BUFFZZZZZ!!!!

buffalo girls go 'round the outside,
'round the outside,
'round the outside....
ok.
actually,
there are no girls in sight.
nope.
not anywhere, not at all,
not even one little tiny bit.
but,
there is a LOT of buffalo SAUCE.
and honestly,
i think i prefer that these days.
mmmhmmmm.
neighbors,
i still had three extra fat slabs of seitan still soaking from my last batch.
i did.
and i'm not the type to squander that sort of succulent sustenance.
no way.
so,
with the whole of the woodsly goodness absolutely shuttered up and shut away,
sequestered in front of screens where they all fixated and focused
on sunday sportsball suckery...
i figured that since i couldn't beat 'em,
and since the regional team was likely to win,
ensuring a serious surge of swollen-headed at-home
backseat benchwarming bravado and braggadocio,
i should at least try to summon some slight semblance of team spirit.
but, i mean, in the form of food.
yup.
vegan, considerate, compassionate, positive, and powerful,
yet, still slightly situationally appropriate to the stage as it was set.
guys,
what do suds-swillin' sports-turds love?
buffs.
uh-huh.
buffalo wings.
little baby arms and legs by the bushel.
so gross.
but,
buffalo seitan?
yeah!!
SO expert!
i fired up a platter,
and i think i did myself some creditable culinary concocting.
tell me what you think-
check the exploded-buff-style-sauce-masterpiece-type teleport:

BUFFZZZZZ!!!!!
sauteed in the sauce,
i quartered each steaky cut of seitan,
and took those dozen wedges straight to a medium hot pan,
where, after a brief moment of dry sizzlin',
i tossed in 2 tablespoons of vegan butter,
and two tablespoons of sriracha,
as well as hot paprika,
regular sweet red paprika,
Garlic Powder, Onion Powder,
black pepper, and crushed red pepper.
i let the butter dissolve, and bubble, and blend into all that spice,
coating the whole pan, and all the pieces in fresh-to-death fuego.
and then,
i turned it up.
yuuuuuuuup.
buff sauce is not for the lazy, the weak, the delicate, or the dietarily dutiful.
it's for real mofos who do real sh!t.
so, with buttery fire already in place,
i took it to eleven.
2 tablespoons of vegan mayo,
and an impossible dousing of louisiana ho'sauce, shake after shake,
so that the already red recipe became an orange glowing batch of seared sexxxiness.
i served it up over a slab of gently toasted, slightly buttery maple sourdough.
uh-huh.
bread is good for flame-mouth.
a little seitan-broth-blanched braised kale gave it some texture,
and then,
because rules is rules,
i had to give it the ol' celery sliver salad.
that's how it's done.
hmmm?
well, yeah,
OBviously i wasn't finished with it yet.
too much is the right amount.
there are red onion AND cilantro sprankles on top, too.
all in all, that's one epic feast.
in fact,
it's a heroic heap of hottness,
and it's about the slipperiest, sauciest seitan i've made in a minute.
but, that's not all, y'all-
spicy fries?
heck yes!
i love a seasoned cayenne and GPOP jaun.
potatoes are dope.
french style, they're even better.
i baked 'em,
but it didn't hurt anything.
i figured on consuming enough fat in that brutal buff business.
....and i was right.
but,
with a little cup of smoky ketchup, too?
c'mon.
presentation counts.
although,
if we're being honest,
i only dipped couple fries in there.
ketchup just isn't my thing.
i thought i'd give it another 'nother shot.
it so happens that while i can use it
to conceal my disappointment in an inferior fry,
these superior specimens were only diminished by it's application.
oh, well.
*
so,
like i mentioned,
i ate it all all alone.
no buffalo girls,
no syracuse girls,
no utica girls...
basically,
there were NO girls.
i should've made some ranch dressing.
that would've guaranteed a girl or two to come sniffing around.
they LOVE it.
ha.
c'mon.
and while the rest of new england was sh!tting it's pants
over the team they aren't on securing a spot in the superbowl,
i was doing the dishes,
and some sniffling,
as my cold wasn't as completely cured by the high-heat spice as i'd hoped for.
making food is good.
making good food is even better.
making the most of my time with crabtree,
in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
as time unfolds along the creases of a secret blueprint i'm not privvy to?
that's the best....that i've got to look forward to.
aww.
it's all really happening, kids.
the sauce is hot,
the temperature in here is too,
heck,
so is my fever.
i think you're s'posed to starve those?
no way.
i guess i'm just gonna be sick a little longer,
because i've got ideas for food i'm dying to try out.
now,
where're my hungry ladies at?
just kidding-
i'm not sharing;
never  quiet, never soft.....