Saturday, January 7


coconut butter cookies.
i told my client yesterday that's what i had on hand,
for treats for her and me,
for cookie friday,
for F*ing sandwich week.....
and guys,
can you believe she made the head-shake-barf-face?!?!?!
that's fight-type sh!t on my block, and we were in MY 'hood.
it took me a minute to swallow down the magma-level volcanic retort
coiled on the tip of my tongue,
and contain my immediate ire, bile, and vitriol towards her for her cookie rejection-
then i remembered something important-
up-here people, as in, the white mountainous, homogenous,
insulated working-class-white-people-populated community,
wherein all change is frowned upon at all times-
genuinely don't know there's more than one way to eat coconut.
i'm surrounded on all sides, for an hour in every direction,
by a big ol' batch of cultural luddites-
that white easter grass, the chewy, sh!tty suckballs grandma coconut,
gummy, and gross, and totally not ever invited to my makeout parties,
is ALL these dudes have ever even heard of.
sweetened coconut, in the floppy bag?!?!
that's what poor people do.
don't eff with that.
spend the extra dollar, and blow your mind out of your skull
with the superior taste and disarmingly toothsome texture of that
mystical wizard-type dried unsweetened coconut hottness.
don't be lame, and gross, and cheap.
your face deserves that good-good.
trust me.
i have nothing to gain by lying,
and you have everything to enjoy by trying one of these cookies-
yeah, i didn't forget what we started out talking about.
sandwich cremes, man.
rules is rules  
and sandwiches are what's on order.
check the teleport:

that sexxxy coconut flavor is what we savor,
and these baddies with their b!tchlike behavior,
are banned from all the treats table hereafter.
cookies are made like this:
preheat the oven to 375F
1 stick plus 3 T vegan butts;
1 cup plus 2 T sugar;
1 1/2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt.
2 cups flour;
1 tsp bakey powder;
1/2 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup + ground unsweetened medium flake dry coconut.
3-4 T coconut yogurt
stir in all the stuffs,
and add the yogurt to soften and moisten and melt it all together.
i always chill the dough for at least an hour,
and roll it out on a well-floured surface.
1/4" cookies, (about 4 dozen) were chopped and dropped,
which in turn made a few dozen sandwiches.
i baked those little ruffle-edged bros for 12 minutes,
and let 'em chilllllll out.
half were filled with strawberry jam, and chocolate frosting,
and spritzed up with a deep melted-chocolate-chip-style drizzle.
the other half got the remaining whoopie pie pastry creme,
and were dipped in chocolate,
plus, they got a few oreoish sprankles for good measure.
two kinds of the same cookies,
just to make sure y'all know i'm still livin' it every day.
too much is the right amount-
that's expert, right?
don't let your poor childhood,
fraught with the fragile limitations of a conventional
all-american narrow-view dietary upbringing ruin all this coconutty sweetness.
or do.
that's actually pretty much a-ok, too,
because that means more delicious cookies for me and my people.
the coconut lovers.
the ones in the know.
you know i killed that breakfast sandwich scene yesterday.
i have to.
that's a thing, and it's also MY thing,
and that's a couple of good things, for certain.
check the teleport:

sesame garlic hummus,
and an almost-everything bagel, buttered and toasted and dope.
that's real.
any chance to get ridiculous in one focused specific spot,.
and freak it off in as many different ways,
for as many different days,
as there are ideas, and meals, and bread, and things?
it's all really happening.
that's the whole point.
self-imposed, self-assured, self-congratulatory, selfish servings
of succulent sandwich everything.
there are far worse ways to eat one's way through an 8-day stretch;
never quiet, never soft.....

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