Thursday, April 27


shoutouts to sausages!
shoutouts to hot dogs!!
shoutouts to those street cart desires that are named PØLSE!
i'm gettin' tilty on some sausage dogs, duders.
check the teleport:

homemade sourdough dogg-bunzos!!
homemade sausage!!
house-pickled onions and radishes!!
homestyle root-pickle-curry remoulade SAUCE!!
veggies, mustard, and sprankles, too?!
wordimus prime.
if you ain't 'bout these big dirties,
you are messin' up,
missin' out,
and officially UNinvited, in perpetuity, from any and all future makeout parties.
there's a LOT to cover in this one,
and a LOT went into the creation of this meal,
despite it just being basically road-dogs.

homemade sausages??
you'd better believe it.
easy easy easy:
saute one small minced onion with two cloves whole garlic.
separate half the onion once caramelized,
and put it in a medium mixing bowl.
add the other half, and both browned cloves of garlic to your food processor,
along with:
one block firm semi-drained tofu;
3 T nutritional yeast (nootch);
3 shakes of liquid smoke;
3 shakes of soy sauce;
20 turns of fresh cracked black pepper;
3 full glugs of olive oil ;
1 T better-than-bouillon vegetable base (there really is no substitute)
pulse that until smooth as heck, scraping the edges as necessary,
and add it to the mixing bowl,
along with:
3/4 cup wheat gluten;
2 T garbanzo bean flour;
2 T tapioca starch;
and heavily spiced herbs such as:
2 tsp each- smoked paprika- Garlic Powder- Onion Powder;
1 tsp each-crushed fennel-sage-thyme-basil-paprika- crushed red pepper;
1/2 tsp each- ground mustard- crushed rosemary- parsley-fire-roasted tomato flakes.
mash ALLLLLL of that into one massive mushy mess,
and shape it up into the type of tubes you prefer.
big, small, fat, skinny, whatever.
i roll mine in aluminum foil, so i can twist the ends shut,
and keep the dough from overly expanding when it gets steamed.....
which is the next step.
25-45 minutes of hot steam should do the trick, duders.
from there?
i braised a batch of 'em in seitan broth, to keep 'em soft and hot and glistening.
otherwise, how dirty are your dogs, really?
word up
the bread was it's own expert ordeal.
i mean,
nobody wants a budget bun.
especially when you've got uberdoggs to munch up on.
y'feel me?
i took the time to make the magic,
and every moment was well worth the results.
here are the steps, so can create your own !
(adapted from chef john from allrecipes/foodwishes)
1 cup flour;
1/2 cup sourdough starter;
combine, cover, and let eat each other overnight.
in  your trust stand mixer,
add that slop to:
2 cups flour;
2 tsp salt;
3 T melted vegan butters;
1 T olive oil;
1 pkg active dry yeast;
2 1.2 tsp sugar dissolved in
1+ cup warm water.
beat that up for 5 minutes on high,
cover and let rise for 2 hours.
flatten out into a 1/2" thick rectangle on a floured surface.
cut into sixths (you can do eighths is you're just using premade doggs.
i chose bigger and better brats, so i needed fewer, larger buns)
turn them cut sides up and down, shape them roughly like buns,
arrange 'em 1/4" apart on a parchment-lined baking tray,
score the tops with your lame or serrated or other sharp knife,
 and then baste those b!tches with melted butterish, on all three exposed sides.
let them rise another 45 or so minutes,
then bake 'em for 25 minutes at 375͒F.
butter them one more time when they're hot, and you've got something so dope,.
your whole face will explode in the best possible way.
i trimmed the ends for presentation, and ate them for the taste sensation.
i may never buy buns again.
that's real.
the remoulade was no joke, either.
it's kind of like danish tartar sauce, from what i understand,
and this one specifically is kind of like THE TRUTH!
no jokes.
1 smallish peeled purple carrot;
1 similar-sized chunk of peeled parsnip;
1 proportionately portioned hunk of peeled celeriac;
a pickle bath of cider vinegar, sugar, thyme, salt, and black peppercorns,
brought to a boil,  combined with the veg, simmered for about 5 minutes,
turned off and allowed to cool.
the purple carrot turned orange, and the white tappies turned pink.
that's how you know they all had a flavor orgy, or something like that.
you can't get that close without getting the evidence on you-
meanwhile, we'll combine
1/4 cup vegan mayo (vegenaise or whatever)
with a dash of cinnamon, a dash of GPOP,
a 1/4 tsp cumin, a dash of coriander,
1/2 tsp turmeric, a dash of cayenne, a dash of dried ginger,
and a dash of ground mustard-
when the roots are cool, combine them all into a yellowish magical sorcerous sauce.
i promise this stuff will activate previously unexplored routes through your brain
which in turn unlock flavors and desires that can only serve to elevate
and improve your whole entire life.
and the pickled radish and shallot?
vinegar, sugar, mustard seeds, black peppercorns, water, and a littlelemon juice,
poured over the chopped bits and pieces and allowed to cool and turn pink an' that,.
but, but, but,
what about the fixin's??!?!
don;t worry, i got you, b-
are there minced cukes?
and they are SO cool, and crisp and good.
what about fresh radishes?
heck yes,
because they're sharp and spicy.
spears of baby dill pickle?
c'mon., what are you? an A*-hole?
OBVIously, i went long dills, because other pickled cukes are bullsh!t.
and, hold on, now, is that horseradish dijon mustard i see?
you betcha.
it's F*ing fantastic. and pungent. and refreshing!!
and also,
just because rules is rules,
and too much is the right amount,
and because danish doggies aren't jack sh!t without 'em:
fried crispy onion sprankles!
if you were to add fries, and slaw,
and ho'saucy smoked ketchup, too?
you'd probably be just about the luckiest girl or boy on the block.
i know i felt like i was the luckiest one,
and i had to make all that sh!t in order to enjoy it.
i'm glad i did too.
because radical expert compassionate passionate vegan feasts
are my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
so that's what's up.
the dirty dirties that you KNOW you love,
but wish weren't made out of buttholes and penises,
stuffed inside of buttholes, which are then shaped to resemble penises.
i can't hang out with that.
it's F*ing filthy!!
hotdogs are butt-nasty,
and sausages are, too.
which sucks, sorta, since they have all the flavor in 'em.
solutions abound, of course,
and my genital-and-sphincter-free homemade custom vegan tubes are the TRUTH.
they're 100% expert.
and that's real.
with all the exxxtras, upgrades, and activation i added?
they're the conscientious filthy street food alternative from the future.
i sure hope you're impressed;
never quiet, never soft.....


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