Sunday, April 30


pie is my favorite.
at least, it's my favorite whenever there's pie around.
here's the thing-
i can arrange it so there's always pie around.
and here's another thing-
i usually arrange it so there's always pie around.
i'm at the helm of this titanic undertaking....
making all this stuff from scratch, by hand, every day.
and when it's time for pie?
i'm ready.
i'm pysched.
and i'm going to forever eat a whole lot of it.
too much is the right amount, after all.
which might explain the superbraids i brought in to represent the hottness
on my most recent circle of sexxxiness.
apple pie is my favorite.
strawberries are the best berries.
apple-strawberry pie is therefore exxxactly what i needed
to come to terms with how under-impressive april was the whole damned time.
word up.
....also, that's what i made,
so that's what's happening, anyway.
take a good look at this bad mutha:

the crust game is superlative.
the apples are still firm, and molto chunky.
the strawberries are sweet, and soft and so smooth.
and all of it is activated with vanilla bean paste and sugary sprankles.
rules is rules, neighbors. know it.
do you like pie?
i hope so.
you're cooler when you're into the pie scene, for sure.
have you ever made my dough, though?
i think it's dope.
maybe you will, too-
here it is (again):

2 1/4 cups flour;
11 T vegan butts, very cold;
3-4 T vegan creamchee';
dash of salt;
2 T sugar (powdered makes it creamy- raw makes it flakier- regular just makes it sweet)
+ non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time,
while pulsing all the stuff in a food processor,
until it holds together in a clumpy crumbly mass.
wrap it and refrigerate it for, lie, a whole a day (but in reality, for at least 1 hour)
and roll it like you mean it....
the strawberries were simple, too-
3 T powdered sugar;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1 T cornstarch;
1 1/2 cups strawberries;
vanilla bean paste;
medium heat, and stirring, until the juices thickened up.
removed from the heat,
i let 'em cool enough to not ruin the braids by melting them pre-bake.
that's a thing.
buttery dough will soften to sh!t if your filling is hot.
don't do that.
or, if you do it, learn your lesson, and don't do it twice.
i also had four huge apples.
red ones.
what kind, specifically?
huge and red.
i told you.
...take it easy.
all of those, peeled, cored, and hacked to pieces,
made for a totally expert base to layer those berries atop.
real talk.
the strawberry juice trickled down,
and the apple sauce bubbled up,
and they met, fell in love, and rocked my socks off when i finally got a taste.
i stewed those apples to soften them-
with brown sugar;
real new hampshire maple syrup;
lemon juice;
vanilla bean paste;
a pinch of salt;
and a T of flour.......
no cinnamon.
that's right.
all the apple flavor, no cinnamon.
nor nutmeg.
not even ginger.
i'll tell you something else-
it tasted AMAZING.
braids on braids,
moth cutouts, because moths are dope,
and a little convection oven activation,
at 420° F, for twenty two minutes.
that sh!t is a F*ing TREAT!!!
the baked greats aren't getting lamer,
and i say that with pride.
sprankles, braids, cut-outs......
i just can't resist making the nice.
but, i'm really focused on the flavor.
i mean, if it tastes like sh!t,
all that pretty skin won't mean a damned thing.
it's been my firsthand experience, however,
that it's the exact opposite with people.
i know a whole bevvy of baddies who look fair, but feel foul,
but only if you've got eyes that see substance,
not just accessories.
i'm doing that thing that i do,
without the benefit of taking it easy,
or being easy on the eyes-
...heck, i'm not even easy on the ears.....
what i mean is-
i'm creating the very best things i can craft with my truest self.
you know the score:
stay ugly, stay dope.
there is no other option.
from the first thing in the morning,
to when-and-wherever i finally fall asleep,
i'm trying to be beautiful in all the ways that i can,
and to surpass all the super-official superficial ugliness in-between.
what do you think. kids?
if i had chiseled, rugged good looks,
would i try as hard to  take everything else to eleven?
i just honestly couldn't say.
luckily, i don't;
and therefore,
these pies and pastries are looking hella sexxxy instead;
never quiet, never soft.....

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