Friday, January 20


it turns out that i'm kind of all about figs right now.
and at this very moment,
piles and heaps of dried calamyrna jauns are available at my favorite store.
(it's not a grocery store)
the specialty foods section of my spot has what i need, more often than not,
and also has what i didn't even know i wanted until i saw it.
that's how you know it's the spot, neighbors.
it's accidentally anticipating, and subtly steering,
some of my latest culinary adventures.
and my banana bread breakfast squares benefited from the interjection.
that's real.
figs and bananas go well together.
i just found that out as i munched up on these treats in the morning.
i figured they would, and i'm glad i was right,
or i'd be eating a dozen dour doses of doo-doo butter all by myself.
instead, i can share 'em, and spread the good word and good cheer
and good taste that i've uncovered.
how about you go ahead and check the teleport:

the only real downside is that as they baked,
the topmost ornamental figs sank in jusssst deep enough
to vaguely look a little like buttholes.
you see it too, now that i say it, right?
i hope so.
i mean, really,
i don't want to be the one who sees buttholes where there aren't any.
that's possibly the lamest conspiracy theorist stuff there is, y'know?
even if it looks a bit like a rectangular wrinkle dot,
they taste like the utmost in spongy soft burly barbarian banana breakfast business.
that's no joke.
they're delicious.
you wanna give 'em a shot?
here's all you've gotta do to make that happen:
1 cup light brown sugar;
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 vanilla bean, scraped;
1/2 tsp salt;
^moosh that up until it's all one thing,
mash in 3 riiiiiipe bananas;
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
stir it up until it's a slippery sauce,
and add:
2 cups flour (i used 1/5 cup oatflour 1 1/2 white flour... i love oats)
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakin' soda;
1 cup chopped fig bits,
plus fig halves for buttholification on top...
all of that becomes a spongy, wet, thick batter,
which is enough for at least a dozen muffins,
or squares, but, you're definitely gonna wanna grease 'em up first.
the trickiest thing about buhnaynayuunuus is that they eff with baking times
pretty flippin' hard.
at 350F,
these might take 25 minutes.
they might take 40.
bananas are delicious,
but they are tricky little A*holes in an oven.
the point is-
i'd check check them regularly after 20,
and when they look done?
c'mon, man...
that's when you do the right thing, doctor.
baking keeps me busy.
i'm already pretty F*ing busy all the damned time.
baking is something i choose to do because it's rewarding.
you already know this.
in the mornings,
before sun-up,
i'm stirring around with my dog.
he eats the same thing every day,
and he seems pretty excited about it.
me on the other hand, i need a little bit MORE than that to feel fulfilled.
so, i make it myself.
i mean, who else is going to?
i doubt the dog has the knowledge,
attention span, willpower, inclination,
or opposable thumbs to create a vegan muffin or whatever.
...which means it's all up to me.
why do i keep trying so hard to make new and better and different stuff?
because, man-
too much is the right amount.
and also,
enough of my day is a monotone meld of menial chores and responsibilities.
i do what i've gotta do for hours and hours,
so in the moments where there's options available?
yeah, neighbors,
i am obliged to make the most out of that.
i've got butthole figs and bananas, yeah,
but more importantly, i've got ideas.
that's right.
i'm certainly no genius.
i might even be kind of an idiot, really.
but i'm determined to keep doing what i do,
bigger and better and harder and faster and all that sort of stuff.
it's all really happening,
and i'd be a real jerk if i didn't utilize the time i've got
to do something that's worth a fig.
real talk;
never quiet, never soft.....

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