Saturday, April 15


every year,
on the 14th of april,
for my co-worker wayne's berfday,
i make a strawberry chee'cake.
rules is rules,
every year i do what i do-
louder, fresher, and harder...
and every year, that cake gets a little sexxxier.
for real.
this time around, i even went off on the two-tones two times.
tell you what,
have a look, and tell me what you think:

wu-TANG, neighbors.
this right here is just about the finest one i've ever made.
taste-wise, it's a triumph.
in terms of texture, it hits all the right spots,
and as far as looks go?
it's one sexy mutha-'ucka.
mr. demille, you know what's up-
shoutouts to close-ups:

c'mon, dudes!
double layer chee',
double color frosting,
big red blops of berries on top,
and a crust so spot on, every last bite will excite and delight your F*ing face.
that's no joke.
i'm not afraid to get it poppin' in the creamchee' department, either.
one and a half tubs of that tofutti smoothness really make their presence felt.
here's the thing-
if you have access to the good stuff,
use it.
we're making treats, guys,
not health food.
so, and i'm just tossin' this out there, maybe y'gotta treat yo'self.
that's what i'm doing, anyway.
you want some of this/
here's how to make some of it:
1 1/2 pkg graham crackers;
1/2 cup whole rolled oats;
3 T sugar;
-crushed into coarse crumbles in a food processor-
and placed in a bowl, where it's mixed with:
3 T melted butters;
1 tsp vanilla;
3-6 T non-dairy milk,
stirred up until it stays together when squeezed.
form all that up in whatever pan you prefer,
and baked for 10 minutes at 350F, and cooled.
*for that cheeseless cakey filling,
first of all. keep the oven on,
and then, in that same food processor, combine:
1 block lite firm drained tofu;
1 1/2 tubs vegan creamcheese;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp lemon extract;
2 T lemon juice;
3 T tapioca;
2 T arrowroot;
2 T cornstarch;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
i reserved half,
and in the remainder,
added 2-3 tsp powdered freeze-dried strawberries.
which were whipped up until all that hot pink power was fully activated.
(i always keep a supply of freeze dried jauns on hand.
they make all the freshest flavors,
without overly juicing-up and ruining all my creams and frostings.
pink on the bottom, white on top, evenly spread,
and baked for 30 minutes,
so that it set up, but stays soft and does not get gummy.
allow that all to cool....
i refrigerated mine overnight,
and hit it with the berry compote hottness magic deluxxxe.
adding more berries is always better.
how do you know when there's enough?
too much is the right amount.
so don't stop until you get there.
two cups of sliced frozen berries;
3 T powdered sugar;
1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp lemon zest;
heated up on medium,
until the juices are deep.
that's key.
remove 'em, add 2 T cornstarch, slurry it, and pour it back into the pot.
now, y'know what you've got?
let it cool.
and spread that sh!t allllll over that luscious double-colored dual-flavor chee' boomfire.
add frosting.
and no,
not just a lovely vanil'lemon one,
that's a good start, but it isn't enough.
no way.
do it right,
and add a whole other 'nother level to it-
do the strawberry powder-activated pink stuff, too.
i LOVE a good vegan chee'cake.
i really do.
my most inconstant of partners suggested i attempt to make them,
before we got together...
that was four years ago,
and while she came and went,
and then came a little closer,
and then went even farther away,
your boy albie rock has still been doing the nice ever since.
you simply can't do LESS.
that's just not how it's done.
with or without you, i do what i do, dudes.
steadfast and enduring, the object is always MORE.
that's been lucky for wayne, i guess.
like i said,
he's been the recipient of one of these 'cakes on his berfday each year.
of course,
this one is probably the last one.
even fans of tradition have their limits it seems.
circumstances and allegiances and ambitions are pretty much going to
prevent the overlap of time and space from intersecting
across both of our respective orbits henceforth.
here's the thing-
i'm STILL going to have a crucial strawberry chee'cake,
every single year,
on the 14th of april.
i do what i do, with or without you.
c'mon, guys-
i literally just told you that.
it's all really happening.
forward movement along tangential paths,
from a fixed point,
radiating outwards,
in increasing distances from one another.....
every parallel i've ever had always looks like it converges in the future.
but, that's not how parallels work....
and that's the meanest part about perspective, literal, and symbolically-
it's just the vanishing point playing tricks on you.
no matter how far you travel, no matter how far ahead you're looking,
the horizon stays the same distance away.....
it isn't eventual connection i see,
it's just an optimistical illusion.;
never quiet, never soft.....

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