Tuesday, January 31


how about 'em?
how about 'em?
apples, man.
how about them apples?
personally, i'm all about apples.
i think they're great,
and i think they're a delicious doctor repellent,
and i think crabtree loves to munch up on the skins,
so everybody gets a treat around here.
to be fair,
it was just one large apple.
yesterday morning.
one large apple, cubed up, was all it took.
one large apple stole the flippin' show, bro.
check the teleport:

wordimus prime.
i did a different thing than the thing i usually do,
and i have to say,
it was dangerous!
oh. no, not in any real life-threatening sort of way-
just dangerous to my body mass index.
for real!!
i powered down so many of these little sexxxies.
i really did.
like, all day long-
three bites each,
crunch crunch crunch munch munch munch.
it was too easy, and too tasty, and since i took the whole box with me to work,
i had the hottness near to hand...
and i mean, c'mon-
when it's right there, tempting my whole face
i'd be a fool to pass up on all that hearty home-cooked scone-zone nourishment.
also, it was because of the apples.
would you like to know how to do it yourself?
ok, here it comes:
apple cinnamon oatmeal scones
1 stick (8T) vegan butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 2/3 cups flour;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup coarsemeal oat flour (i grind my own from thick rolled oats)
using a pastry cutter, chop all that fat into all that dry,
until it's a rough crumble of buttery bb's and not-yet-doughish.
y'gotta add in all the good stuff:
1/3 cup non-dairy yogurt;
2/3rds cup non-dairy milk +1 T lemon juice (whisked and rested);
1 tsp vanilla;
1 large peeled and cubed apple, tossed in 1 T cinnamon.
fold and turn and fold and turn, adding more flour if it gets too wet,
until you've got a slightly dense damascus of dopeness,
moist, but firm, and evenly mixed.
how many folds?
a LOT.
that's how those buttery flaky layers are formed, buddy.
on a floured surface, press the dough out flat, about an inch thick or so,
into a big ol' rectangle.
i cut mine lengthwise once,
so, that was two strips at roughly 4" x 12"
and then i took my slicey little knife and made little folksy triangles,
yielding 18 or so little scones.
those are baked for 20 minutes in a 420F oven.
...and be prepared,
because your whole house is about to get aromatic as a mutha-'ucker.
that's IT!
what's the rule about when we make treats?
too much is the right amount.
in this case, that called for two kinds of icing.
vanilla and cinnamon powdered sugary drizzle stripes!
a good morning treat can make a trying day bearable.
and believe me,
yesterday was very trying.
my first appointment went from a simple big black symbol
to a small half-black symbol,
with the added bonus of non-stop fidgeting and a near pass-out.
hey, it happens.
and that's nothing to be ashamed of....
but, a wave-riding line-chasing sweaty struggle,
at half the duration of the scheduled appointment
also meant just as much work for half the movie checks.
hey, that also happens sometimes,,. but it always eats sh!t.
later on, though, it got brutal.
my last appointment was a lovely older woman
experiencing a great loss in her life.
we started out attempting a tribute to recently deceased father,
as time moved forward, and she moved away from every single line,
and began repeating herself,
and becoming gradually less clothed,
it became pretty F*ing obvious that strange things were afoot.
you may or may not know this about me, but i don't eff with drugs or alcohol.
never have.
in fact, i HATE that stuff.
i hate being around it, i hate the smell of it,
i hate the culture that surrounds it,
i can't flippin' stand it.
not one bit.
just imagine how good a time i had,
being fondled and propositioned by a severely inebriated old lady.
ummmmmm, yeah.
how did that happen?
i guess if you hide vodka bottles in your boots,
and pound 'em, along with various colored pills, right when we begin,
it'll hit you like a crazy train after a very short time.
how do i know about the pills?
when she dumped her backpack out on the floor,
and began to search for MORE things to eat,
her aspirin bottle full of rainbow 'vitamins' was also dumped out,
take it easy, kids-
the tattoo was as done as it's ever going to be,
and we did what we could to console her epic crazytime,
being considerate of her condition and her loss-
but the real adventure was just beginning.
oh, yeah.
the full gambit, swearing, stumbling, topless dancing,
attempts at kissing me,
and our studio manager,
and a dervish whirl of clothes and tears and empty bottles....
one hundred percent of all the things that make me absolutely certain that
remaining drug free is the only way to be, for me,
it was ALL really happening.
i can say that i felt terrible for her.
and for me.
and for the weirdo who was with her.
oh, i forgot to mention the dude who sat silently, intervening not at all,
whilst this unfolded?
loss is a horrible experience for those unused to it.
i live with a sense of it every day,
so i can empathize,
and i think that helped keep the situation much calmer.
everybody else was pretty freaked out,
as always,
it's when things are the worst that i'm my absolute best.
that's right.
the worst is my natural element.
the point is,
i'm awfully glad i had scones.
that's all;
never quiet, never soft.....

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