrate far more on the following day.
because after X marks the spot,
we turn it UP,
and then here comes XImas,
THAT'S the stuff.
professional appreciation of what you love!
good food!
and the woodstove crankin' out hot fire!
and those perfectly-presented presents!
woodsly goodsly wintry wonderlanding!!
there's no churching.
there's no kneeling.
there's certainly no baby jesus'ing.
call it whatever you want-
y'wanna say happy holidays,
because you are a tolerant and open-minded and considerate person?
make sure you still do a good job wrapping your gifts-
otherwise, you're still just a lazy buttface, man.
i think of it as a designated time to warm up, brighten these sh!t dark long nights,
show off, show up, show and tell,
and make the magic happen as the year ends,.
the cold dark bitter dreary dreadful doldrums have settled in up here.
it's damned frosty,
and we're all hunkering down as the natural world hibernates.
i'm wrapping up thoughtful little treats for my kids,
in well-appointed wraps and bows,
because i'm into it.
it's the closest thing to a communal feeling i get.
i'm doing what you are doing, perhaps.
unless of course,
you're a grinching, scroogey, humbuggering bastard-
and hey man,.
if that's your thing?
i hope it works out for you;
never quiet, never soft.....

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