Friday, April 7


one luxurious bundt cake butthole ring coming right up.
it's a nice slice to have on hand.
a poundy bundt, i mean-
no, you stop it.
for real, though-
it's soft, and it's sweet, and it's thick, and it's smooth,
and all of that is invited to my cake party, for sure.
add in all the almonds, everywhere,
and see where that takes you.
(it takes you to eleven, obvi)
that's some rich-folks sh!t.
i used almond wherever  i could fit it,
and my cake styles were improved for it's inclusion.
no joke.
this one's a keeper for the archives.
and that's no joke.
check out the aesthetic, via teleport:

you want this in your face.
i mean it.
unless of course you have an allergy to tree nuts.
then, you'd probably better stay away,
because this feisty fanciness will eff you up.
here's how it's done:
cream together:
1 cup sugar;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick + 2 T vegan butterish;
almond extract;
once combined,
include 3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt-
whisk until everything is a sloppy messy mud.
add 3/4 cup almond meal;
1/3 cup crushed raw almonds (pulverized into the stage right before butter)
2 cups flour, sifted with 2 T cornstarch (shoutouts to cake flour);
2 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup almond milk
whip that all up on high speed,
in a mixer,
which by now you've purchased because you're a good person who loves good cake,
and you'd gotten tired of doing it the primitive way.
welcome to the future.
toss all of that into a greased and floured ring,
and bake it at 360 for 45 minutes, to maybe almost an hour.
you'll know when it's done because those tell-tale cracks will form in the crumby crust,
and the danger of vegan cake sinkage will be over.
it's F*ing tasty.
on the ones, it is fluffy-ish, but still a big baby buttery bomb of big action.
soft, moist, sophisticated.
this one was a winner from the jump.
and that icing?
powdered sugar and almond extract and vanilla,
plus lemon juice,
to give it jussssssst that expert little something exxxtra.
that's right.
i keep it wu-tang, sweet thang.
and toasted almond sprankles,
because too much is the right amount,
and i'd sure hate to take it easy on that big flavor.
a little goes a long way,
but a lot goes way farther.
that's good news,
because i'm taking cakes to the limits of taste.
no, not that kind of taste.
actual taste.
and besides,
the limit of good taste is wherever is right before fondant art cake.
i said it.
well, as a matter of fact, i'm an artist all day.
i appreciate a vast variety of mediums and applications of artistic style.
i can't stand cakes that look like racecars or whatever.
it's just poor person sh!t dressed in expensive clothes.
the limits of almond awesomess however may have been attained in
that beige ring of cakey hottness that in no way resembles a stack of presents,
or some cartoon character or whatever.
i have opinions, man.
i did a thing to my back,
and now i have chronic OML.
you know it?
it's also known in longhand as Old Man Leg, and it sucks.
sciatic pinchy pinches have me literally falling over on a useless appendage,
while it doesn't work worth a damn,
it sure does hurt a whole unholy helluva lot.
almost every person i've seen in the last two days is an authority on back pain.
all of these unlicensed chiropractors and osteopaths know all about how to fix me.
lucky me, right?
ummmmm, yeah.
it hurts so much i may even be behaving a bit testier and tetchier and terse than usual.
which, naturally, has me adversarially engaging every bit of advice,
from every single person,
no matter how well-intentioned they may be.
i've got that mad-dog-snarling pain response poppin' off,
and walking my happy crabby only exacerbates it.
doing what is required makes doing what is required even harder.
get it?
everything makes it worse, but everything needs to get done.
i'm packing my bellyhole full of cake,
to give the ibuprofen a buffer, so it doesn't burn a hole in my stomach
while it taxes my temperant liver into the red.
it's all really happening,
it just looks dumber hunched over and stumbling along with a limp;
never quiet, never soft...

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