Sunday, April 23


yesterday was earth day.
that's the day where all the non-vegans pretend they give a sh!t about the planet.
is that a combative statement?
it might be.
but is it a true statement?
yes, it is.
y'all can recycle all you want,
but the impact of what's entailed in the creation of just one bacon cheeseburger
effs up the world so much more than those twelve reused aluminum cans
could ever repair.
i said it.
sorry for giving an actual sh!t about the whole world every day.
now that i've started off by being kind of a d!ck-
let's talk about tarts.
i love 'em.
you love 'em.
we love 'em.
and what better way to enjoy the beauty of this planet we all share,
than by sharing a slice of super-expert tripleberry creamchee' pastry together?
heck yes!
i'm here for you, even when i'm kind of mean at first.
that's real.
consider it a test, neighbors!
yup, a tart test.
and if you're still reading?
you passed.
so, now then, let's get into the tart talk.

why do berries have to be so good?
i just want to eat every last morsel.
.....and i just might.
too much is the right amount,
which is why i used all three big berries,
and lemon,
and vanilla.
all the flavors, man.
that's what we need.
the crust is the same as always, because it's the tastiest one:
in a food processor, combine:
2 1/4 cups flour;
pinch of salt;
11 T vegan butter;
3-4 T vegan creamchee';
4 T sugar;
pulse that up,
with non-dairy milk added in by the tablespoonful,
until the flour sticks together when squeezed.
wrap it and chill it for at least an hour, longer is better,
and roll it out on a generously floured surface when it's time to rock the party.
it's. just. so. easy.
and the fillings?
1 cup sliced frozen strawberries;
1 cup frozen wild blueberries;
1 cup frozen raspberries;
1/4 cup sugar;
2 T lemon zest;
2 T lemon juice;
lemon extract;
thaw out and simmer over medium-low heat, and drain off the juice.
combine with 2-3 T cornstarch, slurry, and add it back to the hot pot.
let it thicken, and cool, before adding to the dough.
(stretched into a tart pan, obvi)
that'll be crazy delicious all on it's own.
if you're serious about getting expert,
you've got to get the creamchee' layer underneath first.
that's what's up.
1 tub of vegan creamchee';
3 T powdered sugar;
2 T tapioca;
2 T lemon juice;
lemon extract;
heat it enough to soften it, whisk it all together,
and spread that down first-
now you've got the hottness at your fingertips.
i love a good braided crust, guys.
i do.
it's good lookin' and it's a good usage of extra pastry to full effect.
and hearts?
c'mon, now-
if you don't like hearts, you probably don't have one.
i decorated it like i'm in love....and i think i might be....
...with treats, of course!
did i finish it off with raw sugar sprankles?
yes i did!!!
naturally, i wasn't going to just chump out in the home stretch, was i?
no way.
rules is rules.
i baked it for 25 minutes at 410F,
and i ate a warm slice after my earthy walk with my earthy terrier.
look at it:

the cream, the tart, the sweet, the crisp-
the buttery big bombardment of taste and texture.
i really hope you make one at home yourselves.
i think you'll be psyched if you do.
or not.
i mean,
i've got mine already, so i guess you can do whatever you want-
i'll be over here munching up on this one regardless.
in the meantime, tho,
i'll be out enjoying earth, and days, and my dumb dog,
and then, it's gonna take a whole lot of tart to improve my afternoon,
because i'm about to be brutalized by a pair of backwoods inebriates.
it's an all-dudes workday,
on a double-dose of drunkish doo-duderism.
it's all really happening,
and sometimes, that sucks;
never quiet, never soft.....

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