Monday, December 19


candy canes!
that's the festive hook-topped sticks of wintry flavor
that fire up all the feels, buddy.
i mean it.
for the actual holiday of actual XImas,
or as y'all may know it, the day after christmas-
which we prefer to think of as: one louder than Xmas,
y'gotta get a couple canes of candy, man,
for that site-specific seasonally-appropriate cocoa-stirrin' atmosphere.
rules is rules,
and candy canes are mandatory.
but, of course, there's a catch-
in terms of life here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
and the practicalities of a woodsly goodsly second christmas,
or as the divorcees of the world call it,
round two of the competition....
not just ANY c-canes will suffice.
that's no joke.
for stuffin' stockings and decorating the boughs and what-have-yous,
i will accept nothing less than the exxxtra-sexxxy luxury jauns.
you know the ones-
off-white high-gloss thick and thin striped, jumbo rich red, deep green,
and brilliant  burgundy, gourmet ribbon-candy-style,
the kind that sometimes have a filling within the walls of that curved tubo.....
the expert ones that look molto amazing,
and kind of crackery in that wealthy, winter manor home kind of white people
white christmas fair isle sweaters and golden retrievers kind of way.
i know,
it's such an accurate description that you're a bit salty
at me and at yourself, because we all pictured exactly what i said.
ha ha ha, ho ho ho-
if i'm making a treat?
i want those bulk-packed dollar-dollar-store already-broken-more-often-than-not ones.
mint, obvi.
the fruit-flavored ones are F*ing gross,
and also mildly gay.
for real,
the fruitiest ones are also rainbow ones?!
gay candy canes are great in theory,
but in reality,
those rainbow candy canes are no bueno.
i mean, for real,
instead, in my treat-making mania,
i go for the cheap red-and-green color-coordinated sad-pack,
and i smash 'em all up right away.......
as that cane dust goes airborne in the atmosphere,
post-candy crush,
the holiday spirit takes hold,
the visions of sugarplums and other hallucinations let loose,
and then i make us all a merry mint chocolate creme pie.
check the teleport:

we sing all the time at the north pole.
we sing while we're making pies.
this pie got eaten about as quickly as any i've ever made.
in fact,
you may wanna \make one, and watch it disappear yourself.
if that's so,
the you'd do well to do this:
one pkg graham crax;
1/3 cup graham flour
1/4 cup cocoa
1/3 cup melted vegan butts
3-6 T non-dairy milk
2 tsp vanilla
3 T sugar
^ all the dry bits get crushed up in the food processor,
and the wets go in all together afterwards-
press the slightly-sticky, holds-together-when-you-squeeze-it mix
all a round a pie pan, and bake it at 350F for 11 minutes.
now you've got some awesomeness ready and waiting for all that's good,
and minty,
AND chocolaty,
which you should get busy making right away-
1 well-drained block of silken tofu;
1/4 cup cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp mint extract
2 candy canes
a pinch of salt
3 T tapioca
^^process all of that until smooth,
and add in:
1 pkg melted chocolate chips;
with 3 T nondairy milk to emulsify it;
and 1 tsp mint extract, and 1 tsp vanilla extract-
i believe that the double dose of extractives actually does taste different-
one dose as is, straight-up and strong,
the other buried within a chocolate prison, exposed to heat, and diffused,
altered enough to adjust the overall flavor for the better.
i mean, really,
we want more flavor, right?
once all of that is mixed together, and poured into that shell,
we let it cool off and solidify-
and then freak it off with all the exxxtra bells and whistles-
like those budget crushed candy cane sprankles,
and those little minty nonpareils, too.
i'm not one to shy away from frosting.
in fact, i'm kind of a big fan,
so i split a batch of chocolate-
2 cups powdered sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
1/3 cup vegan butts +/-
and liberal splashes of soymilk,
whipped into a frenzy,
plus crushed candy cane to make half mintified!!!!
that means double swirls of doubletime cocoa and peppermint magic.
too much is the right amount,
and i'm not trying to have anything less than the most.
to recap,
get the expensive candy canes if you love your peoples.
they're worth it, and they're worth it-
plus, they got molto flavors,
and they're molto big.
get the cheap busted ones for immediate ruining as an additive to treats,
and throw the F*ing terrible fruit ones away.
real talk,
if you come at me with other other candy flavored canes?
holy sh!t,
you will have a surprisingly large amount of karate chops coming your way.'ve been warned.
i listen to my body when it wants to do karate,
and swedish-fish-flavored Xmas hooks
tell my hands and feet to start going berserk.
don't do that.
because that's what poor people do,
and it isn't ever even funny ironically.
candy canes are no joke around here.
i think i might think about thinking about things a little too much-
which is of course another 'nother way of suggesting that i'm doing it
just the right amount;
never quiet, never soft.....

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